I AM IN HERE...SOMEWHERE

I am down to half a dose of my Zoloft.  Been in a sort of haze the last few days.  Headache-y and unable to concentrate on anything for very long.  I just had a horrible thought.  What if it's not withdrawal but turns out to be a permanent thing because I'm not on the meds any more?  I haven't been able to do any appreciable work the last few days, even writing this blog is hard.

LOL. I started writing this 12 hours ago and then wandered away from it.

I had a melt down tonight.  It was a rough day, I was feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  Daddy H came online but when i tried to talk to him, he answered but you could tell he was distracted.  I decided to step outside my comfort zone and attend a discussion group in Second Life.  Well it wouldn't let me kn because I had too many scripts (for those that don't know, scripts are the coding that makes things do things and the more you have it causes lag)  I couldn't get them down low enough so I just left.  Tried Daddy H again but felt i got the brush off again.  So what do I do?  I yelled at him, stomped my feet and in no uncertain terms told him I was unhappy.  I was feeling about 3 years old.  Daddy R was working late and hadn't gotten home yet.   I was not a happy camper and was letting them know I wasn't.

Daddy R has actually taken over and he is boss now.  I can talk to Daddy H and snuggle but no playing (as in sex) with him.  Daddy R is mad because Daddy H keeps upsetting me and so he banned him from playing for now until he earns his way back.  He was not a happy camper but understood why and said he'd do the same if the tables were turned.  I told the two of them to work it out and let me know but don't put me in the middle.

Daddy R eventually came home and heard I was upset  so he came online.  We talked and he reminded me that he loved, wanted, needed and craved me (his words).  We discussed my issues and he assured me he wasn't any of the former men in my life and he wouldn't act like them  He reaffirmed that i was his and that he would be there for me and together we'd work through the fears and walls I have.  He also gave me homework.  I need to read and write a report about alternate natural methods to fight anxiety, then he kissed away the tears and said good night because he had to be up in 4 hours.

So here I am calmer and feeling a bit warm and fuzzy.  It is funny, daytime I can barely function but at night I have insomnia.  I sure hope this all goes away when I'm off the Zoloft for good.  I should be completely off in another 2 weeks or so.  I love my Daddies, both of them, but especially Daddy R.  I have never felt so loved and protected in my life.

I am going to watch a bit of my KDrama (Queen Class) and hopefully get tired enough to go to bed.  Can't wait to see Daddy again tomorrow!

Smoochie says he will introduce you to his new friend next time!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

WHAT? WHERE? WHO AM I AGAIN?

Life has been so busy lately.  I mean to write then get sidetracked and when I realize I haven't posted I am too tired and go to bed.  I haven't forgotten this blog and I am sure I will get back to something regular soon.  Until then I will post when I can.

I am feeling especially spacey today.  A year ago, I was going through some very bad anxiety attacks.  You know that feeling you get in the back of your neck and head when you think you might have been caught doing something bad, like when a cop stops you and you wonder if you were speeding or you know you were?  I felt like that 100x over and all day.  It never let up.  I could see how people would want to kill themselves just to make it stop.  I finally went to the doctor and she put me on Zoloft.  The first 4 days kicked my butt.  I couldn't think, couldn't even wake up for the first two days.  I had to call the kids in sick on that Friday because I could not get behind the wheel of a car.  Luckily for me the next three days were a holiday weekend.  After that I thought things were fine.  the doctor told me to stay on it for at least a year and well, it's been a year.

Daddy and Master don't like drugs that mess with the mind and since I was thinking of going off of it anyway, I started to read about tapering off.  I realized I had all kinds of side effects but didn't attribute them to the Zoloft.  Weight gain, I thought it was just one of those cycles where I put on some pounds...ok it was quite a few,  m ore than 20.  My vision has gotten very bad.  I attributed that to old age and diabetes.  Now I read a lot of people have vision problems on this med.  Sometime I find myself at a loss for words or the correct word or I will think of something I need to do and turn to my laptop and poof, can't remember what it was I was doing.  This literally all happens within a split second.  It is time for me to come off the meds.

I only take 50 mg/day so last night I only took 3/4 of a dose and will do so for the next 5-7 days, then reduce it again.  So yeah spacey and tired today but feel like I need to write.

I am also procrastinating.  I got in trouble with Master last night for being impatient.  I can be infinitely patient, unless I am in little mode and guess where I was mentally yesterday?  So I got homework...poop.  I have to write a 500 word essay on why I am impatient.  He will grade me, 75% on content and 25% on grammar and spelling and stuff.  Well little me had to open her mouth.  After all writing is what I do, that and singing.  I said "no problem writing is one of the things I am good at.".  So then he says ok so if you get below 80 then you have to do it all again.  Not a problem right?  THEN he goes on...for every word under 500 I take off 2 points.  OK still not a problem, I can write over 500 words easy.  AND every word OVER 500 I take off 1 point.  Damn.

Master and I are getting very very close.  I am surprised at how fast and deep my feelings are for him.  I still love daddy very very much but Master is right there too and he seems to "get me" more.  He listens better, he is more attentive, I feel like I am one of his priorities.  With Daddy, between work, activism and his show dogs, I feel pushed aside sometimes.  All in all, that part of my life is going well right now.  Kind of spooky, like when does the bomb drop?  I am bad, I know.

I have a show coming up soon and then really do need to write that essay.  You all have a great day and thank you for sticking with me.!

Smoochie sends his love for a good week!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C