Have you ever been so scared of losing someone that you deliberately push them away? If Boss Daddy were to leave me I'd die, yet the thought of that scares me too. So I start to panic. My rationale becomes, if I am bad enough then he will leave me and it will be for a good reason. That is better than being good all the time and then he leaves me anyway and why? Because I am not good enough? Because I am unlovable? So I push and scratch and scream and yell, scared he will leave me and yet part of me wanting him too. Am I just insane?
Right now the little in me is lost. She is a part of me. If she is to exist at all then she is always there. She is needy. Daddy is sick and needs me not to be. So after days of fighting, I realize that she has to go away. The only way I can control her is to not let her out at all. To push her down and smother her, like I did for more than 25 years. The thing is...she is my joy. To lose her is to lose the part that is happy. So right now I am depressed and feeling quite dead inside.
Life is so stressful right now. It is the end of the month and I'm worried about paying all the bills. Yesterday's anxiety attack started because I spent $9, an amount I can't afford, on a new pair of shoes for my son. His were falling apart, the stitching on the toes and heels all but gone. He kept telling me, "It's ok Mama, I like these, they keep my toes cool!" We were at Walmart yesterday, filling our water jugs and they had a bunch of discounted shoes. These were Avia's and red, his favorite color and only $9. They fit so I bought them but it started an anxiety attack because now i have to figure out how to juggle the bills to cover it.
I am tired of fighting. Fighting to live and make ends meet without a real job. Fighting for love. Fighting to keep my kids. Fighting for my health. Just one night I'd love to go to bed and know everything was okay.
I did hear one message though when I was watching my recent Kdrama on Hulu this morning.
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| From "Queen's Class" |
Makes sense. Now just to find a way to do it.
BTW I did put up my first recipe on my other blog. Flax Meal Microwave Muffins. They are low carb and gluten free. Take a look and thank you for sticking with me during this rant.
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2 comments:
Just remember, that life flows in cycles. It won't always be hard in this way. It will be hard in many other ways at various times, but this is the way it goes. There will be high points to balance it out too, and I hope you get one soon :-) What helps me is to take as much joy as I can from three little things: my child's smile, the smell of bread baking in the oven, yoga and deep breathing. I know that these things can't erase anxiety, but I do hope you find some peace here and there.
Big hugs,
River
Thank you River your comment means a lot. Easy to think we are alone sometimes. I need to kick this financial cycle so it moves. 7 years is too long.
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