15% OFF and an UPDATE

It is nearly the end of the month and I'm stressing about finances again.  I've gotten some work online so better this month but not anywhere close to what I need.  Trying to do the odd job thing for immediate cash so I can turn my attention back to my jewelry.

I am going to run a sale at Nicest Naughties, my adult toy store.  Use code SUMMER for 15% off your purchase.  This code is good thru August 3, 2014.  I'd appreciate you passing this information along to anyone you might know who is in the market for some additions to their play times.

Beautiful butt plug - You could almost display this!

Daddy H and I have been doing really well.  I've have decided to just relax and let things be for a bit instead of always worrying and stressing about him leaving me.  Okay I have abandonment issues so any little thing he does sets me off.  I don't really stress less, I just don't let him know and I don't take it out on him the second I start to feel anxious.  So far so good but I have been sleeping a lot as a result.  The times we spend together are happier and calmer though and so that is good.

Boss Daddy, on the other hand, has been near non-existent. He did text me a picture of dry, dusty land in the middle of nowhere.   Said he's in bum f*ck Egypt.  I've never heard that expression and if it's not a good one to use, please tell me but he has been out there for days and has spotty phone service at best. So he texts when he can and calls when he can but sometimes it's days that I don't hear from him and I've not "seen" him in more than two weeks.  I miss him.  Supposedly things are supposed to settle down soon but I'm not holding my breath, at least not unless I'm going to throw a tantrum and turn blue in the face.

I did see this saying on my Facebook today.  "Never give up on something you really want.  It's difficult to wait, but more difficult to regret."  So I guess I wait.

Smoochie says he hopes you are all keeping cool this summer!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU

I'e been dealing with life here.  Financial life has not gotten any better.  I am still looking for work or something so the battle still rages there.

I have been attending discussions groups online.  Searching for?  I am not really sure.  Insight I guess.  Ways to keep connected.  Some places, if you are new, they barely recognize you are there.  Questions or comments are ignored.  Other places welcome you with open arms.  In some groups I am very vocal.  In others I just listen.

Overall I like the sub lead discussions the best.  The subs are warmer and more inviting and less intimidating I guess.  I am always worried about insulting people.  I am of the belief that just because you call yourself a Dom/me does not mean that I have to address you any differently than I address the general population.  I don't need to call you "Sir" or "Miss" unless I feel you have earned that title.  I don't even call my Daddies Sir.  I know that annoys some people and since I do not want to offend those who own or manage the groups, I just keep quiet sometimes.

That said, I have discovered one Dominant whose talks I enjoy.  This one is a woman but to me she is very open, very warm and stresses the fact that her way is not necessarily the right way for everyone.  She's funny and vocal and her girls seem to love and respect her.  They are equally vocal and it is fun to watch the interaction between them.

Attending these events have lead to some soul searching though.  One of them actually left me hurt and in tears.  All my life I have felt like I don't fit in.  Everyone says you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with anyone.  I never felt that.  I am never happy by myself.  When I discovered the D/s lifestyle everything finally clicked into place.  What makes me happy is making someone else happy.  I live to serve.  It finally dawned on me that it was okay to feel this way.  It was okay to want to give responsibility over to someone else.  As part of all that, I worry and I fret a lot.  I get stressed about everything and when things get out of hand for me, I need a hug or to hear Daddy's voice.

The discussion was about resilience as a sub.  The question was "How do you approach your Dominant about something that makes you feel bad and how do you get over it?"  I responded that it was different for every couple and for me being in Daddy's lap led to talking about it and then getting over the hurt/anxiety/stress.  Another gal after me said that one had to find a way to self soothe and having your Dom help was just an indication of not having a healthy relationship and that person should not be in a relationship at all.  Wrong thing to say to this worry wart.

So I was questioning whether I should be with my Daddies at all.  I am emotional.  I have a lot of baggage.  As a sub, they are my shelter in the storm.  If I keep things in am I not being totally honest with them?  Not only that, I trust their insights.  Babygirls especially need their Daddies to do for them what they can't sometimes.  If I am upset and left to myself that upset grows and grows  and soon I'm in a full blown tantrum and thinking that I need to get rid of everything and everyone in my life.

Another question that has popped up from these discussions has been the issue of Babygirl vs slave.  I understand babygirl.  I am babygirl no matter what, it is part of my personality and makeup.  I can be babygirl with someone or by myself.  Slave, however, requires a Master.  Being slave is defined by his guidelines and expectations for and about me.  Since Boss Daddy has been so busy, We've sort of lost that and I am missing it very badly.  I am not sure what defines me as slave right now.  Boss Daddy says things are setting down at work and he will be around more now so hopefully this will resolve itself.  I am tired of feeling lost all the time.        

That said, I started new Facebook page hoping to connect with others who are in LDRs.  Please come join us and share.  Or if you can pass the link on to others who might be interested I'd appreciate it.

https://www.facebook.com/longdistanceds

Also don't forget our other page for the babygirls in all of us.

https://www.facebook.com/Discoveringdaddysgirl                                                                                                                                                                                                                         It is nearly 4 am here and I am falling asleep at my computer.  I'd better go before I get a spanking.

Smoochie says "sleep well"

                                                                                                                                        
::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

"Cant Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow

I Just Want To Cry

I have a question for those "s-types" out there.  Babygirl, sub, slave...you know who you are.  Do you have a hard time saying no?  I don't mean to your Daddy or Dominant.  I don't even mean to strangers but to those you know, love and respect?

I seem to get myself into situations where I don't want to say no so agree to things I don't want to do or can't really afford.  Then I kick myself later and get a little resentful.  It stresses me out and makes me just want to put my head in the sand, so to speak.

I hate conflict.  It doesn't mean that I will not stick up for myself when it comes to strangers.  Even my Daddies know that when I am at the end of my rope I will get into a fight with them.  Lately I have been approached by a lot of men online.  These men call themselves daddies and try and call me little girl or baby girl.  My profiles clearly state that I am taken and happily.  To me it shows a lack of respect and quite a bit of arrogance on their part.

Today I told one, if you had any kind of respect at all you would have read my profile and known that I am already taken not available.  His answer?  "That takes too much time."  What? So I told him that he just proved how little respect he has for anyone but himself.

I know I shouldn't but this stresses me out too.  All these stresses add up to big ones and pretty soon I'm having a meltdown and don't even know why.

I need to remember this...chocolate cake please!

I used to be stronger.  When I was married my then-hubby was not a dominant in any sense of the word.  He could not make a decision to save his life.  If he started something it had to be perfect or he wouldn't do it.  He would fold a load of clothes, get 75% of the way done and decide he didn't want to fold any more.  So okay, leave the rest.  No.  The man would UNFOLD everything he'd already done so that he could claim he'd never started. Things would go undone for months, like the leak in the roof because he couldn't decide what needed to be done.  I learned to just step and be the boss.  I didn't want to be.  I hated every minute of it but if I didn't nothing got done.

Now I am the boss.  It is just me and the boys.  I hate it.  Sometimes you just want a good cry and to let someone else take over.  My little comes out more and more and having to do the big girl things stress me more and more.  This is starting to cause a little stress in my relationships with my Daddies.  Luckily for me, they have been understanding and extremely tolerant.  Daddy H especially has been very very loving and sweet.

Okay, I stayed up way too late again.

Smoochie blows you all a ni ni kiss.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

"I Just Want To Cry" by Nicole Hart

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...

Well some things are going well indeed and other things just suck.  Still not been able to find work and my accounts are empty.  I'm stressing so badly and now sure how I'm covering this coming month's bills.  The state sent me a nice little letter about having no car insurance.  WTH?  I'm behind like a month in payments but don't think the company has terminated me yet.  Matter of fact, they just sent me a ne notice and new cards.  Problem is when they call the company to verify, not sure what they will be told so I need to find a way to cover last month and this month's bills too.

I've been thinking about this whole phone sex thing.  I wouldn't mind doing it and supposedly you can bring in some good money.  I've been told I have a sexy bedroom type of voice.  Of course nothing can be simple for me.  The two top reputable companies both require what they call "a landline" phone.  I know this means one that plugs into the phone jack and not the digital one I have from Vonage.  The hurdle I've run into is that I have not been able to find out who does that type of phone service here in this town.  Everything I look up is digital.  Time Warner, ATT, Verizon, Grande...they all offer digital phone service.  I even called the apartment office here and asked and they don't know either.  I am waiting for an email back from the phone sex companies but who knows how long that will be?

I just celebrated my 23rd birthday (for the 32nd time).  Sucks getting older.  My mom said, "Oh my you are catching up to me!"  Thanks Mom.  I got to see my Daddies for maybe 10 minutes each.  One is out of town for work and the other is still sick but playing catch up at work too for all the time he missed.  My sister sent a text, well one of them did.  the other I think is still in China but she typically wouldn't say anything even if she wasn't.  I got to talk to my daughter on Skype which was nice.  My boys are so sweet, they both made me cards, all on their own.  All together it was a pretty ordinary day.  Except for dinner!  I made this....



It was wonderful, I even cheated a bit and had a little rice.  The rice wasn't as good as I thought it would be so I didn't eat it all or have seconds.  They boys enjoyed theirs though.  My youngest has dropped 18 lbs and the oldest about 15 lbs.  So now I'm teaching them moderation.

I am tired but want to post something so I'm cutting this short due to lack of thinking.

Smoochie says for me to go to bed!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

GOOD ENOUGH (Am I?)

It has been a rough week, many lessons learned.  It is so hard when so many people in your life have let you down.  So hard not to take it out on the ones around you.  Having anxiety issues makes it even harder, things spiral out of control before you know it and then you can't put the brakes on it.

Have you ever been so scared of losing someone that you deliberately push them away?  If Boss Daddy were to leave me I'd die, yet the thought of that scares me too.  So I start to panic.  My rationale becomes, if I am bad enough then he will leave me and it will be for a good reason.  That is better than being good all the time and then he leaves me anyway and why?  Because I am not good enough?  Because I am unlovable?  So I push and scratch and scream and yell, scared he will leave me and yet part of me wanting him too.  Am I just insane?

Right now the little in me is lost.  She is a part of me.  If she is to exist at all then she is always there.  She is needy.  Daddy is sick and needs me not to be.  So after days of fighting, I realize that she has to go away.  The only way I can control her is to not let her out at all.  To push her down and smother her, like I did for more than 25 years.  The thing is...she is my joy.  To lose her is to lose the part that is happy.  So right now I am depressed and feeling quite dead inside.

Life is so stressful right now.  It is the end of the month and I'm worried about paying all the bills. Yesterday's anxiety attack started because I spent $9, an amount I can't afford, on a new pair of shoes for my son.  His were falling apart, the stitching on the toes and heels all but gone.  He kept telling me, "It's ok Mama, I like these, they keep my toes cool!"  We were at Walmart yesterday, filling our water jugs and they had a bunch of discounted shoes.  These were Avia's and red, his favorite color and only $9.  They fit so I bought them but it started an anxiety attack because now i have to figure out how to juggle the bills to cover it.

I am tired of fighting.  Fighting to live and make ends meet without a real job.  Fighting for love. Fighting to keep my kids.   Fighting for my health.  Just one night I'd love to go to bed and know everything was okay.

I did hear one message though when I was watching my recent Kdrama on Hulu this morning.

From "Queen's Class"

Makes sense.  Now just to find a way to do it.

BTW  I did put up my first recipe on my other blog.  Flax Meal Microwave Muffins.  They are low carb and gluten free.  Take a look and thank you for sticking with me during this rant.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» Baby C

HIGH ANXIETY

I am having an anxiety attack tonight and my Daddies aren't around.  I am trying to keep busy but it's not always easy.  I am completely off my zoloft now and mostly doing well.  Not sure what tonight's trigger was.  I just feel jittery and emotional.  I am trying to work on building the website for my sister's restaurant but it is frustrating me.  Not because it is especially hard but because I am having a hard time concentrating so finding the answers to some fixes I need is not going well.  On top of that, I've not been sleeping well.  Usually up until 4 or 5 am then I wake up at 6 to wake the kids for school.  Then about an hour later I can get a nap in when they leave.  I have been getting out of bed between 9:30 and 10 am though, so not getting a lot of actual sleep in there.  I nod off at my desk all day.. It's a good thing that I work from home right now.

This is me.....not on drugs.

I think I am going to start another blog too.  I'm not abandoning this one but I did rather enjoy my last food blog.  You can see the remnants of it here.  I don't want to do anything regular but would like any food related stuff I post here to be cross posted to that one.  That way people not in the lifestyle who might get a little squeamish can follow that one and not get all the adult stuff.

I don't know what to do with myself tonight.  I just want to lie down and cry so I'm making this a short post to go do that.

Smoochie is waiting for me

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C