SANE? NAHHH

Ok I may seem psychotic and who knows, maybe I am.  No.  Change that.  I am sure I am.  Stress, wanting, uncertainty, confusion.  They are all there to make sure my mind never settles.

So I just went back and reread my last post to figure out where I was then.  Boy have things changed. 

"M" has been kicked to the curb.  I discovered he was not willing to fight to keep me.  It was so easy for him to say, let's just walk away.  It really made me feel wanted...Not.  Bottom line was he only wanted to be my Dom when he felt like it.  When he didn't, he didn't care how I felt or that I missed him.  He said all the right things but when it came down to it, he wasn't willing to handle the responsibility of having a sub.

I don't need nor want that.  I want someone I can rely on.  Someone who has my interests at heart as much as I do his.  Sometimes life gets in the way.  Work gets busy or family needs more time from us.  I understand all that but don't ignore or neglect my feelings.  I try to be reasonable and brave but I cant' help it if I miss you..  Just acknowledge that it is a legitimate feeling and you are aware, even if you can't do anything about it.

Now the friend I had the argument with, we are good now.  We had a talk a couple days later and made up.  I understand that he cares and he doesn't totally understand my side of things.  I just needed him to understand that I am trying my best and I am not always right but I am doing the best with what I have to work with.  He does mean a lot to me.  My feelings for him run very deeply so I am glad we worked through it all.  I cried, we got emotional, we made up but I cried all night.  Out of relief I think.

So where am I now?  Stressed.  Trying to find a place to live when we move.  Having problems with income requirements so looking for private rentals now.  They are hard to find.  I have also not finalized the plans for how I am moving my stuff there.  So many wrenches in the works but I am trying to remain optimistic.  I know in the long run that this will be a better place for us.

I am spending time with Daddy H again.  I know, I know.  He is my Achilles.  My soft spot.  I know that things are not always good between us but I can't turn away from him.  I believe he really does love me.  I've come to realize that he has put up as many walls as I have.  I need to see if I can break through them.  I don't think I can tear them down but if I can make a passage through them where I am the only one to have the key, we could be a formidable team.  He is driven.  His beliefs are strong but he is so used to fighting people that he forgot some people in your life you don't need to fight.  I think he is starting to realize that and we have been talking and things are getting better.  I believe he is making a real effort this time, so we'll see.

YEAH

Well tomorrow is another day full of real estate listings, moving bids and jobs searches.  I can't wait until this is all done so I can just be little again.  Being grownup sucks.

Smoochie and I are going to play Bubble Break and get some sleep.  Ni ni

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

A LITTLE RANT

I have been going through some interesting and trying times.  Trying to get things in place for the move.  Finding a place to live and a job.  Getting quotes and comparing services from movers and auto transport.  Dealing with this overwhelming fatigue.

YET

I've met a man too and we've been spending time together.  He is definitely a Dom but never thought of himself as a Daddy Dom.  He has all the traits and he treats me very well.  He is even tempered, kind and nurturing.  He takes interest in what I am doing and asks how my day went.  He questions me on my plans and what I have done to move them forward and he makes suggestions about them.  He is free with praise  and tells me he is proud of me.  He is possessive and protective and wants to guide me into being better in every way.  He is also controlling and strict but fair and I know where I stand and what I need to do to make him happy, which makes my life easier and less stressful.  I have reined back the little in me just a bit, but when I do let her out he seems amused and I can make him laugh.  Everything I could wish for ... almost.

The problem is, even though he wants monogamy, he sees me as a possession not as someone to love like a partner.  I'm not sure that sits well with me.  My need to be loved is so strong.  It probably overrides every single other need I have.  While it seems that he can give me everything else I want, that need leaves a nagging doubt in my mind.  I am still mulling over what I should do, taking my time and not making any promises or commitments right now. 

I am feeling exceptionally little tonight.  Lonely, hurt  and confused. 

I was talking to a friend who lives near where I'm moving.  I adore this man and we are dear and close friends.  I asked him if he had any other suggestions about finding private rentals down that way besides craigslist.  I didn't know if there were local publications or something.  He started telling me I was an irresponsible parent and that I couldn't just move my kids like that without knowing what I was doing.  It is a risk sure  but staying here is a losing proposition.  At least there we have a fresh start, the economy is better and there are more jobs, especially for my skills.  He cut me very deeply and i cried most of the night. 

Why do the men in my life do this?  Why is it that their way is the only right way?  Here I am trying to make a better life for myself, for my children and I get slammed for trying.  He probably doesn't think he did anything wrong but I hurt so much.  Who is he to judge me and my decisions?  Just because it is not the way he would do things doesn't mean that I am wrong for doing them.  Friends (and family) are supposed to support you no matter what.  You don't hurt people you care about like that.  You dont make them feel worthless and stupid and selfish, not when they are trying so hard to pull themselves up.

I just want someone to hold me right now but there isn't anyone here to do that.  So it is just Smoochie and I tonight.

Smoochie says good bye for now.

 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

BIG NEWS

Yes I'm not doing very well keeping up.  Life has been so hectic.

The big news is that I have most of the money I need to move!  That is a load off stress of my shoulders.  I just need to stay afloat until mid November when I can vacate my current apartment.  It's not going to be an easy task but we will manage.

We moved here to the desert a couple of years ago.  I was with a man who wanted to retire here.  We split up soon after the move because of the lack of attention and his not caring about my sons's education.  We don't know anyone here.  We don't have family.  I don't have a job so no co-workers and because I can't drive at night and my kids go to school out of district, we don't get a chance to meet and connect with the other families.

I have recently become friends with a woman I met online and we have fun but she lives quite a bit away and we only get to see each other in a blue moon.

The move will mean a new life for us.  Jobs are supposedly plentiful where we are going and we already know people down there.  So I will have emergency contacts for the boys if I need them.  they will also make sure we get out now and then.  The music scene is awesome too and I'm hoping I can do a little something with my singing.  My boys are excited beyond belief.

I noticed the blog is getting away from its original purpose and that may be okay, but I still want it to be a place I can post and discover more about myself too.

I am finding the little in me popping up more and more.  In some ways it is nice.  Like when you go to Disneyland with a young child and see it through their eyes.  I see things differently sometimes.  I take more delight in the cute, pretty, beautiful and whimsical things.  I also find myself talking to myself often in my little voice.  Usually to ohhh and ahhh over some trinket or when I'm trying to find a solution to a problem and the later it gets, the more it happens.

(I can't get the pic to post and I'm too tired to figure it out tonight)

My need for attention has grown too.  I get lonely faster and cranky faster if I feel rejected.  Daddy H and I are still talking and feeling each other out but I don't think he understands yet how much I've changed and how to deal with it.  I don't know what it is about him  or about us.  I fight with him way more than anyone else.  With others I have always kept quiet and then when I'd had enough, we'd calmly talk about it and it was done.  Daddy H and I argue and fight and sometimes I get hysterical one him.  Only him.. ever.  Not sure if that means we shouldn't be togther or that he means more to me so the feelings are stronger.  I guess we will just have to wait and see.

It's late and I'd better try and get some sleep.

Smoochie says sweet dreams

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

A MOMENT OF CONTENTMENT

Life always takes such interesting turns.  I've decided to just put in my vacate notice tomorrow.  In 60 days I'll either be headed to Austin or homeless..  Big risk but I know if I stay here I will be homeless anyway.  Well that's not true.  I can pay the rent but not anything else.  No electricity, no food, no gas for my car.but we'll have a roof over our heads!  So we'll see what happens.  I have a lot of stuff to do.  Packing is the biggest  and then finding a mover.

Thought they said everything was bigger in TX!

My ex hubby finally found a job.  It is far away though  (in the middle of the Pacific Ocean) but at least it's a job.  Downside is the boys won't be able to see him and now I have no one to drive us to Austin.  I can't do it, after 30 or 40 minutes I'll be asleep at the wheel.  Just another hurdle to jump.

I have decided to relax and give my past another chance to prove he should be a part of my life again.  I really did miss him.  He taught me a lot about myself and more importantly, he will allow me to be myself.  We will see how well he can nurture the little side of me.  It is important to me to have someone who can and will do that.

It is looking to be a busy week.  New transcription coming in any day (hallelujah!).  I have some books to write and finish and now a song to write that is going to take some research first.  I love new projects though, especially when I am doing them for someone I care about.  I guess I have to dig out the guitar.  Wait.. I'm supposed to be packing , not opening.  Sometimes I guess we have to take a step back to take two forward.

Mostly, I guess I am just happy tonight.  I haven't been totally for awhile and not sure I am there yet but for tonight, I am ... content.  Maybe I'll even get some sleep.  Imagine that.

Smoochie says sweet dreams...


::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C