TOO MUCH

Still been under the weather the last few days although feeling better.  The weather has been nicer so I'm not freezing at night right now.  It is cold in my bedroom, just the way I love it, but not achingly cold.

Nothing on the job front yet but I did answer a call for adult writers.  Evidently there is a new adult magazine starting up in February and they need adult content.  I sent them a story and they loved it and will put it in the first issue,  which goes to print next week.  No pay for it yet but I will get trackbacks to my writing site and the possibility of pay down the road.  Also I will have something new to put on my resume and it will hopefully bring in some new leads.

I don't know what it is about me and daddy.  I am usually very sub with "the One" and I am with Daddy mostly but when I get riled up and upset with him I can go ballistic.  Yelling at him on messenger or in text.  All my past men would not believe it was the same woman.  I've never done anything like this before.  I am actually very surprised he came back to me and that he has stayed.  Grant it my rants are well deserved but it is so outside of my character it even scares me sometimes.  

I did have a long talk with Daddy's best friend last night.  He assured me that Daddy needs me and that he loves me.  I realized after talking to him that I need to stop ranting at Daddy.  When he is away and can't contact me and then i fill his messenger with my yelling then he is defensive when he gets back and we get no time to really talk.  So I am trying to be more patient and understanding.  To just tell him that I love him and see what happens when he has time to talk to me.  It worked tonight!  He popped on and although he was busy with some business too, he took time in-between to talk to me a bit.  So I am a happy little girl and will sleep well tonight.

Part of keeping calm is trying to keep myself busy.  One of the things I did was to join Fetlife.  I've been lurking and visiting groups.  Introduced myself to a few today.  It is interesting to see the different kinks out there and also to realize how popular your particular kink is.  It is good to read what other baby girls write and be able to connect with that right away.  I learned some new things too.

Possible TMI Alert!!

The past eight months or so, I've been shaving "down there".  Being a BBW it has not been easy.  I have to do it all by feel and although I've gotten better, I still find spots i miss especially in the more sensitive areas, plus I hate the stubble.  Today I learned about sugaring!  I found out you can make the sugaring paste with household ingredients and even the application and removal look fairly easy.  Icing on the cake is that I won't be in danger of cutting anything off!  I can't wait to try it!  There are some excellent YouTubes on it, both how to make it and how to use it.  I will try it in the next couple of days.  I like to take care of it when the kids aren't home to avoid a walk in and questions. I'll let you know how it went.

Anyway, I've been in a musical mood today so want to share one of my fav songs with you.  I love these ladies!

Smoochie blows you all a kiss goodnight!

::: (\_(\

*: (=’ :’) :*

•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

SANE? NAHHH

Ok I may seem psychotic and who knows, maybe I am.  No.  Change that.  I am sure I am.  Stress, wanting, uncertainty, confusion.  They are all there to make sure my mind never settles.

So I just went back and reread my last post to figure out where I was then.  Boy have things changed. 

"M" has been kicked to the curb.  I discovered he was not willing to fight to keep me.  It was so easy for him to say, let's just walk away.  It really made me feel wanted...Not.  Bottom line was he only wanted to be my Dom when he felt like it.  When he didn't, he didn't care how I felt or that I missed him.  He said all the right things but when it came down to it, he wasn't willing to handle the responsibility of having a sub.

I don't need nor want that.  I want someone I can rely on.  Someone who has my interests at heart as much as I do his.  Sometimes life gets in the way.  Work gets busy or family needs more time from us.  I understand all that but don't ignore or neglect my feelings.  I try to be reasonable and brave but I cant' help it if I miss you..  Just acknowledge that it is a legitimate feeling and you are aware, even if you can't do anything about it.

Now the friend I had the argument with, we are good now.  We had a talk a couple days later and made up.  I understand that he cares and he doesn't totally understand my side of things.  I just needed him to understand that I am trying my best and I am not always right but I am doing the best with what I have to work with.  He does mean a lot to me.  My feelings for him run very deeply so I am glad we worked through it all.  I cried, we got emotional, we made up but I cried all night.  Out of relief I think.

So where am I now?  Stressed.  Trying to find a place to live when we move.  Having problems with income requirements so looking for private rentals now.  They are hard to find.  I have also not finalized the plans for how I am moving my stuff there.  So many wrenches in the works but I am trying to remain optimistic.  I know in the long run that this will be a better place for us.

I am spending time with Daddy H again.  I know, I know.  He is my Achilles.  My soft spot.  I know that things are not always good between us but I can't turn away from him.  I believe he really does love me.  I've come to realize that he has put up as many walls as I have.  I need to see if I can break through them.  I don't think I can tear them down but if I can make a passage through them where I am the only one to have the key, we could be a formidable team.  He is driven.  His beliefs are strong but he is so used to fighting people that he forgot some people in your life you don't need to fight.  I think he is starting to realize that and we have been talking and things are getting better.  I believe he is making a real effort this time, so we'll see.

YEAH

Well tomorrow is another day full of real estate listings, moving bids and jobs searches.  I can't wait until this is all done so I can just be little again.  Being grownup sucks.

Smoochie and I are going to play Bubble Break and get some sleep.  Ni ni

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

A LITTLE RANT

I have been going through some interesting and trying times.  Trying to get things in place for the move.  Finding a place to live and a job.  Getting quotes and comparing services from movers and auto transport.  Dealing with this overwhelming fatigue.

YET

I've met a man too and we've been spending time together.  He is definitely a Dom but never thought of himself as a Daddy Dom.  He has all the traits and he treats me very well.  He is even tempered, kind and nurturing.  He takes interest in what I am doing and asks how my day went.  He questions me on my plans and what I have done to move them forward and he makes suggestions about them.  He is free with praise  and tells me he is proud of me.  He is possessive and protective and wants to guide me into being better in every way.  He is also controlling and strict but fair and I know where I stand and what I need to do to make him happy, which makes my life easier and less stressful.  I have reined back the little in me just a bit, but when I do let her out he seems amused and I can make him laugh.  Everything I could wish for ... almost.

The problem is, even though he wants monogamy, he sees me as a possession not as someone to love like a partner.  I'm not sure that sits well with me.  My need to be loved is so strong.  It probably overrides every single other need I have.  While it seems that he can give me everything else I want, that need leaves a nagging doubt in my mind.  I am still mulling over what I should do, taking my time and not making any promises or commitments right now. 

I am feeling exceptionally little tonight.  Lonely, hurt  and confused. 

I was talking to a friend who lives near where I'm moving.  I adore this man and we are dear and close friends.  I asked him if he had any other suggestions about finding private rentals down that way besides craigslist.  I didn't know if there were local publications or something.  He started telling me I was an irresponsible parent and that I couldn't just move my kids like that without knowing what I was doing.  It is a risk sure  but staying here is a losing proposition.  At least there we have a fresh start, the economy is better and there are more jobs, especially for my skills.  He cut me very deeply and i cried most of the night. 

Why do the men in my life do this?  Why is it that their way is the only right way?  Here I am trying to make a better life for myself, for my children and I get slammed for trying.  He probably doesn't think he did anything wrong but I hurt so much.  Who is he to judge me and my decisions?  Just because it is not the way he would do things doesn't mean that I am wrong for doing them.  Friends (and family) are supposed to support you no matter what.  You don't hurt people you care about like that.  You dont make them feel worthless and stupid and selfish, not when they are trying so hard to pull themselves up.

I just want someone to hold me right now but there isn't anyone here to do that.  So it is just Smoochie and I tonight.

Smoochie says good bye for now.

 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C