NOW I LAY ME DOWN...

I am just...tired.  Worn out trying to find a job.  Stressed over making ends meet.  Frustrated with Daddy.

I have been applying for any position I find that I might be remotely capable of doing.  I'd love a decent part time job so that I'd have a couple of days to do what I do now.  I'd like to make some time to finish my novel and write my trilogy, learn more about CSS and other coding for websites, look into doing audio books.  Right now though I am applying and looking into full time jobs also.  All I get are offers for MLM companies and I was even almost scammed last week.  Thank heavens for woman's intuition.

So right no anything that will get the bills paid.  Every time I think I am caught up, something comes along.  Unexpected deposits for utilities, car registration, clothes for the boys, car repairs, school expenses and now I need to find money to go pick up the boys' new glasses... one thing after another and I get further and further behind.  The stress is wearing me out.

Daddy has been nearly nonexistent lately.  Between work and him being sick and the holidays with family, I don't get to see or even talk to him much.  I know he tries, some times.  I did get a phone call on Monday morning and another this morning.  I still feel like leftovers sometimes.  Only important when it's convenient.  I can't make him see that.  He just feels so overworked and that his life is not his any more.  I try to be patient but the longer i feel neglected the littler I become and the more emotional and irrational I get.

I start to feel unloved and unwanted.  My past doesn't help, all the men in my life have made me feel inadequate.  My father even told me there was something wrong with me for wanting to be a stay at home mom for my kids and I needed to get my head checked.  Then he said I was stupid for wanting to divorce my husband because he made good money.  Then the line that made me walk out of his life.  "If you get divorced you will never make anything of yourself your whole life."  What kind of parent tells their child that?

I think I've been connecting more with the BDSM/ DDlg community and reading their blogs, Facebook, Tweets and I miss that dynamic in my life.  It has not been there lately with him being so busy.  I am trying to find ways to work it in even just a little but have as yet been unsuccessful.

So what do I do?  I pout.  Then I fly into a verbal tantrum on his yahoo or in his email.  Of course a few hours later, I hate myself for it.but not until I've had a good cry and a snuggle with Smoochie.

Like I said, I'm tired.  Thank you for letting me rant.  I'm going to bed.

Smoochie is in charge of bringing the tissues tonight.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C