REFLECTION

First some cool news...I am officially published both on the web and in print!  I answered a call for adult writers about a month ago.  Sexy San Antonio is an online adult magazine that was about to put out its first print issue.  I talked to the owner and wrote him a little story that he liked and put in this issue.  The story is a little milder than my normal writing because I wasn't sure where they would draw the line.  He told me I could dirty it up if I wanted but I let it stand as is and will get naughtier for my next piece for them.  The print magazine is available for free in some of the San Antonio head shops.  Check out "Pool Service" and let me know what you think.

So I do this naughty storytelling once a week and I usually pull my stories off the internet.  I was reading one and there was a paragraph in it that kind of struck a chord.  I am a large woman.  I worry about what potential partners think.  It didn't help that in my last relationship my partner hated that I wasn't skinny.  He never knew me when I was skinny, I am not sure why he wanted me anyway but that's another story. Anyway, we almost all have times when we do not believe we are attractive.  I'm not talking when you are cruddy sick and not moved from bed for 2 days.  I'm talking even when we've had a chance to dress and put on makeup.  We all think we are too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, our lips are too big, eyes too small, hips too wide, ass too flat...the list goes on and on.  Even when someone tells us we are beautiful we don't really believe them.

When did we learn not to do this?

This story said that in a vanilla world we are taught to be "humble".  This is a desired trait.  Even more so in the Asian or at least Japanese culture where mothers will refer to their children as ugly or stupid so as not to appear boastful.  So when someone compliments us we naturally try and negate that comment, even in our own minds.  For me, add that my father never thought I was good enough for anything and I have very real self esteem issues.

So along comes Daddy/Master, not to be confused with my father, and he says I am pretty.  He says stop putting myself down.  I stop verbally.  Does my mind believe it?  I worry that I am not enough.  I worry that he will find someone prettier...smarter...funnier...more obedient.  It is hard to relax.  Since we have times he has to be away with little contact, my mind wanders and ends up in places not so good.

Is it just me?  How do I overcome all that?  I told myself that I was no longer going to be what others wanted me to be (meaning general society and my family) but what I and my Daddy want me to be.  I guess it is easier said than done.  I wish I could see myself through Daddy's eyes.

This will take more pondering and maybe some hot cocoa and cookies.

Smoochie hopes you all have a great day!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

NOW WHERE WAS I?

For all my good intentions on getting to bed early, it never happens.  I told myself 3 hours ago that I was heading to bed within the hour.  Guess who is still up?  I get so caught up in things and lose track of the time.

I ran my first ebay auction in years last week.  I had found some old maternity clothes.  I didn't make nearly as much as I expected but at least it didn't cost me anything.  I had to get those packages ready for mailing tomorrow so that is where part of the hour went.  I can't believe how expensive shipping can be though.  A couple of the best items didn't sell at all.  I want to put up some other stuff but I am wondering if it is worth the time at all anymore.  I guess right now every little bit helps.

I've also been doing odd jobs online.  I found one company that will pay me $.02 a word to write content for a clients website.  Most jobs are between 150-200 words each.  It's not a lot but it is something.  I've also been working at Mechanical Turk.  I'm hoping with the two, I can bring in enough to cover the bills while I work on long range projects.

I need to get writing and recording and advertising.  My kitchen is a wreck too.  Since I burned myself, I have been trying to keep my finger out of anything icky so it doesn't get infected.  My kids are picking up part of the slack but they don't do a great job.  The liquid in the blister has finally absorbed back into my body so I think another day for it to dry out and I can finally try and get some good cleaning done.

Back to my work.  I guess my mind is all over tonight...oh how cute is that?

If my daughter were here she would soooo make these for me!

I think as I have gotten older I no longer would make a good employee.  I can do the work, I'm competent and a fast learner.  I am generally warm and gracious but my tolerance level for incompetence and whining have gone way down.  Sometimes though, I wonder if it is old age or just a new attitude about things.

All my life I have tried to be what everyone else thought I should be.  Raised in an Asian family we were taught not to make waves, to be aware of what people thought about you and about what kind of impression you were making.  Sometimes that is good and other times not so much.  When I left my hubby, my ex-hubby now, everyone was shocked because they didn't see it coming.  I hid it from everyone.  I hid the fact that I was unhappy, that he was incapable of making decisions, that he was also incapable of showing love and affection, that most days he would come home, grab a handful of cereal and go to bed leaving me to handle the kids 24/7.  You just don't air your dirty laundry in public, not even to family.

I am done with that.  I want to be what I am, not what they want.  I am a little.  I am a sub.  I even border on slave sometimes.  I would wear a collar full time and not care what they think any more.  Yeah I'm better off left to myself to work most of the time.

Daddy and I got to spend some time online together today during his lunch hour.  Then he called me too!  So I am one happy camper.  On the other hand, he's got a really bad cough.  He works too long and hard and never really recovers from being sick before he is sick again.  I am trying to get him to take some time off.  Maybe come visit me.  *looks all innocent*

Oh look!  I've managed to lose another 30 minutes and still not in bed.  I'd better scoot before Daddy gets mad.

Smoochie sends smoochie kisses!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

OH HAPPY DAY!

*Twirls...leaps...screams...twirls again...breaks out into the happy dance*

Daddy finally had some free time to himself this weekend!  We got to talk and cuddle and most importantly, he finally joined me on our private blog!  I am so excited!

I have this blog, which I use for life in general including things about my Daddy and others that are more general and more PG.  I have my writing blog where I post my stories.  This new one is my first private one.  Only Daddy and I can see it and post to it.  I am trying to see if it is a way to keep communication open between us when his work gets nuts.

I can post about things i see that excite me, pictures, my feelings and moods, even questions I have for him.  He can comment or leave secret messages.  He can outline rules and tasks and I can complete and post them there if possible.  This way, I can leave his messenger open for things like saying I love you.

We were having an issue that when I was sad or mad at him and I'd put it all on messenger then he checks in after 2 days of being in the field without a connection and it looks like I'm b*tching at him, then he doesn't feel like talking to me right away.  This way I can still let my feelings out and he can read them when he's not dead tired and even see if I've progressed beyond that by that time.

Tomorrow I am taking the kids to the aquarium, their sister bought them annual passes so we need to use them.  So early bedtime for me.  OH it's already after 1 am!  Well early for me!

Smoochie grabs our pillow and waves good night!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

WARM DAYS AND CUPPYCAKES

Life has been good lately, not great but good.  There is still a stack of bills sitting here that I don't know how I'm going to pay.  There have been no legitimate callbacks on all the resumes I sent out.  However, weather has been warmer, Daddy and I have been good and I feel happier and more productive now.

I received the mock-up for my story in that new adult magazine and it looks good.  They said it will go both online and in the physical version.  I am so excited!  I hope this turns out to bring in a little side money and more traffic and interest to my writing site.  I am going to be working on a couple of novellas for release on Amazon.  I'd like to get that out there before I finish off my novel and put that out for sale there too.

I will admit, I can be flighty.  I get bored doing the same things all the time.  I figure if I have a number of different types of jobs then things will never always be the same.  So I have my transcription I do for that NY Times best selling author, I have my own writing, the articles for the adult magazine, and I'm working on a connection with a content creation company to write website content.  Then I have my singing, I am gearing up to record audiobooks, and lately I have an urge to be artfully creative.  I'd love to make jewelry or maybe sew plus size... something.  I would need a basic sewing machine though and supplies for either or both.  Then I could open an etsy shop.  I am gearing up to start ebaying again too.  If I can find an occasional contract doing website design then that would be awesome too.  A lot of little jobs that all add up to something substantial.

That would suit me wonderfully!  I could stay home and work.  On the days I feel especially little, I can still work but can also wear my pj's or the Hello Kitty rings I got off the cupcakes we had tonight...

20 min later....

I'm back!  I got sidetracked with an idea and spent some time thinking about that.  I sometimes get distracted easily.  One day I should do a post and put down what has happened between the lines or paragraphs that I write.

 “if you cant handle a needy "little girl" do you deserve to be called a daddy dom?” 

Anyway, I was reading a thread on Fetlife last night.  It was asking if people thought the above quote was true.  I was reading through the posts and I remembered something.  When I met the man who would turn out to be my first Master, we talked about kneeling.  I told him that I viewed it as cold and impersonal.  Most of the time the sub was kneeling and the Dom was either standing or sitting in front of her but there was no physical touch involved and that is what made me feel like that.  Not knowing I was a little back then I never understood why.  Even now, I will kneel but it is out of respect and because Master likes it.  It doesn't make me feel especially sub.  Let me sit in your lap or sit at your feet and hug your leg or pet my head and I will slide toward subspace.  I guess the little in me needs to know he is not only there but that he is there for ME.

It was pretty deep thought for 3 am!  It is almost that here now again.  So I will leave you with a picture of our dessert tonight!  I get all the Hello Kitty rings!  I did give them a choice of Hello Kitty or Pokemon and they chose Hello Kitty.  My boys love me!

Mine and mine and that's mine and this one is mine too and....

Smoochie sends good night smooches!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

TOO MUCH

Still been under the weather the last few days although feeling better.  The weather has been nicer so I'm not freezing at night right now.  It is cold in my bedroom, just the way I love it, but not achingly cold.

Nothing on the job front yet but I did answer a call for adult writers.  Evidently there is a new adult magazine starting up in February and they need adult content.  I sent them a story and they loved it and will put it in the first issue,  which goes to print next week.  No pay for it yet but I will get trackbacks to my writing site and the possibility of pay down the road.  Also I will have something new to put on my resume and it will hopefully bring in some new leads.

I don't know what it is about me and daddy.  I am usually very sub with "the One" and I am with Daddy mostly but when I get riled up and upset with him I can go ballistic.  Yelling at him on messenger or in text.  All my past men would not believe it was the same woman.  I've never done anything like this before.  I am actually very surprised he came back to me and that he has stayed.  Grant it my rants are well deserved but it is so outside of my character it even scares me sometimes.  

I did have a long talk with Daddy's best friend last night.  He assured me that Daddy needs me and that he loves me.  I realized after talking to him that I need to stop ranting at Daddy.  When he is away and can't contact me and then i fill his messenger with my yelling then he is defensive when he gets back and we get no time to really talk.  So I am trying to be more patient and understanding.  To just tell him that I love him and see what happens when he has time to talk to me.  It worked tonight!  He popped on and although he was busy with some business too, he took time in-between to talk to me a bit.  So I am a happy little girl and will sleep well tonight.

Part of keeping calm is trying to keep myself busy.  One of the things I did was to join Fetlife.  I've been lurking and visiting groups.  Introduced myself to a few today.  It is interesting to see the different kinks out there and also to realize how popular your particular kink is.  It is good to read what other baby girls write and be able to connect with that right away.  I learned some new things too.

Possible TMI Alert!!

The past eight months or so, I've been shaving "down there".  Being a BBW it has not been easy.  I have to do it all by feel and although I've gotten better, I still find spots i miss especially in the more sensitive areas, plus I hate the stubble.  Today I learned about sugaring!  I found out you can make the sugaring paste with household ingredients and even the application and removal look fairly easy.  Icing on the cake is that I won't be in danger of cutting anything off!  I can't wait to try it!  There are some excellent YouTubes on it, both how to make it and how to use it.  I will try it in the next couple of days.  I like to take care of it when the kids aren't home to avoid a walk in and questions. I'll let you know how it went.

Anyway, I've been in a musical mood today so want to share one of my fav songs with you.  I love these ladies!

Smoochie blows you all a kiss goodnight!

::: (\_(\

*: (=’ :’) :*

•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C