OH HAPPY DAY!

It can happen and it does.  Most things are pretty much the same as far as looking for a job and all but this post is about the one amazing thing that has changed!

Most of you know that I am in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with my Daddies.  We are not as long distance as a year ago when I was living in Arizona.  Now they are only about 5 hours away but it's still a good distance.

Daddy H and I have been together for over two years with a break of about 2.5 months in the middle.  Boss Daddy and I have only been together since February but we've known each other much longer than that.  Daddy H and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary of being friends and our one year anniversary of being back together last month.

Yesterday, for the very very first time ever, I got to meet Daddy H face to face!  I was so excited!  I wanted to go up the night before but he was getting in late and since I can't drive in the dark, he didn't want me waiting around for him in my car in a dark parking lot so we decided I should just drive up in the morning and we could spend the morning together before he had to attend his class,which is the reason he was in the area.

I left as soon as the sky started to lighten up but got caught in rush hour traffic and a trip that should have taken half an hour by Google map standards, so 20 minutes by my driving, ended up taking and hour and 15 min and I stressed most of the way!

I did get there though and got to look my Daddy in the eye!  I got to kiss him and hold him and feel the stubble on his cheek and smell him! Did I cry?  Do you even have to ask?  I cry at everything.  I cry when I'm sad and when I'm mad and when I'm happy so yes!  We had breakfast together and then got to snuggle and talk and I didn't want to leave.  He is everything I expected and more.

I did get a spanking because I had been bad the night before and started a fight with him.  Was my first ever since I was a child!  I learned something new about myself.  I liked the belt!  With his hand the impact is there and then gone but the belt after impact kind of caresses you as it is pulled back again and to me it was a very sensual feeling. *blushes*

Anyway I got off track.  I got to see my Daddy!  *Does the happy dance*  We had a chance to really bond.  My commitment is deeper now than ever and a lot of the fears I was dealing with are gone. I was so afraid he'd not like me once we met.  I'm neither young, nor beautiful and far from skinny or even pleasantly plump.  I had someone else in my life who did not like the fact that I wasn't skinny, even though I never hid that fact from him, so I was really scared to be rejected again.

Daddy H loves me just like I am!  I think we have a stronger bond now.  I got to look in his eyes and be in his arms when he said "I love you."  He said he was nervous too.  I don't know why, I would have loved him no matter what.

We got 3.5 hours together then it was time for him to go to class so we had to say good bye.  He hugged and kissed me and said, "don't you dare cry." He knows me too well.  I said I wouldn't till I got to my car and I was a good girl and didn't until I started the car then i cried all the way home.  Some happy tears, some very sad tears.  I don't know when I will get to see him again but hopefully it won't be too long.  *Screams and wiggles and does the happy dance again*

I got to see my DADDY!

Smoochie thinks I'm silly but he's secretly happy too!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

On Daddies and Fathers

Daddy H and I celebrated one whole year back in his collar last night.  He is such an amazing man.  When I first met him, his attitude was "I don't change for anyone, if you don't like it then kiss my a**".  Which is true in a lot of ways, people who love you should love you just the way you are.  However to see the changes in him and knowing they are because he wants to change for me, that is a precious thing.  He is truly becoming the daddy that my heart always wanted and needed.  When i need comforting, he is the only one I want.  He has stopped being so defensive and has started to really listen and therefore is able to soothe instead of stir up more emotions.

Boss Daddy is back for a couple weeks.  He's on vacation and will need to head back East and maybe off shore after that.  I heard from him yesterday and am hoping to see him online tonight.

I am in a lot of pain today.  Starting a couple of years ago my left foot occasionally swells up and gets painful.  I've been to an orthopedic surgeon.  They found some osteoarthritis in that ankle and recommended not to do any walking for exercise nor having a job that had me on my feet or walking all the time.  It used to flair up every few months but I've not had an episode in over a year.  Today, I can barely walk.  I need to lean on the kids to just get between my desk and the bathroom which is just five feet away.  Vicodin and Percocet don't usually touch the pain, nevertheless, I have taken half of one.  Too much makes me sick to my stomach though I've taken and may take as many as two at a time if I need it.  I am starting to feel the effects and hope I get through walking the kids through making dinner before I float away.

First a disclaimer for those that are not in the lifestyle.  The majority of baby girls DO NOT have issues with their real fathers.  I always loved mine and was proud of him even though he was very strict.  I never felt like I was good enough at anything I did in his eyes though.  Then seven years ago when I decided to divorce my husband, I went to him for a small loan to pay a divorce attorney.  That's when he told me that I was stupid and should stick it out because my then husband made good money.  He followed that by saying, you have dug a hole now you will never get out of and I know you are never going to make anything of yourself in this world.  I walked out.  He then proceeded to lie to the courts and helped my husband take my kids away to "teach me a lesson" for not doing as he said.  Since I had no attorney, I lost them for two years until my ex came to his senses and sent them back to me.

I tried once to make up with my father but got shot down again.  I vowed that day to never let him hurt me again.  I've not talked to him in more than five years.  He does not contact his grandsons even though they send him emails for things like Fathers Day.  They have their own email accounts and cell phones but never hear from him.  They don't say much but I know they feel sad that he has forgotten about them.

Today I sent him an email.  Partly to finally say what I needed to about finding out that the family that I though would always be there turned out not to be but mostly to tell him that I have always loved him.  He will be 78 this fall so I'm not sure how many more years he'll be here but I felt the need to let him know that no matter what, and even when I hated what he had done, I never stopped loving him.

I will not ever contact him again.  I've said my piece and I need to move on.  I feel sorry for him sometimes.  He has the admiration of the community where he lives but has alienated 3 out of his 4 daughters.  My youngest sister still spends time with him but that is the kind of person she is.  Family means everything, as it should.  I guess I'm not as good as she is.

Life goes on.  Now it's my turn to try and be happy.

Smoochie says to hug your family today.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

Such Absentmindedness

Ok here is a true update...  (PS I wrote this last week and just realized I never posted)

I wish I could get myself to post more often.  I need so many things that my mind is really scattered and a lot of times I am so busy jumping from one thing to another that nothing ever gets finished.  There are many days I open up a new post page and it sits there, sometimes for days before I shut it down.

Trying to make ends meet is taxing.  Making and trying to sell my jewelry, promoting my adult store, picking up odd jobs when I can.  Right now working on listing a batch of Disney pins to sell on ebay.  I'd like to get some writing done and get my novel out as an ebook but I've been kind of dry for more than 18 months.  Even my blog posts are lackluster compared to my old blogs.  Unfortunately nothing is bringing in much income at all, so the struggle continues.

On other matters, Boss Daddy has been nearly non existent.  I've not "seen" him in almost a month now though he texts a few times a week and calls on occasion.  Work just has him so busy and he's out on a job site in the middle of nowhere with little or no cell phone service.

On the other hand, Daddy H has been wonderful lately.  He once said he'd never change for anyone.  Well he's been doing a lot of changing.  He is more considerate, less defensive about everything.  He is truly trying harder to make me happy.

We just celebrated two years together.  There have been a lot of fights in those two years, a lot of tears too.  We separated a few times but were never really apart.  We still talked and worried about each other and eventually came back together.  I've watched him grow and evolve.  Seen him starting to let down his guard.  He had put up such a wall around him expecting to get hurt again, thinking he couldn't really trust anyone deep down.  It's not all gone but it is wearing down.  I get to see over it now and sometimes sit with my legs on his side.  That's okay with me.  My love for him is unconditional and always will be

If it really is love, you don't stop loving someone because they hurt you.  You can not like what they do.  You can choose to distance yourself.  You never really stop loving them.

Daddy H is teaching me to not worry about the little things. That is a good thing because I worry about everything and with my insecurities, can work myself into a frenzy.  We can talk on the phone and everything is perfect then I see something online and 20 min later I'm ranting to him in text.  He is learning to calm my fears and so they are getting easier to manage most of the time.

I did it again.  Started writing this two days ago and just came back to it. Lost my train of thought so I'll just post this as is.

Oh!  As an aside...Robin Williams died yesterday and I don't think I've ever cried for another celebrity like I cried when i found out about him.  He was a huge part of our culture as far back as "Mork and Mindy". I saw an interview with him once and he said something about how in his mind the voices are always talking, much like he does when he rattled on and on.  We think it's funny but to have that in your head all the time....?  Anyway RIP and thank you for all the smiles and happiness you brought to us.

Smoochie says "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

Robin Williams

Go out and do something brilliant today.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» Baby C

15% OFF and an UPDATE

It is nearly the end of the month and I'm stressing about finances again.  I've gotten some work online so better this month but not anywhere close to what I need.  Trying to do the odd job thing for immediate cash so I can turn my attention back to my jewelry.

I am going to run a sale at Nicest Naughties, my adult toy store.  Use code SUMMER for 15% off your purchase.  This code is good thru August 3, 2014.  I'd appreciate you passing this information along to anyone you might know who is in the market for some additions to their play times.

Beautiful butt plug - You could almost display this!

Daddy H and I have been doing really well.  I've have decided to just relax and let things be for a bit instead of always worrying and stressing about him leaving me.  Okay I have abandonment issues so any little thing he does sets me off.  I don't really stress less, I just don't let him know and I don't take it out on him the second I start to feel anxious.  So far so good but I have been sleeping a lot as a result.  The times we spend together are happier and calmer though and so that is good.

Boss Daddy, on the other hand, has been near non-existent. He did text me a picture of dry, dusty land in the middle of nowhere.   Said he's in bum f*ck Egypt.  I've never heard that expression and if it's not a good one to use, please tell me but he has been out there for days and has spotty phone service at best. So he texts when he can and calls when he can but sometimes it's days that I don't hear from him and I've not "seen" him in more than two weeks.  I miss him.  Supposedly things are supposed to settle down soon but I'm not holding my breath, at least not unless I'm going to throw a tantrum and turn blue in the face.

I did see this saying on my Facebook today.  "Never give up on something you really want.  It's difficult to wait, but more difficult to regret."  So I guess I wait.

Smoochie says he hopes you are all keeping cool this summer!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD

I know I've not posted in forever. I have a million excuses of course. the kids are home for the summer. I'm stressed about income since there is none. Concentrating on making said income. Working through things with the Daddies.

Daddy H and I have been going around and around. He is of the school that says..."I tell you I love you so you should know I do." Well yeah and it's nice to hear, I mean I really do love hearing you say it but you have to show me too. I think after weeks of this, he has finally gotten it. We had a long talk a couple nights ago and for once he stopped talking and listened. He really is a changed man though. 18 mos ago he was more self centered. Now he's wanting to work on things, wanting to change so that I am happier. He is a lot warmer now and I like him better as a person than I did before. I always loved him and still do but I can see he's making an effort even if it takes a while to sink in.

Boss Daddy is still busy with work and I still don't hear much from him some days. He has been trying harder to stay in touch though. I told him to at least say good morning and good night when he has service, sometimes he's out in the boonies and doesn't . It's kind of scary when I think about it. He also has started to set tasks and things for me to do. I've not found a job and I have all these ideas about making money, so many that a lot of times my thoughts are scattered and I jump from thing to thing and nothing really gets done. Boss Daddy decided that I should concentrate on making my jewelry and stuff and not only get my Etsy shop open but see if the gift shops in the area would purchase or take some pieces on consignment. So I've been cranking stuff out. Here's some of what I have ready to go.  (Don't pay any attention to my messy desk please.)

Babygirl Candy stick bracelets.

Close up

Some kawaii charms

Hinged top stash vials

Two other bracelet designs

I hope something comes through soon. I will post when my Etsy shop is open and of course you can check my adult shop at Nicest Naughties. I think I will run another sale soon so watch for the discount code! Next post I'll tell you about the rainbow lasagna I made.

Smoochie says he's happy to be back.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU

I'e been dealing with life here.  Financial life has not gotten any better.  I am still looking for work or something so the battle still rages there.

I have been attending discussions groups online.  Searching for?  I am not really sure.  Insight I guess.  Ways to keep connected.  Some places, if you are new, they barely recognize you are there.  Questions or comments are ignored.  Other places welcome you with open arms.  In some groups I am very vocal.  In others I just listen.

Overall I like the sub lead discussions the best.  The subs are warmer and more inviting and less intimidating I guess.  I am always worried about insulting people.  I am of the belief that just because you call yourself a Dom/me does not mean that I have to address you any differently than I address the general population.  I don't need to call you "Sir" or "Miss" unless I feel you have earned that title.  I don't even call my Daddies Sir.  I know that annoys some people and since I do not want to offend those who own or manage the groups, I just keep quiet sometimes.

That said, I have discovered one Dominant whose talks I enjoy.  This one is a woman but to me she is very open, very warm and stresses the fact that her way is not necessarily the right way for everyone.  She's funny and vocal and her girls seem to love and respect her.  They are equally vocal and it is fun to watch the interaction between them.

Attending these events have lead to some soul searching though.  One of them actually left me hurt and in tears.  All my life I have felt like I don't fit in.  Everyone says you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with anyone.  I never felt that.  I am never happy by myself.  When I discovered the D/s lifestyle everything finally clicked into place.  What makes me happy is making someone else happy.  I live to serve.  It finally dawned on me that it was okay to feel this way.  It was okay to want to give responsibility over to someone else.  As part of all that, I worry and I fret a lot.  I get stressed about everything and when things get out of hand for me, I need a hug or to hear Daddy's voice.

The discussion was about resilience as a sub.  The question was "How do you approach your Dominant about something that makes you feel bad and how do you get over it?"  I responded that it was different for every couple and for me being in Daddy's lap led to talking about it and then getting over the hurt/anxiety/stress.  Another gal after me said that one had to find a way to self soothe and having your Dom help was just an indication of not having a healthy relationship and that person should not be in a relationship at all.  Wrong thing to say to this worry wart.

So I was questioning whether I should be with my Daddies at all.  I am emotional.  I have a lot of baggage.  As a sub, they are my shelter in the storm.  If I keep things in am I not being totally honest with them?  Not only that, I trust their insights.  Babygirls especially need their Daddies to do for them what they can't sometimes.  If I am upset and left to myself that upset grows and grows  and soon I'm in a full blown tantrum and thinking that I need to get rid of everything and everyone in my life.

Another question that has popped up from these discussions has been the issue of Babygirl vs slave.  I understand babygirl.  I am babygirl no matter what, it is part of my personality and makeup.  I can be babygirl with someone or by myself.  Slave, however, requires a Master.  Being slave is defined by his guidelines and expectations for and about me.  Since Boss Daddy has been so busy, We've sort of lost that and I am missing it very badly.  I am not sure what defines me as slave right now.  Boss Daddy says things are setting down at work and he will be around more now so hopefully this will resolve itself.  I am tired of feeling lost all the time.        

That said, I started new Facebook page hoping to connect with others who are in LDRs.  Please come join us and share.  Or if you can pass the link on to others who might be interested I'd appreciate it.

https://www.facebook.com/longdistanceds

Also don't forget our other page for the babygirls in all of us.

https://www.facebook.com/Discoveringdaddysgirl                                                                                                                                                                                                                         It is nearly 4 am here and I am falling asleep at my computer.  I'd better go before I get a spanking.

Smoochie says "sleep well"

                                                                                                                                        
::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

"Cant Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow

SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALRIGHT FOR FIGHTING (SO ARE THE OTHER DAYS OF THE WEEK)

I am still around and still looking for that ever elusive job.  Have any of you ever been to one of those gold sellers?  I have, twice. Once before I moved, once this past weekend.  I was lucky to have found two great places.  Know your stuff before you go.  There are online calculators.  I weighed mine on a kitchen scale then put it into the calculator.  Both times I got nearly 80% of worth which is a good deal.  Amazing how just a little bit adds up.  Gives me a little breathing room, just a tiny bit for a couple weeks at least.

I spoke to a very very good friend of mine.  She pulled herself out of the trenches when she was a young mother and made a name for herself in her field.  Read that as very very successful.  She got laid off almost 2 years ago and cannot find work.  She has the credentials and background.  People know her work but she is over 50.  Jobs go to younger applicants.  If someone like that cannot find a job, what kind of hope do I have?  No recent job history (not since 1995 really), no degree and over 50.  I've come to believe that I really need to look outside of the traditional jobs.  I am still looking and applying but concentrating my efforts elsewhere too.

Anyone looking for someone to do clerical work, voice over work?  I can do transcription and I can customize and design basic websites using Wordpress.  Those are some things I am trying.  Also looking for some musicians to maybe do some live gigs, working on my book and going to be doing some recording and getting some mp3's for sale.  I hope something hits soon.

On the relationship front (yeah I know I'm all over today but I realize I haven't posted in quite a while) things are going reasonably well. Daddy H and I are doing a lot better most of the time.  for a man who always said he would not change for anyone, he has been doing quite a bit of changing.  I see it in him and it makes me smile.  We still fight like cats and dogs sometimes but I am starting to think that it will always be part of who we are.  I think it actually turns him on when I fight back.

We were having a very loud discussion...okay we were yelling at each other...on the phone a couple of weeks ago.  We were both talking over each other and kept saying stop interrupting and let me talk.  Finally I got frustrated and yelled out, "Will you just SHUT UP!"  Daddy H got silent for a second then said "Ooooo" and started talking in his sexy voice.  I had to laugh and it diffused the fight and we finished amicably.  It will always be part of our dynamic.  I am typically a very docile sub but Daddy H really does enjoy the bratty side and so I've been letting her out more often and we are both happier.

Boss Daddy is still busy as heck at work.  He texts every day, calls every couple of days and manages to come online once or twice a week.  He is trying and knows we need to do something to feel better connected.  I don't feel "owned" anymore and that is a problem for me.  So we are trying to find ways to keep connected in the day to day, even when he can't be around much.  Do any of you have any suggestions or can you tell me what you do, especially if you are in a LDR?  I told him I would collect some ideas and email them and he could think about what he thinks he could handle,.  I don't want to make things harder for him or have him make promises that he can't fulfill right now, that would just lead to hurt feelings and fighting.  This way we would start slow.  I just need to see some movement and not going backwards.

So feel free to comment or PM me your suggestions.  I have been reading blogs even if I've not had the energy to comment lately.

Smoochie says it's nap time so ... MWAHHHH!


::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

HANGING ON

I'm down with the crud again.  I guess it could be allergies but it feels like the crud.  Kids didn't get sick this time though.  I feel like I am breathing underwater. I will have to hit the doctor in a couple of days if this keeps up.

Life.  So life has been interesting.  The struggle to survive continues.  Bills get paid mostly.  I do have a storage unit that i have had for the last 5 years that I cannot afford to pay for.  It is in California and I can't afford to have the things shipped to me either so my guess is that I will lose everything in it.  Most of the stuff I don't care about.  The kids' old toys, some household decorations, a few pieces of artwork.  I am hoping someone will go and grab the bins of pictures though.  Pictures of my daughter when she was young and of the boys.  Old friends, keepsakes...that sort of thing.  I asked my sister to go or to send one of my nephews but they have been too busy the past few weeks.  I'm hoping soon and before the place locks them out.

The daddies are doing well.  Boss Daddy is nearly well but first was playing catch up at work after having been out with pneumonia, then the storms hit and they have been scrambling to make repairs and stuff. I miss him as I don't get to see him very often.  We text and he calls every few days if he can.

Daddy H and I still have this volatile relationship.  When things are good they are really really good and when they are not good, well, it plain sucks.  He has been putting in more of an effort sometimes.  I've watched him grow and change a bit.  At the same time, he has periods where I become nearly non existent.  He will send me IM's online but I don't get to "see" him or spend one-on-one time with him.  We are in one of those periods now.  I told him last night that we could stay friends but he needed to let me go.  He said no.  That is the very very short story.  We argued for over five hours.  He finally conceded that he neded to make a bigger effort and that things needed to change , at least a little. So we will see.  I love him, deeply, so I am willing to give him another chance as long as we are moving forward and not backward.

Recently I have gotten several PM's at Fetlife.  While the occasional one is polite and respectful there are others there who need a lesson in etiquette.  To them I have posted two new pages.  You can find them here and here.  They are some things that need to be said given some recent occurrences.

That is a lot of writing for one day!  PHew!  I am out for now.

Smoochie sends some loving your way!


::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...

Well some things are going well indeed and other things just suck.  Still not been able to find work and my accounts are empty.  I'm stressing so badly and now sure how I'm covering this coming month's bills.  The state sent me a nice little letter about having no car insurance.  WTH?  I'm behind like a month in payments but don't think the company has terminated me yet.  Matter of fact, they just sent me a ne notice and new cards.  Problem is when they call the company to verify, not sure what they will be told so I need to find a way to cover last month and this month's bills too.

I've been thinking about this whole phone sex thing.  I wouldn't mind doing it and supposedly you can bring in some good money.  I've been told I have a sexy bedroom type of voice.  Of course nothing can be simple for me.  The two top reputable companies both require what they call "a landline" phone.  I know this means one that plugs into the phone jack and not the digital one I have from Vonage.  The hurdle I've run into is that I have not been able to find out who does that type of phone service here in this town.  Everything I look up is digital.  Time Warner, ATT, Verizon, Grande...they all offer digital phone service.  I even called the apartment office here and asked and they don't know either.  I am waiting for an email back from the phone sex companies but who knows how long that will be?

I just celebrated my 23rd birthday (for the 32nd time).  Sucks getting older.  My mom said, "Oh my you are catching up to me!"  Thanks Mom.  I got to see my Daddies for maybe 10 minutes each.  One is out of town for work and the other is still sick but playing catch up at work too for all the time he missed.  My sister sent a text, well one of them did.  the other I think is still in China but she typically wouldn't say anything even if she wasn't.  I got to talk to my daughter on Skype which was nice.  My boys are so sweet, they both made me cards, all on their own.  All together it was a pretty ordinary day.  Except for dinner!  I made this....



It was wonderful, I even cheated a bit and had a little rice.  The rice wasn't as good as I thought it would be so I didn't eat it all or have seconds.  They boys enjoyed theirs though.  My youngest has dropped 18 lbs and the oldest about 15 lbs.  So now I'm teaching them moderation.

I am tired but want to post something so I'm cutting this short due to lack of thinking.

Smoochie says for me to go to bed!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

I DON'T WANNA GROW UP!

Things have just been going to hell in a hand basket...

I wrote the above line five days ago. Since then I've been to hell and back several times.  I am still alive, still here.  Things have gotten so busy and not in a good way (read...I've not found a job yet)

Boss Daddy has walking pneumonia.  He finally got himself to the doctor but is taking a long time to get better.  He is up and about though and now trying to play catch up at work.

Daddy H is, well Daddy H.  I alternate almost hourly between loving him to death and wanting to be the cause of his death.  It is such a long convoluted story, I don't think I could write it out if I wanted to.  To top things off, Boss Daddy and Daddy H weren't talking to each other.  Yup they had a BIG blowup.  So I had to put on my big girl panties ( those are worse than granny panties) and stop in and fix everything.

I've been playing Alpha for almost two weeks now and I hate it.  Brings back all the bad things about my marriage.  When I turn my alpha female on everyone better watch out.  I don't take any stuffs from anyone, ask my kids.

Last night I had a big melt down.  Couldn't do it anymore.  So the two of them finally made up today.  Thank heaven.  Not even my kids expect me to be grown up all the time.

So hoping I can get back t just stressing about finances and stuff like that.  I am trying to be back to posting more regularly and also finding time to visit some of my fav blogs.  Hope to see you around soon.

Smoochie says he's glad to be back too!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

GOOD ENOUGH (Am I?)

It has been a rough week, many lessons learned.  It is so hard when so many people in your life have let you down.  So hard not to take it out on the ones around you.  Having anxiety issues makes it even harder, things spiral out of control before you know it and then you can't put the brakes on it.

Have you ever been so scared of losing someone that you deliberately push them away?  If Boss Daddy were to leave me I'd die, yet the thought of that scares me too.  So I start to panic.  My rationale becomes, if I am bad enough then he will leave me and it will be for a good reason.  That is better than being good all the time and then he leaves me anyway and why?  Because I am not good enough?  Because I am unlovable?  So I push and scratch and scream and yell, scared he will leave me and yet part of me wanting him too.  Am I just insane?

Right now the little in me is lost.  She is a part of me.  If she is to exist at all then she is always there.  She is needy.  Daddy is sick and needs me not to be.  So after days of fighting, I realize that she has to go away.  The only way I can control her is to not let her out at all.  To push her down and smother her, like I did for more than 25 years.  The thing is...she is my joy.  To lose her is to lose the part that is happy.  So right now I am depressed and feeling quite dead inside.

Life is so stressful right now.  It is the end of the month and I'm worried about paying all the bills. Yesterday's anxiety attack started because I spent $9, an amount I can't afford, on a new pair of shoes for my son.  His were falling apart, the stitching on the toes and heels all but gone.  He kept telling me, "It's ok Mama, I like these, they keep my toes cool!"  We were at Walmart yesterday, filling our water jugs and they had a bunch of discounted shoes.  These were Avia's and red, his favorite color and only $9.  They fit so I bought them but it started an anxiety attack because now i have to figure out how to juggle the bills to cover it.

I am tired of fighting.  Fighting to live and make ends meet without a real job.  Fighting for love. Fighting to keep my kids.   Fighting for my health.  Just one night I'd love to go to bed and know everything was okay.

I did hear one message though when I was watching my recent Kdrama on Hulu this morning.

From "Queen's Class"

Makes sense.  Now just to find a way to do it.

BTW  I did put up my first recipe on my other blog.  Flax Meal Microwave Muffins.  They are low carb and gluten free.  Take a look and thank you for sticking with me during this rant.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» Baby C

Cake and Sodomy

I done did it!  After days of procrastinating, another couple of days of just being fuzzy and trying to make things harder than they are, I finally have a second blog up!  This one will remain as is .  This is my "journey" blog.  It's adult so I don't have to watch what I say and it is definitely not vanilla.

(BTW I've been using song titles as my post titles the last few posts.  This one well it kind of sums up my two blogs.  It's by Marilyn Manson.  I've never heard it.)

This new blog will be a place for the general public.  A place to share recipes and other things I've found.  I wanted them separate so that people would not be squeamish about following me there.  I will post here when I put up a new post there but will not do it the other way around.  This blog is more my heart and soul and the other one will be more what I do when I am dragging my feet about getting any real work done.

So go visit me at  YUMMY STUFFIES FOR THE TUMMY and More!

It is spring!  Go visit www.abento.net

It is warming up here and we are glad to see that spring is here finally!  Things on the home front here have been mostly good.  The Daddies are both really really busy at work.  Boss Daddy might be in line for a promotion!  Yay him!  Plus this being an election year nor something, they both have their hands full with their groups locally.   They are  both political activists.  To add more chaos to that, this weekend they have another dog show to go to so they are out of town.  Boss Daddy has been pretty good about keeping in touch even though they've been on the road and I even heard from Daddy H too.  As a matter of fact, they both called me at the same time when they were driving.

Boss Daddy has been a great addition to our family.  He really is our family now.  Not only does he try to go out of his way to make sure that I am happy but he is teaching Daddy H how to be a better Daddy and a better Master.  He is so patient with me, especially when I am down and on edge.  The big me understands when times get busy, things have to be put on hold.  The little me only understands that she is lonely or hurt or anxious.  Unfortunately for all of us, the worse things are, the younger I become and therefore less tolerant of them not being around.  Daddy H's answer is typically to get defensive and yell and we fight and eventually he hurts my feelings.  Boss Daddy just says  "Shhhh calm down.  I love you." and 9 times out of 10, I stop.  Can you tell how much I love him?

Anyway, it is late but I need to go do my Saturday night rounds.  Talk to some friends and do some PR work.

You all have a great night!

Smoochie wants to know what makes it feel like spring to you?

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» Baby C

The Time Warp

I've been busy and pouting and sleep deprived.  This time changing stuff always messes me up.  It didn't feel as late as it was so I ended up going to bed after 6 am on Sunday morning.  Needless to say I was out of it on Sunday and then got my 2nd wind and stayed up until almost 5 am.  The only good thing about the change is that it is light later in the day so I can be out running errands and get home before dark since I can't drive in the dark any more.

This past weekend was a lonely one for me.  The Daddies were at a dog show and forgot to tell me that they were going.  They are usually good at it but didn't realize until later that they hadn't said anything.  So I was unprepared for being totally alone this weekend.  Luckily I had busy work to do.  I got one of the new websites completely up and built.  Yay me and it looks good, if I do say so myself.

It has taken me 3 days to write this so far.  I am so far into babygirl mode that it is making it hard to concentrate.

 *Wanders off*

My Favorite is #9!

Ok now three hours later, I'm determined to finish this post.  So back to my Daddies...They were gone for the weekend and even though they are back, they have a huge activism event they are handling so although I get to talk to them some, We have spent much time together this week.  Daddy H and I are fighting again.  I think he likes it when I fight with him, he said once it makes him horny.  That combined with the fact that I haven't been able to have a decent snuggle with Boss Daddy, has me in perpetual little mode..  I did get some clay work done in preparation for putting together some jewelry whenever the rest of the supplies get here but have not been able to do any real work.

Add the kids to all that too since it is spring break here this week and ...sighs.  I really need to find a way to buckle down and make some money this month.

Oh oh oh!  I did get one bit of decent news!  Boss Daddy is trying to get off for a weekend next month and maybe come visit me!  Yay!!  I hope he can make it work!

Ok excitement is over and I think I am ready for bed.

Smoochie is keeping the blankets warm...Not.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C