GROW WITH ME DADDY

I'm really trying to get organized so that I can write here more.  I really am.  Things just always seem to come up.  Then because I don't write regularly, when I do, I have so many things I want to touch on and I can't decide what is more important at the moment so I get discouraged.

The good news is that Daddy found a job and he's going to be moving closer to me!   A little over an hour away now!  Yay!!!!! *does the happy dance*  I will get to see him way more often and we can finally start the next part of our journey...finding out if we are compatible in the real world too.

Things have been like a roller coaster.  Thanksgiving is always hectic.  Put that together with my oldest son being sick since school started and me getting really sick the weekend before and it was a recipe for disaster.  Thanksgiving day itself was actually pretty good.  We don't have TV but Daddy found a place online where I could watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Even though we could never sync it to be watching the same thing at the same time, we at least got to talk about it and I got to see some of my favorite balloons including the hippo and Pikachu!

My younger son set the oven 100 degrees too high for the turkey.  After the first hour, the outside was looking done and I was thinking WTH?  We turned it down 25 degrees lower than it was supposed to be and to be honest, it was probably the juiciest turkey I've ever had.  So he was redeemed.

Anyway, I was sick and couldn't talk for nearly a week.  It was almost 2 weeks before I began to sound normal.  My left ankle was bothering me and my right foot was swollen and I was in extreme pain and having to take my prescription meds, which I hate.  They make me weird and plain cranky.  Frustration set in and Daddy and I had a HUGE...MAJOR...EARTHSHAKING... blow up with each other this past weekend.  Saturday was the most miserable day I've had in years. I was shrill and upset and basically being a b**ch to him.  He was major grumpy and yelling and screaming and swearing.

This went on ALL day, from mid-morning until we finally both went to bed at 3 am.  Even after we made up, I still felt raw and "off".  I felt like something was really broken this time and didn't know what so didn't know how to fix it.  Sunday was a day full of anxiety and panic for me.

We have been talking and we've started something we call "coffeetime".  In the morning, usually, we spend time together online planning our day and stuff.  One of the things we are also doing is that I read to him.  Right now we are reading from "The Five Love Languages".  I read out loud and then we discuss the chapter I've read and how it applies to us.

Yesterday was eye opening for me.  The topic was being "in love" vs "loving someone".  "In love" is the euphoric feeling a good new relationship brings.  You would do anything for the other person and they are perfect for you.  Things come easily and naturally.  You go out of your way, whether you realize it or not, to put your good side forward. Some call it the "honeymoon stage"

Daddy and I have been in a relationship most of 3.5 years now.  That euphoric feeling is fading some.  We tend to do more just talking and cuddling and being together than the raw passionate, intimate stuff.  S--E--X, for those that need it spelled out.  Worry wart that I am, I have been mulling over this (and not in a good way).  I was of the mind that it is "In love" then "falling out of love".  Was daddy falling out of love with me?  Was I now boring him because we knew each other so well?

In the book it says when the "in love" period is over then we have two choices...leave the relationship or work at it.  This is when it takes a conscious effort to make the other person happy.  You don't always do it because YOU want it or it benefits you but simply because it makes them happy and you love them enough to do that for them.  I've seen such a change in Daddy in the last year but mostly in the last 6-8 months.  He tries so hard.  He listens.  He more readily apologizes.  He's not always so defensive right out of the gate.  He makes concessions that I know he isn't 100% happy about but can live with because  it makes ME happy.  He's also taken more of an interest in MY well being too.  Rules are set that simply benefit and encourage ME.

A lot of our fights are because of my insecurities.  This gave me a whole new perspective on us.  He's not falling out of love with me!  He loves me...period.  He's trying to make things right.  He's trying to put a good strong foundation in place so as we move to being more together and physically in the same place, we have a fighting chance at making this work.  That bit of knowledge freed up a lot of anxiety for me.  It's not all gone but a good portion of it is.

So Daddy (he's taken to finally reading what I write too) thank you and I love you.  Things aren't perfect and I know they never will be.  I don't think I want them to be because we'd be bored. LOL  It makes my heart happy that you love me enough to try so hard.

He never gives up on me!  Oh!  And with HIS encouragement, I'm down 7 lbs!  Not a huge change yet for me but moving in the right direction!

Smoochie says he likes it when I'm happy.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

On Daddies and Fathers

Daddy H and I celebrated one whole year back in his collar last night.  He is such an amazing man.  When I first met him, his attitude was "I don't change for anyone, if you don't like it then kiss my a**".  Which is true in a lot of ways, people who love you should love you just the way you are.  However to see the changes in him and knowing they are because he wants to change for me, that is a precious thing.  He is truly becoming the daddy that my heart always wanted and needed.  When i need comforting, he is the only one I want.  He has stopped being so defensive and has started to really listen and therefore is able to soothe instead of stir up more emotions.

Boss Daddy is back for a couple weeks.  He's on vacation and will need to head back East and maybe off shore after that.  I heard from him yesterday and am hoping to see him online tonight.

I am in a lot of pain today.  Starting a couple of years ago my left foot occasionally swells up and gets painful.  I've been to an orthopedic surgeon.  They found some osteoarthritis in that ankle and recommended not to do any walking for exercise nor having a job that had me on my feet or walking all the time.  It used to flair up every few months but I've not had an episode in over a year.  Today, I can barely walk.  I need to lean on the kids to just get between my desk and the bathroom which is just five feet away.  Vicodin and Percocet don't usually touch the pain, nevertheless, I have taken half of one.  Too much makes me sick to my stomach though I've taken and may take as many as two at a time if I need it.  I am starting to feel the effects and hope I get through walking the kids through making dinner before I float away.

First a disclaimer for those that are not in the lifestyle.  The majority of baby girls DO NOT have issues with their real fathers.  I always loved mine and was proud of him even though he was very strict.  I never felt like I was good enough at anything I did in his eyes though.  Then seven years ago when I decided to divorce my husband, I went to him for a small loan to pay a divorce attorney.  That's when he told me that I was stupid and should stick it out because my then husband made good money.  He followed that by saying, you have dug a hole now you will never get out of and I know you are never going to make anything of yourself in this world.  I walked out.  He then proceeded to lie to the courts and helped my husband take my kids away to "teach me a lesson" for not doing as he said.  Since I had no attorney, I lost them for two years until my ex came to his senses and sent them back to me.

I tried once to make up with my father but got shot down again.  I vowed that day to never let him hurt me again.  I've not talked to him in more than five years.  He does not contact his grandsons even though they send him emails for things like Fathers Day.  They have their own email accounts and cell phones but never hear from him.  They don't say much but I know they feel sad that he has forgotten about them.

Today I sent him an email.  Partly to finally say what I needed to about finding out that the family that I though would always be there turned out not to be but mostly to tell him that I have always loved him.  He will be 78 this fall so I'm not sure how many more years he'll be here but I felt the need to let him know that no matter what, and even when I hated what he had done, I never stopped loving him.

I will not ever contact him again.  I've said my piece and I need to move on.  I feel sorry for him sometimes.  He has the admiration of the community where he lives but has alienated 3 out of his 4 daughters.  My youngest sister still spends time with him but that is the kind of person she is.  Family means everything, as it should.  I guess I'm not as good as she is.

Life goes on.  Now it's my turn to try and be happy.

Smoochie says to hug your family today.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

I Just Want To Cry

I have a question for those "s-types" out there.  Babygirl, sub, slave...you know who you are.  Do you have a hard time saying no?  I don't mean to your Daddy or Dominant.  I don't even mean to strangers but to those you know, love and respect?

I seem to get myself into situations where I don't want to say no so agree to things I don't want to do or can't really afford.  Then I kick myself later and get a little resentful.  It stresses me out and makes me just want to put my head in the sand, so to speak.

I hate conflict.  It doesn't mean that I will not stick up for myself when it comes to strangers.  Even my Daddies know that when I am at the end of my rope I will get into a fight with them.  Lately I have been approached by a lot of men online.  These men call themselves daddies and try and call me little girl or baby girl.  My profiles clearly state that I am taken and happily.  To me it shows a lack of respect and quite a bit of arrogance on their part.

Today I told one, if you had any kind of respect at all you would have read my profile and known that I am already taken not available.  His answer?  "That takes too much time."  What? So I told him that he just proved how little respect he has for anyone but himself.

I know I shouldn't but this stresses me out too.  All these stresses add up to big ones and pretty soon I'm having a meltdown and don't even know why.

I need to remember this...chocolate cake please!

I used to be stronger.  When I was married my then-hubby was not a dominant in any sense of the word.  He could not make a decision to save his life.  If he started something it had to be perfect or he wouldn't do it.  He would fold a load of clothes, get 75% of the way done and decide he didn't want to fold any more.  So okay, leave the rest.  No.  The man would UNFOLD everything he'd already done so that he could claim he'd never started. Things would go undone for months, like the leak in the roof because he couldn't decide what needed to be done.  I learned to just step and be the boss.  I didn't want to be.  I hated every minute of it but if I didn't nothing got done.

Now I am the boss.  It is just me and the boys.  I hate it.  Sometimes you just want a good cry and to let someone else take over.  My little comes out more and more and having to do the big girl things stress me more and more.  This is starting to cause a little stress in my relationships with my Daddies.  Luckily for me, they have been understanding and extremely tolerant.  Daddy H especially has been very very loving and sweet.

Okay, I stayed up way too late again.

Smoochie blows you all a ni ni kiss.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

"I Just Want To Cry" by Nicole Hart

GOOD ENOUGH (Am I?)

It has been a rough week, many lessons learned.  It is so hard when so many people in your life have let you down.  So hard not to take it out on the ones around you.  Having anxiety issues makes it even harder, things spiral out of control before you know it and then you can't put the brakes on it.

Have you ever been so scared of losing someone that you deliberately push them away?  If Boss Daddy were to leave me I'd die, yet the thought of that scares me too.  So I start to panic.  My rationale becomes, if I am bad enough then he will leave me and it will be for a good reason.  That is better than being good all the time and then he leaves me anyway and why?  Because I am not good enough?  Because I am unlovable?  So I push and scratch and scream and yell, scared he will leave me and yet part of me wanting him too.  Am I just insane?

Right now the little in me is lost.  She is a part of me.  If she is to exist at all then she is always there.  She is needy.  Daddy is sick and needs me not to be.  So after days of fighting, I realize that she has to go away.  The only way I can control her is to not let her out at all.  To push her down and smother her, like I did for more than 25 years.  The thing is...she is my joy.  To lose her is to lose the part that is happy.  So right now I am depressed and feeling quite dead inside.

Life is so stressful right now.  It is the end of the month and I'm worried about paying all the bills. Yesterday's anxiety attack started because I spent $9, an amount I can't afford, on a new pair of shoes for my son.  His were falling apart, the stitching on the toes and heels all but gone.  He kept telling me, "It's ok Mama, I like these, they keep my toes cool!"  We were at Walmart yesterday, filling our water jugs and they had a bunch of discounted shoes.  These were Avia's and red, his favorite color and only $9.  They fit so I bought them but it started an anxiety attack because now i have to figure out how to juggle the bills to cover it.

I am tired of fighting.  Fighting to live and make ends meet without a real job.  Fighting for love. Fighting to keep my kids.   Fighting for my health.  Just one night I'd love to go to bed and know everything was okay.

I did hear one message though when I was watching my recent Kdrama on Hulu this morning.

From "Queen's Class"

Makes sense.  Now just to find a way to do it.

BTW  I did put up my first recipe on my other blog.  Flax Meal Microwave Muffins.  They are low carb and gluten free.  Take a look and thank you for sticking with me during this rant.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» Baby C

HIGH ANXIETY

I am having an anxiety attack tonight and my Daddies aren't around.  I am trying to keep busy but it's not always easy.  I am completely off my zoloft now and mostly doing well.  Not sure what tonight's trigger was.  I just feel jittery and emotional.  I am trying to work on building the website for my sister's restaurant but it is frustrating me.  Not because it is especially hard but because I am having a hard time concentrating so finding the answers to some fixes I need is not going well.  On top of that, I've not been sleeping well.  Usually up until 4 or 5 am then I wake up at 6 to wake the kids for school.  Then about an hour later I can get a nap in when they leave.  I have been getting out of bed between 9:30 and 10 am though, so not getting a lot of actual sleep in there.  I nod off at my desk all day.. It's a good thing that I work from home right now.

This is me.....not on drugs.

I think I am going to start another blog too.  I'm not abandoning this one but I did rather enjoy my last food blog.  You can see the remnants of it here.  I don't want to do anything regular but would like any food related stuff I post here to be cross posted to that one.  That way people not in the lifestyle who might get a little squeamish can follow that one and not get all the adult stuff.

I don't know what to do with myself tonight.  I just want to lie down and cry so I'm making this a short post to go do that.

Smoochie is waiting for me

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

I AM IN HERE...SOMEWHERE

I am down to half a dose of my Zoloft.  Been in a sort of haze the last few days.  Headache-y and unable to concentrate on anything for very long.  I just had a horrible thought.  What if it's not withdrawal but turns out to be a permanent thing because I'm not on the meds any more?  I haven't been able to do any appreciable work the last few days, even writing this blog is hard.

LOL. I started writing this 12 hours ago and then wandered away from it.

I had a melt down tonight.  It was a rough day, I was feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  Daddy H came online but when i tried to talk to him, he answered but you could tell he was distracted.  I decided to step outside my comfort zone and attend a discussion group in Second Life.  Well it wouldn't let me kn because I had too many scripts (for those that don't know, scripts are the coding that makes things do things and the more you have it causes lag)  I couldn't get them down low enough so I just left.  Tried Daddy H again but felt i got the brush off again.  So what do I do?  I yelled at him, stomped my feet and in no uncertain terms told him I was unhappy.  I was feeling about 3 years old.  Daddy R was working late and hadn't gotten home yet.   I was not a happy camper and was letting them know I wasn't.

Daddy R has actually taken over and he is boss now.  I can talk to Daddy H and snuggle but no playing (as in sex) with him.  Daddy R is mad because Daddy H keeps upsetting me and so he banned him from playing for now until he earns his way back.  He was not a happy camper but understood why and said he'd do the same if the tables were turned.  I told the two of them to work it out and let me know but don't put me in the middle.

Daddy R eventually came home and heard I was upset  so he came online.  We talked and he reminded me that he loved, wanted, needed and craved me (his words).  We discussed my issues and he assured me he wasn't any of the former men in my life and he wouldn't act like them  He reaffirmed that i was his and that he would be there for me and together we'd work through the fears and walls I have.  He also gave me homework.  I need to read and write a report about alternate natural methods to fight anxiety, then he kissed away the tears and said good night because he had to be up in 4 hours.

So here I am calmer and feeling a bit warm and fuzzy.  It is funny, daytime I can barely function but at night I have insomnia.  I sure hope this all goes away when I'm off the Zoloft for good.  I should be completely off in another 2 weeks or so.  I love my Daddies, both of them, but especially Daddy R.  I have never felt so loved and protected in my life.

I am going to watch a bit of my KDrama (Queen Class) and hopefully get tired enough to go to bed.  Can't wait to see Daddy again tomorrow!

Smoochie says he will introduce you to his new friend next time!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

AND THEN THERE WERE TWO

Life has taken an interesting turn of events lately. No job yet but I've been making a decent amount doing odd jobs here and there.  Time will tell if it will continue and be enough to at least cover all the bills.

I've started back low carbing.  I lost a lot of weight doing Somercize back in 2001, then I got pregnant.  I kept about 75% of the weight off for a long time.  Then about four years ago, I got really sick...":women stuff" but it left me severely anemic.  I didn't have the energy to do anything but eat and sleep.  My weight climbed back up again.

I tried low carb, Somercize,  Weight Watchers, gluten free.  I did all of them religiously for weeks and lost nothing.  Last year, about this time, Daddy and I were having a rough time and I'd go 24-36 hours without eating anything.  I was so depressed and I was having anxiety attacks on top of it all.  I dropped about 25 lbs in three months.  Finally the anxiety got so bad i had to go to the doctor.  She put me on meds.  At the same time, she discovered I was newly diabetic.  So more meds for that.  I am doing well and ready to hop back on the weight loss bandwagon again.

I am dragging the kids with me this time.  They eat entirely too many carbs.  Before you all scream, I am not taking away all their carbs.  Breakfast they eat half at home, half at school.  While they are home they stick with protein.  Ham or turkey and cheese.  I can't control what the school serves but the boys are learning to make better choices.  Chili and cornbread vs corndogs.  Dinner is low carb.  Meats and tons of non starchy veggies.  They were eating about 3-4 cups of rice EACH at dinner time.  I do have whole grain bread, brown rice and sweet potatoes for a touch of carbs on the weekend for them too.  It has been two days now and so far no complaints so we will see how it goes.

The biggest thing that has happened is in my personal life with Daddy.  Those who follow know that Daddy works long hours and sometimes is out in the field and doesn't even have cell phone coverage.  I miss him so much when he's gone and he's gone a LOT.  So we had a talk and he said he was assigning me a babysitter..  His best friend was going to keep me from being lonely and be my protector.  I talk to his best friend from time to time and he's a nice guy so I said okay.  Daddy is afraid he was going to lose me if I was lonely all the time.  He was right, I was thinking about it.  We have spent some quality time together.  I am loving the cuddles and conversation, among other things.  I clear things with Daddy.  He encourages our closeness and it has brought him and I closer too.  So I have my Daddy and I have my Master now.  Daddy is both Daddy and my Master.  Master is my Master and babysitter but NOT my Daddy.

Feeling the Love

I know it's kind of weird and I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't like it but right now, it seems to be working for us.  I am happier, more centered and I feel loved by both of them.

Well bedtime for me.  I think i caught the kid's crud again.

Smoochie waves good night!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

REFLECTION

First some cool news...I am officially published both on the web and in print!  I answered a call for adult writers about a month ago.  Sexy San Antonio is an online adult magazine that was about to put out its first print issue.  I talked to the owner and wrote him a little story that he liked and put in this issue.  The story is a little milder than my normal writing because I wasn't sure where they would draw the line.  He told me I could dirty it up if I wanted but I let it stand as is and will get naughtier for my next piece for them.  The print magazine is available for free in some of the San Antonio head shops.  Check out "Pool Service" and let me know what you think.

So I do this naughty storytelling once a week and I usually pull my stories off the internet.  I was reading one and there was a paragraph in it that kind of struck a chord.  I am a large woman.  I worry about what potential partners think.  It didn't help that in my last relationship my partner hated that I wasn't skinny.  He never knew me when I was skinny, I am not sure why he wanted me anyway but that's another story. Anyway, we almost all have times when we do not believe we are attractive.  I'm not talking when you are cruddy sick and not moved from bed for 2 days.  I'm talking even when we've had a chance to dress and put on makeup.  We all think we are too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, our lips are too big, eyes too small, hips too wide, ass too flat...the list goes on and on.  Even when someone tells us we are beautiful we don't really believe them.

When did we learn not to do this?

This story said that in a vanilla world we are taught to be "humble".  This is a desired trait.  Even more so in the Asian or at least Japanese culture where mothers will refer to their children as ugly or stupid so as not to appear boastful.  So when someone compliments us we naturally try and negate that comment, even in our own minds.  For me, add that my father never thought I was good enough for anything and I have very real self esteem issues.

So along comes Daddy/Master, not to be confused with my father, and he says I am pretty.  He says stop putting myself down.  I stop verbally.  Does my mind believe it?  I worry that I am not enough.  I worry that he will find someone prettier...smarter...funnier...more obedient.  It is hard to relax.  Since we have times he has to be away with little contact, my mind wanders and ends up in places not so good.

Is it just me?  How do I overcome all that?  I told myself that I was no longer going to be what others wanted me to be (meaning general society and my family) but what I and my Daddy want me to be.  I guess it is easier said than done.  I wish I could see myself through Daddy's eyes.

This will take more pondering and maybe some hot cocoa and cookies.

Smoochie hopes you all have a great day!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

WARM DAYS AND CUPPYCAKES

Life has been good lately, not great but good.  There is still a stack of bills sitting here that I don't know how I'm going to pay.  There have been no legitimate callbacks on all the resumes I sent out.  However, weather has been warmer, Daddy and I have been good and I feel happier and more productive now.

I received the mock-up for my story in that new adult magazine and it looks good.  They said it will go both online and in the physical version.  I am so excited!  I hope this turns out to bring in a little side money and more traffic and interest to my writing site.  I am going to be working on a couple of novellas for release on Amazon.  I'd like to get that out there before I finish off my novel and put that out for sale there too.

I will admit, I can be flighty.  I get bored doing the same things all the time.  I figure if I have a number of different types of jobs then things will never always be the same.  So I have my transcription I do for that NY Times best selling author, I have my own writing, the articles for the adult magazine, and I'm working on a connection with a content creation company to write website content.  Then I have my singing, I am gearing up to record audiobooks, and lately I have an urge to be artfully creative.  I'd love to make jewelry or maybe sew plus size... something.  I would need a basic sewing machine though and supplies for either or both.  Then I could open an etsy shop.  I am gearing up to start ebaying again too.  If I can find an occasional contract doing website design then that would be awesome too.  A lot of little jobs that all add up to something substantial.

That would suit me wonderfully!  I could stay home and work.  On the days I feel especially little, I can still work but can also wear my pj's or the Hello Kitty rings I got off the cupcakes we had tonight...

20 min later....

I'm back!  I got sidetracked with an idea and spent some time thinking about that.  I sometimes get distracted easily.  One day I should do a post and put down what has happened between the lines or paragraphs that I write.

 “if you cant handle a needy "little girl" do you deserve to be called a daddy dom?” 

Anyway, I was reading a thread on Fetlife last night.  It was asking if people thought the above quote was true.  I was reading through the posts and I remembered something.  When I met the man who would turn out to be my first Master, we talked about kneeling.  I told him that I viewed it as cold and impersonal.  Most of the time the sub was kneeling and the Dom was either standing or sitting in front of her but there was no physical touch involved and that is what made me feel like that.  Not knowing I was a little back then I never understood why.  Even now, I will kneel but it is out of respect and because Master likes it.  It doesn't make me feel especially sub.  Let me sit in your lap or sit at your feet and hug your leg or pet my head and I will slide toward subspace.  I guess the little in me needs to know he is not only there but that he is there for ME.

It was pretty deep thought for 3 am!  It is almost that here now again.  So I will leave you with a picture of our dessert tonight!  I get all the Hello Kitty rings!  I did give them a choice of Hello Kitty or Pokemon and they chose Hello Kitty.  My boys love me!

Mine and mine and that's mine and this one is mine too and....

Smoochie sends good night smooches!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

PLEASE PASS THE

Geritol!  I need some Geritol!

If you remember that then you are showing your age!  I slept most of the day yesterday, even almost missed a show.  Didn't even manage to eat dinner.  I am lucky the kids can fend for themselves now and then.  They had cheese quesadillas and chili.

Even today, I feel groggy and unfocused.  I still sent out at least a dozen applications/resumes.  I hope my befuddled mind didn't mess anything up too badly.  I've expanded my search out to 25 miles from home.  Not sure if going any further than that is cost effective, so hoping I get a few bites within that radius.

I did get on the government site for healthcare.  Wasn't a good idea today.  It just made it extra frustrating.  so it goes like this.  I can't get Medicaid and I don't make enough to qualify for reduced premiums.  What?  So the poor get screwed again.  I guess I get to pay more than my income for health insurance.

Daddy and I are arguing again, kinda.  He called me on the way to work this morning then had to hang up because of traffic.  I've not heard from him since.  I don't know what is up with us.  If he's still mad or if he even still wants me any more.  I am just lonely.

I was so bored that I went over to Fetlife and opened an account.  Spent the evening just looking around.  I am shy until I get to know people.  I'll probably just lurk for awhile and see what goes on.

I hope you all had a good Monday.  I am going to bed.

Smoochie waves good night!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

NOW I LAY ME DOWN...

I am just...tired.  Worn out trying to find a job.  Stressed over making ends meet.  Frustrated with Daddy.

I have been applying for any position I find that I might be remotely capable of doing.  I'd love a decent part time job so that I'd have a couple of days to do what I do now.  I'd like to make some time to finish my novel and write my trilogy, learn more about CSS and other coding for websites, look into doing audio books.  Right now though I am applying and looking into full time jobs also.  All I get are offers for MLM companies and I was even almost scammed last week.  Thank heavens for woman's intuition.

So right no anything that will get the bills paid.  Every time I think I am caught up, something comes along.  Unexpected deposits for utilities, car registration, clothes for the boys, car repairs, school expenses and now I need to find money to go pick up the boys' new glasses... one thing after another and I get further and further behind.  The stress is wearing me out.

Daddy has been nearly nonexistent lately.  Between work and him being sick and the holidays with family, I don't get to see or even talk to him much.  I know he tries, some times.  I did get a phone call on Monday morning and another this morning.  I still feel like leftovers sometimes.  Only important when it's convenient.  I can't make him see that.  He just feels so overworked and that his life is not his any more.  I try to be patient but the longer i feel neglected the littler I become and the more emotional and irrational I get.

I start to feel unloved and unwanted.  My past doesn't help, all the men in my life have made me feel inadequate.  My father even told me there was something wrong with me for wanting to be a stay at home mom for my kids and I needed to get my head checked.  Then he said I was stupid for wanting to divorce my husband because he made good money.  Then the line that made me walk out of his life.  "If you get divorced you will never make anything of yourself your whole life."  What kind of parent tells their child that?

I think I've been connecting more with the BDSM/ DDlg community and reading their blogs, Facebook, Tweets and I miss that dynamic in my life.  It has not been there lately with him being so busy.  I am trying to find ways to work it in even just a little but have as yet been unsuccessful.

So what do I do?  I pout.  Then I fly into a verbal tantrum on his yahoo or in his email.  Of course a few hours later, I hate myself for it.but not until I've had a good cry and a snuggle with Smoochie.

Like I said, I'm tired.  Thank you for letting me rant.  I'm going to bed.

Smoochie is in charge of bringing the tissues tonight.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

YES (DADDY) BOSS!

I know I missed yesterday.  I've been feeling very yucks the last few days.  Not anything I can put my finger on.  Occasional tummy ache and nausea.  Also a strange very intermittant pain right under my sternum.  Hoping it's all just the slight crud left over from Christmas.  Seems a long time but we were all sick back and forth from Christmas till March last year.  No medical insurance for me yet this year too but at least the kids are covered.

Daddy was at a dog show all weekend.  I missed him terribly.  I have noticed that the longer we go between communications and the lonelier I feel the littler I feel too.  So between not feeling well and Daddy being gone it was a rough weekend for me.

This morning though my cellphone rang.  I have a special ring for Daddy so I knew it was him!  I was sooooo happy to hear his voice and he said me missed me very very much.  He did well this weekend so he was super happy though and I was happy for him.  The call made my whole day better.

This is my ringtone for Daddy!  Puts me right into subspace when I hear it!



The other day we were grocery shopping and there was a freezer that said "Clearance" on it.  I am always on the look out for markdown meats and things.  I once got four boneless leg of lambs for 99 cents a lb and boneless western beef ribs for  a buck a pound!  So we take a peek and there are these big 2 lb bags of head-on shrimp.  I look at the price...$2.98 a bag!  Not a pound, which would have been a great price anyway but a bag!  So I bought two.  Tonight I pulled one out and threw together some sauteed shrimp with garlic, ginger and green onions.  Soo yummy!  It was more than worth all the effort to shell them while we ate and took 10 min to cook!

Ginger Garlic Shrimp!  Yummies!

Ok so I'm caught up again.  A day late but back in the swing of things.  I already have an idea for tomorrow's post.  I have a little art project to finish first.

Smoochie says good night and to keep warm out there (it's 19F here right now *sad face*)

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

CHRISTMAS RECAP AND A TEST

We survived another Christmas.  I guess it wasn't too bad.  The kids seemed to enjoy it even if it was a a lean Christmas.  They had good food, which is an important part of any event for them.

Even through my sadness we baked butter shortbread cookies, made egg muffins (2 kinds) for Christmas breakfast and then a spiral ham for Christmas Dinner.

Egg Muffins - 2 Kinds!

Right about the time the clock switched from the 25th to the 26th I heard from Daddy H.  After a lot of back and forth and some strong emotions, we finally got back on the same page and made up.  He has been more attentive today so I appreciate that and hope it keeps up.  Makes me so much happier.

Out of boredom and the need to do something creative today, I started a Facebook page to go with this blog.  This post is actually a test to see if it will automatically post to my FB account.

Here is a great picture from a page that I follow in FB.  Go visit them at Confession of a Curvy Girl

I love this!  A good one to post on the wall for New Years!

Smoochie says good night and keep your fingers crossed that this gets to FB!

 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

BA HUMBUG!

Three days until Christmas.  There are no decorations up.  I tell myself it is because we have not found the box that holds the few that are not in my storage unit in California.  Truth is... it doesn't seem like Christmas.

I have been singing Christmas music in my shows since the day after Thanksgiving and I love it but other than that, I do not feel the joy of the season.  Could it be that even though we've moved and I believe we are in a better place, finances are still hard?  There is no money for Christmas this year.  I am thankful we have food and I have a ham in the fridge waiting to be Christmas dinner.  My boys work hard all year, in school they are top notch students.  At home, they do a lot of the work here.  All the heavy lifting is their job.  Groceries, trash, even vacuuming.  I cannot even afford to show them how much I appreciate them.

I think that is only part of it though.  I am feeling so lost and don't know what to do about it.  The little in me is hurt and scared and feeling abandoned.  Daddy H has been working long hours, 80+ a week.  We don't have much contact and my heart misses him.  I miss Daddy/Master connection.  He has no time right now for that.  I, on the other hand, have been feeling very very young.  The result is that I am not handling the ups and downs and the loneliness as well as I should.  He is tired and overworked and so short tempered and snippy.  Makes me wonder what we have sometimes.

It is hard to be in the Christmas spirit when all you want to do is crawl in bed with your stuffie, put your thumb in your mouth and stay there.  The adult me doesn't function well when the little me is this upset.  I wonder if it is like this for others or is there just something wrong with me?

I'M BACCCCKKKK!!!!!

I'm back!  Anyone miss me?  Probably not.  You have to have followers to be missed.  It has been a long couple of months.  I hate packing and moving!

I finally decided on a mover.  He was a little more than I had planned but what is a girl to do,especially a baby girl?  I worried the whole time that my stuff wouldn't get there or he'd hold it ransom for more money.  Everything went off without a hitch and he was amazing.

I thought I had it all under control but when they arrived I was still packing boxes.  They moved fast and in about 2 hours they were done.  He said I was one of the most organized people he had ever moved.  Me!?  You can tell he doesn't know me at all.

I think the only reason they think that is because when I was shopping at the big W I found some moving labels on clearance.  All kinds of pretty colors.  You use a different color for each room and then there is a master sheet for each color!  Of course I saved the purple ones for my room.

The drive to TX was uneventful.  One of my besties came with me and did most of the driving since I have a strong tendency to fall asleep at the wheel.  It's not a good trait to have when you are driving across a few states.

I love my new apartment!  It is HUGE!  Even with the boxes we still have to unpack, there is plenty of room to walk around.  There are only two downsides.  It is on the 2nd floor and there is no washer and dryer.  Otherwise it's perfect and I love it.

We are learning to get around town and finding the things we need.  I did get lost for an hour up in the "big city"  trying to find a Whiole Foods last weekend but all in all we are doing good.

OH LOOK HOW CUTE!

Oh where was I?  Oh yeah.  As far as a personal life, well, it is hard to say.  I am still seeing Daddy H.  Sometimes it's good, sometimes he's very very busy dealing with life and work.  I am at a loss and sometimes, like today, I just want to cry.  I know it's silly but I miss him and I miss his control and hand in my life.  I am not sure how to keep that connection when times are like this.

He said he might be down here for New Years.  I hope so, it will go a long way in cementing our relationship....

Ok took a break to sulk and have my back and legs rubbed.  Then I got a surprise!  Daddy H popped on for a bit to see me!  I am a happy little girl again! I feel like coloring but I have a show and then I am holding a naughty story hour so maybe later tonight.

It is amazing what just a hello from him does.  I was on the verge of tears and now my heart feels like it's flying!

I hope to be posting more often here.  Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Smoochie says he's happy to be back!

 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

A LITTLE RANT

I have been going through some interesting and trying times.  Trying to get things in place for the move.  Finding a place to live and a job.  Getting quotes and comparing services from movers and auto transport.  Dealing with this overwhelming fatigue.

YET

I've met a man too and we've been spending time together.  He is definitely a Dom but never thought of himself as a Daddy Dom.  He has all the traits and he treats me very well.  He is even tempered, kind and nurturing.  He takes interest in what I am doing and asks how my day went.  He questions me on my plans and what I have done to move them forward and he makes suggestions about them.  He is free with praise  and tells me he is proud of me.  He is possessive and protective and wants to guide me into being better in every way.  He is also controlling and strict but fair and I know where I stand and what I need to do to make him happy, which makes my life easier and less stressful.  I have reined back the little in me just a bit, but when I do let her out he seems amused and I can make him laugh.  Everything I could wish for ... almost.

The problem is, even though he wants monogamy, he sees me as a possession not as someone to love like a partner.  I'm not sure that sits well with me.  My need to be loved is so strong.  It probably overrides every single other need I have.  While it seems that he can give me everything else I want, that need leaves a nagging doubt in my mind.  I am still mulling over what I should do, taking my time and not making any promises or commitments right now. 

I am feeling exceptionally little tonight.  Lonely, hurt  and confused. 

I was talking to a friend who lives near where I'm moving.  I adore this man and we are dear and close friends.  I asked him if he had any other suggestions about finding private rentals down that way besides craigslist.  I didn't know if there were local publications or something.  He started telling me I was an irresponsible parent and that I couldn't just move my kids like that without knowing what I was doing.  It is a risk sure  but staying here is a losing proposition.  At least there we have a fresh start, the economy is better and there are more jobs, especially for my skills.  He cut me very deeply and i cried most of the night. 

Why do the men in my life do this?  Why is it that their way is the only right way?  Here I am trying to make a better life for myself, for my children and I get slammed for trying.  He probably doesn't think he did anything wrong but I hurt so much.  Who is he to judge me and my decisions?  Just because it is not the way he would do things doesn't mean that I am wrong for doing them.  Friends (and family) are supposed to support you no matter what.  You don't hurt people you care about like that.  You dont make them feel worthless and stupid and selfish, not when they are trying so hard to pull themselves up.

I just want someone to hold me right now but there isn't anyone here to do that.  So it is just Smoochie and I tonight.

Smoochie says good bye for now.

 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

BIG NEWS

Yes I'm not doing very well keeping up.  Life has been so hectic.

The big news is that I have most of the money I need to move!  That is a load off stress of my shoulders.  I just need to stay afloat until mid November when I can vacate my current apartment.  It's not going to be an easy task but we will manage.

We moved here to the desert a couple of years ago.  I was with a man who wanted to retire here.  We split up soon after the move because of the lack of attention and his not caring about my sons's education.  We don't know anyone here.  We don't have family.  I don't have a job so no co-workers and because I can't drive at night and my kids go to school out of district, we don't get a chance to meet and connect with the other families.

I have recently become friends with a woman I met online and we have fun but she lives quite a bit away and we only get to see each other in a blue moon.

The move will mean a new life for us.  Jobs are supposedly plentiful where we are going and we already know people down there.  So I will have emergency contacts for the boys if I need them.  they will also make sure we get out now and then.  The music scene is awesome too and I'm hoping I can do a little something with my singing.  My boys are excited beyond belief.

I noticed the blog is getting away from its original purpose and that may be okay, but I still want it to be a place I can post and discover more about myself too.

I am finding the little in me popping up more and more.  In some ways it is nice.  Like when you go to Disneyland with a young child and see it through their eyes.  I see things differently sometimes.  I take more delight in the cute, pretty, beautiful and whimsical things.  I also find myself talking to myself often in my little voice.  Usually to ohhh and ahhh over some trinket or when I'm trying to find a solution to a problem and the later it gets, the more it happens.

(I can't get the pic to post and I'm too tired to figure it out tonight)

My need for attention has grown too.  I get lonely faster and cranky faster if I feel rejected.  Daddy H and I are still talking and feeling each other out but I don't think he understands yet how much I've changed and how to deal with it.  I don't know what it is about him  or about us.  I fight with him way more than anyone else.  With others I have always kept quiet and then when I'd had enough, we'd calmly talk about it and it was done.  Daddy H and I argue and fight and sometimes I get hysterical one him.  Only him.. ever.  Not sure if that means we shouldn't be togther or that he means more to me so the feelings are stronger.  I guess we will just have to wait and see.

It's late and I'd better try and get some sleep.

Smoochie says sweet dreams

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

A MOMENT OF CONTENTMENT

Life always takes such interesting turns.  I've decided to just put in my vacate notice tomorrow.  In 60 days I'll either be headed to Austin or homeless..  Big risk but I know if I stay here I will be homeless anyway.  Well that's not true.  I can pay the rent but not anything else.  No electricity, no food, no gas for my car.but we'll have a roof over our heads!  So we'll see what happens.  I have a lot of stuff to do.  Packing is the biggest  and then finding a mover.

Thought they said everything was bigger in TX!

My ex hubby finally found a job.  It is far away though  (in the middle of the Pacific Ocean) but at least it's a job.  Downside is the boys won't be able to see him and now I have no one to drive us to Austin.  I can't do it, after 30 or 40 minutes I'll be asleep at the wheel.  Just another hurdle to jump.

I have decided to relax and give my past another chance to prove he should be a part of my life again.  I really did miss him.  He taught me a lot about myself and more importantly, he will allow me to be myself.  We will see how well he can nurture the little side of me.  It is important to me to have someone who can and will do that.

It is looking to be a busy week.  New transcription coming in any day (hallelujah!).  I have some books to write and finish and now a song to write that is going to take some research first.  I love new projects though, especially when I am doing them for someone I care about.  I guess I have to dig out the guitar.  Wait.. I'm supposed to be packing , not opening.  Sometimes I guess we have to take a step back to take two forward.

Mostly, I guess I am just happy tonight.  I haven't been totally for awhile and not sure I am there yet but for tonight, I am ... content.  Maybe I'll even get some sleep.  Imagine that.

Smoochie says sweet dreams...


::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

ISSUES

Life has been interesting.  Some days harder than others.  I tend to worry and internalize things.  That is probably the reason I seldom sleep well.  If someone I care about is upset I automatically start thinking about ways I might have caused or added to that.

My father and I have not been on speaking terms for a few years.  When I decided I wanted to divorce my husband, he told me that I was nuts and that i should stay with him just because he made decent money.  Then he said he would lend me the money to pay for the attorney to help me keep my children but I would have to go to psychiatric counseling to find out what was wrong with me that I had wanted to be a stay at home mother all those years instead of having a career.  He also said that he was sure I would never amount to anything in my life.  I walked out.  He then proceeded to lie and help my ex get custody of the kids to "teach me a lesson". 

Father Issues, Daddy Issues...You Don't Even Want To Know!

I did try to make up a couple of years later and was squashed under his heel again.  I vowed never to do it again.  Well it's been over four years so I sent him an email letting him know how the kids were and what our plans were.  I did get an email back.  It was kind of a ..".good to hear the kids are doing well...good luck.. don't call me..I'll call you"...kind of email.  Shrugs.  Why do I even try?  Nothing I have ever done, no matter how well, has ever pleased him.

An old friend has returned to my life lately.  He never really left but sometimes communication would be few and far between.  He's back to making more regular appearances.  I adore this man, he has always been very good to me.  He was there for me during my whole divorce and some bad times after that and I owe him a lot.  He is not Dom by any means.  He is actually rather vanilla by my tastes but I enjoy his company tremendously.  He is romantic and caring and just wants to spend time together whether it be dancing and talking or watching movies.  I'm glad he's back.  It makes my life less lonely.

Daddy H. and I have finally been having some talks.  I am still wary and taking things slow.  Some of my other male friends keep telling me I can't go back to him.  They also say that they are there for me and will always take care of me but they never talk to me and they are to busy in their own relationships to care what is happening with me.  Makes me feel rejected sometimes.  Anyway, Daddy H. and I are working through issues little by little.  I think he is surprised I didn't jump at the chance to get back together and is realizing that we do need to talk and take care of some things first.

I should try and get some sleep, I need to be up in three hours.

Smoochie says good night!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C