OH HAPPY DAY!

It can happen and it does.  Most things are pretty much the same as far as looking for a job and all but this post is about the one amazing thing that has changed!

Most of you know that I am in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) with my Daddies.  We are not as long distance as a year ago when I was living in Arizona.  Now they are only about 5 hours away but it's still a good distance.

Daddy H and I have been together for over two years with a break of about 2.5 months in the middle.  Boss Daddy and I have only been together since February but we've known each other much longer than that.  Daddy H and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary of being friends and our one year anniversary of being back together last month.

Yesterday, for the very very first time ever, I got to meet Daddy H face to face!  I was so excited!  I wanted to go up the night before but he was getting in late and since I can't drive in the dark, he didn't want me waiting around for him in my car in a dark parking lot so we decided I should just drive up in the morning and we could spend the morning together before he had to attend his class,which is the reason he was in the area.

I left as soon as the sky started to lighten up but got caught in rush hour traffic and a trip that should have taken half an hour by Google map standards, so 20 minutes by my driving, ended up taking and hour and 15 min and I stressed most of the way!

I did get there though and got to look my Daddy in the eye!  I got to kiss him and hold him and feel the stubble on his cheek and smell him! Did I cry?  Do you even have to ask?  I cry at everything.  I cry when I'm sad and when I'm mad and when I'm happy so yes!  We had breakfast together and then got to snuggle and talk and I didn't want to leave.  He is everything I expected and more.

I did get a spanking because I had been bad the night before and started a fight with him.  Was my first ever since I was a child!  I learned something new about myself.  I liked the belt!  With his hand the impact is there and then gone but the belt after impact kind of caresses you as it is pulled back again and to me it was a very sensual feeling. *blushes*

Anyway I got off track.  I got to see my Daddy!  *Does the happy dance*  We had a chance to really bond.  My commitment is deeper now than ever and a lot of the fears I was dealing with are gone. I was so afraid he'd not like me once we met.  I'm neither young, nor beautiful and far from skinny or even pleasantly plump.  I had someone else in my life who did not like the fact that I wasn't skinny, even though I never hid that fact from him, so I was really scared to be rejected again.

Daddy H loves me just like I am!  I think we have a stronger bond now.  I got to look in his eyes and be in his arms when he said "I love you."  He said he was nervous too.  I don't know why, I would have loved him no matter what.

We got 3.5 hours together then it was time for him to go to class so we had to say good bye.  He hugged and kissed me and said, "don't you dare cry." He knows me too well.  I said I wouldn't till I got to my car and I was a good girl and didn't until I started the car then i cried all the way home.  Some happy tears, some very sad tears.  I don't know when I will get to see him again but hopefully it won't be too long.  *Screams and wiggles and does the happy dance again*

I got to see my DADDY!

Smoochie thinks I'm silly but he's secretly happy too!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

GOOD ENOUGH (Am I?)

It has been a rough week, many lessons learned.  It is so hard when so many people in your life have let you down.  So hard not to take it out on the ones around you.  Having anxiety issues makes it even harder, things spiral out of control before you know it and then you can't put the brakes on it.

Have you ever been so scared of losing someone that you deliberately push them away?  If Boss Daddy were to leave me I'd die, yet the thought of that scares me too.  So I start to panic.  My rationale becomes, if I am bad enough then he will leave me and it will be for a good reason.  That is better than being good all the time and then he leaves me anyway and why?  Because I am not good enough?  Because I am unlovable?  So I push and scratch and scream and yell, scared he will leave me and yet part of me wanting him too.  Am I just insane?

Right now the little in me is lost.  She is a part of me.  If she is to exist at all then she is always there.  She is needy.  Daddy is sick and needs me not to be.  So after days of fighting, I realize that she has to go away.  The only way I can control her is to not let her out at all.  To push her down and smother her, like I did for more than 25 years.  The thing is...she is my joy.  To lose her is to lose the part that is happy.  So right now I am depressed and feeling quite dead inside.

Life is so stressful right now.  It is the end of the month and I'm worried about paying all the bills. Yesterday's anxiety attack started because I spent $9, an amount I can't afford, on a new pair of shoes for my son.  His were falling apart, the stitching on the toes and heels all but gone.  He kept telling me, "It's ok Mama, I like these, they keep my toes cool!"  We were at Walmart yesterday, filling our water jugs and they had a bunch of discounted shoes.  These were Avia's and red, his favorite color and only $9.  They fit so I bought them but it started an anxiety attack because now i have to figure out how to juggle the bills to cover it.

I am tired of fighting.  Fighting to live and make ends meet without a real job.  Fighting for love. Fighting to keep my kids.   Fighting for my health.  Just one night I'd love to go to bed and know everything was okay.

I did hear one message though when I was watching my recent Kdrama on Hulu this morning.

From "Queen's Class"

Makes sense.  Now just to find a way to do it.

BTW  I did put up my first recipe on my other blog.  Flax Meal Microwave Muffins.  They are low carb and gluten free.  Take a look and thank you for sticking with me during this rant.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» Baby C

I AM IN HERE...SOMEWHERE

I am down to half a dose of my Zoloft.  Been in a sort of haze the last few days.  Headache-y and unable to concentrate on anything for very long.  I just had a horrible thought.  What if it's not withdrawal but turns out to be a permanent thing because I'm not on the meds any more?  I haven't been able to do any appreciable work the last few days, even writing this blog is hard.

LOL. I started writing this 12 hours ago and then wandered away from it.

I had a melt down tonight.  It was a rough day, I was feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  Daddy H came online but when i tried to talk to him, he answered but you could tell he was distracted.  I decided to step outside my comfort zone and attend a discussion group in Second Life.  Well it wouldn't let me kn because I had too many scripts (for those that don't know, scripts are the coding that makes things do things and the more you have it causes lag)  I couldn't get them down low enough so I just left.  Tried Daddy H again but felt i got the brush off again.  So what do I do?  I yelled at him, stomped my feet and in no uncertain terms told him I was unhappy.  I was feeling about 3 years old.  Daddy R was working late and hadn't gotten home yet.   I was not a happy camper and was letting them know I wasn't.

Daddy R has actually taken over and he is boss now.  I can talk to Daddy H and snuggle but no playing (as in sex) with him.  Daddy R is mad because Daddy H keeps upsetting me and so he banned him from playing for now until he earns his way back.  He was not a happy camper but understood why and said he'd do the same if the tables were turned.  I told the two of them to work it out and let me know but don't put me in the middle.

Daddy R eventually came home and heard I was upset  so he came online.  We talked and he reminded me that he loved, wanted, needed and craved me (his words).  We discussed my issues and he assured me he wasn't any of the former men in my life and he wouldn't act like them  He reaffirmed that i was his and that he would be there for me and together we'd work through the fears and walls I have.  He also gave me homework.  I need to read and write a report about alternate natural methods to fight anxiety, then he kissed away the tears and said good night because he had to be up in 4 hours.

So here I am calmer and feeling a bit warm and fuzzy.  It is funny, daytime I can barely function but at night I have insomnia.  I sure hope this all goes away when I'm off the Zoloft for good.  I should be completely off in another 2 weeks or so.  I love my Daddies, both of them, but especially Daddy R.  I have never felt so loved and protected in my life.

I am going to watch a bit of my KDrama (Queen Class) and hopefully get tired enough to go to bed.  Can't wait to see Daddy again tomorrow!

Smoochie says he will introduce you to his new friend next time!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

REFLECTION

First some cool news...I am officially published both on the web and in print!  I answered a call for adult writers about a month ago.  Sexy San Antonio is an online adult magazine that was about to put out its first print issue.  I talked to the owner and wrote him a little story that he liked and put in this issue.  The story is a little milder than my normal writing because I wasn't sure where they would draw the line.  He told me I could dirty it up if I wanted but I let it stand as is and will get naughtier for my next piece for them.  The print magazine is available for free in some of the San Antonio head shops.  Check out "Pool Service" and let me know what you think.

So I do this naughty storytelling once a week and I usually pull my stories off the internet.  I was reading one and there was a paragraph in it that kind of struck a chord.  I am a large woman.  I worry about what potential partners think.  It didn't help that in my last relationship my partner hated that I wasn't skinny.  He never knew me when I was skinny, I am not sure why he wanted me anyway but that's another story. Anyway, we almost all have times when we do not believe we are attractive.  I'm not talking when you are cruddy sick and not moved from bed for 2 days.  I'm talking even when we've had a chance to dress and put on makeup.  We all think we are too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, our lips are too big, eyes too small, hips too wide, ass too flat...the list goes on and on.  Even when someone tells us we are beautiful we don't really believe them.

When did we learn not to do this?

This story said that in a vanilla world we are taught to be "humble".  This is a desired trait.  Even more so in the Asian or at least Japanese culture where mothers will refer to their children as ugly or stupid so as not to appear boastful.  So when someone compliments us we naturally try and negate that comment, even in our own minds.  For me, add that my father never thought I was good enough for anything and I have very real self esteem issues.

So along comes Daddy/Master, not to be confused with my father, and he says I am pretty.  He says stop putting myself down.  I stop verbally.  Does my mind believe it?  I worry that I am not enough.  I worry that he will find someone prettier...smarter...funnier...more obedient.  It is hard to relax.  Since we have times he has to be away with little contact, my mind wanders and ends up in places not so good.

Is it just me?  How do I overcome all that?  I told myself that I was no longer going to be what others wanted me to be (meaning general society and my family) but what I and my Daddy want me to be.  I guess it is easier said than done.  I wish I could see myself through Daddy's eyes.

This will take more pondering and maybe some hot cocoa and cookies.

Smoochie hopes you all have a great day!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

NOW I LAY ME DOWN...

I am just...tired.  Worn out trying to find a job.  Stressed over making ends meet.  Frustrated with Daddy.

I have been applying for any position I find that I might be remotely capable of doing.  I'd love a decent part time job so that I'd have a couple of days to do what I do now.  I'd like to make some time to finish my novel and write my trilogy, learn more about CSS and other coding for websites, look into doing audio books.  Right now though I am applying and looking into full time jobs also.  All I get are offers for MLM companies and I was even almost scammed last week.  Thank heavens for woman's intuition.

So right no anything that will get the bills paid.  Every time I think I am caught up, something comes along.  Unexpected deposits for utilities, car registration, clothes for the boys, car repairs, school expenses and now I need to find money to go pick up the boys' new glasses... one thing after another and I get further and further behind.  The stress is wearing me out.

Daddy has been nearly nonexistent lately.  Between work and him being sick and the holidays with family, I don't get to see or even talk to him much.  I know he tries, some times.  I did get a phone call on Monday morning and another this morning.  I still feel like leftovers sometimes.  Only important when it's convenient.  I can't make him see that.  He just feels so overworked and that his life is not his any more.  I try to be patient but the longer i feel neglected the littler I become and the more emotional and irrational I get.

I start to feel unloved and unwanted.  My past doesn't help, all the men in my life have made me feel inadequate.  My father even told me there was something wrong with me for wanting to be a stay at home mom for my kids and I needed to get my head checked.  Then he said I was stupid for wanting to divorce my husband because he made good money.  Then the line that made me walk out of his life.  "If you get divorced you will never make anything of yourself your whole life."  What kind of parent tells their child that?

I think I've been connecting more with the BDSM/ DDlg community and reading their blogs, Facebook, Tweets and I miss that dynamic in my life.  It has not been there lately with him being so busy.  I am trying to find ways to work it in even just a little but have as yet been unsuccessful.

So what do I do?  I pout.  Then I fly into a verbal tantrum on his yahoo or in his email.  Of course a few hours later, I hate myself for it.but not until I've had a good cry and a snuggle with Smoochie.

Like I said, I'm tired.  Thank you for letting me rant.  I'm going to bed.

Smoochie is in charge of bringing the tissues tonight.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

HOW FAR IS DOWN?

This weekend has been full of a lot of highs and lows.  I am hoping the lows are so low because I am sick.  I seem to have caught the cold my youngest had last week.  Sneezing, runny nose, scratchy throat.  I thought I was dying Friday night, I felt so sick.

The good news is that it seems I have found a place to live when we move.  I talked to the rental agent and he told me about the apartment.  I've filled out the application and just need to get it and a deposit check in the mail tomorrow.  I am excited about it.  It seems like a nice unit.  It only has two downfalls right now.  1)  It is on the 2nd floor.  2) It has no washer and dryer in the apartment itself.  Otherwise it seems large and spacious.

It is in a good location and very close to a couple of my favorite places to shop.  Now I just need to see about getting my stuff there affordably and I'm good to go.

My shows went well this week.  They were well attended and I booked a couple more for the next couple of weeks too.  It is cyclical.  I get very busy for a while, then things die down for a couple of months and then pick up again.

I am feeling very down tonight.  There has been a lot of rejection in my life the last six months.  Most days I handle it fairly well.  Daddy H has not been around this weekend and I think with me being sick, I've needed the contact with someone.  I've spent the weekend mostly alone.  Makes me feel like I'm never quite good enough for anyone.

I don't think I ask for much.  Someone to hold me and love me.  Someone who makes me feel like they want to spend time with me.  Someone who thinks maybe I'm special.  Who will tuck me in at night and check to make sure I've done what I need to.  Someone who will just say hello or good morning.

It all makes my heart ache.  I guess I will go and snuggle with Smoochie.  He is always there when I need him.

Smoochie waves goodnight.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

DEJA VU

Seems like the drama in my life never ends.  I guess I bring some of it on myself.  I hate being alone and I hate being lonely.

It is funny because I don't like crowds or groups of people most of the time.  I can handle them but mostly I just like the one on one type of socializing.

So I guess I should tell you, I caved in and went back to Daddy H.  He pushed and pushed and promised he loved me and that things were going to be better.  I know.  Bad move.  No sooner do I recommit than he pulls his disappearing act again.    Oh he's around but can't take the time to text or call, says he's too busy with other things.  I've come to realize during these times he's either spending time with someone else or looking for someone else to spend time with.

It reminded me how truly miserable I was with him the first time around.  I'm not doing that again.  I wished him well and walked away.  It hurts because I do have deep feelings for him.  You trust the one you submit to and you believe him when he says he loves you, when he says how amazing you are, how special you are.  Then when this happens you question all that. 

Was I loved?  Am I special?  Amazing?  Worthy of his attention?  He once told me when I questioned him, "I tear you down so I can build you back up better than you were before."  Is that how it's supposed to work?  I question my worth every day.

Part of me is relieved that I do not have to keep trying to please someone who was never happy no matter how much I did or gave up for him.  The other part of me is extremely lonely.  I miss my Daddy so very much.  It's like a big hole.  I find something cute or funny, or I accomplish something and there is no one to turn to and say  "Look what I found/did!"  No one to call me baby girl.  No one to tell me I am doing good.  No one to set limits, send me to bed.  No one to say they love me.  I have to fight the urge to contact him all the time.

I am new to this little thing.  It feels good and feels right.  I am happy when I can be in little mode and happy when I am around someone who accepts that in me.  Sometimes though, the hangups of society creep into my head.  What is wrong with me that I need and crave this kind of attention?  Maybe I just need to grow up and push that part of me away.  I can't.  I am happiest when I am being a little.  It is comforting and soothing and I am having fun again.

Anyway, that is what has been going on in my life and why I haven't posted here the last few days.  I guess I just wait and hope someone comes along to feel the void.  Until then, I guess I can eat all the chocolate I want.  No one to tell me not to.

Smoochie says good night when you get there.

 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C