CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU

I'e been dealing with life here.  Financial life has not gotten any better.  I am still looking for work or something so the battle still rages there.

I have been attending discussions groups online.  Searching for?  I am not really sure.  Insight I guess.  Ways to keep connected.  Some places, if you are new, they barely recognize you are there.  Questions or comments are ignored.  Other places welcome you with open arms.  In some groups I am very vocal.  In others I just listen.

Overall I like the sub lead discussions the best.  The subs are warmer and more inviting and less intimidating I guess.  I am always worried about insulting people.  I am of the belief that just because you call yourself a Dom/me does not mean that I have to address you any differently than I address the general population.  I don't need to call you "Sir" or "Miss" unless I feel you have earned that title.  I don't even call my Daddies Sir.  I know that annoys some people and since I do not want to offend those who own or manage the groups, I just keep quiet sometimes.

That said, I have discovered one Dominant whose talks I enjoy.  This one is a woman but to me she is very open, very warm and stresses the fact that her way is not necessarily the right way for everyone.  She's funny and vocal and her girls seem to love and respect her.  They are equally vocal and it is fun to watch the interaction between them.

Attending these events have lead to some soul searching though.  One of them actually left me hurt and in tears.  All my life I have felt like I don't fit in.  Everyone says you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with anyone.  I never felt that.  I am never happy by myself.  When I discovered the D/s lifestyle everything finally clicked into place.  What makes me happy is making someone else happy.  I live to serve.  It finally dawned on me that it was okay to feel this way.  It was okay to want to give responsibility over to someone else.  As part of all that, I worry and I fret a lot.  I get stressed about everything and when things get out of hand for me, I need a hug or to hear Daddy's voice.

The discussion was about resilience as a sub.  The question was "How do you approach your Dominant about something that makes you feel bad and how do you get over it?"  I responded that it was different for every couple and for me being in Daddy's lap led to talking about it and then getting over the hurt/anxiety/stress.  Another gal after me said that one had to find a way to self soothe and having your Dom help was just an indication of not having a healthy relationship and that person should not be in a relationship at all.  Wrong thing to say to this worry wart.

So I was questioning whether I should be with my Daddies at all.  I am emotional.  I have a lot of baggage.  As a sub, they are my shelter in the storm.  If I keep things in am I not being totally honest with them?  Not only that, I trust their insights.  Babygirls especially need their Daddies to do for them what they can't sometimes.  If I am upset and left to myself that upset grows and grows  and soon I'm in a full blown tantrum and thinking that I need to get rid of everything and everyone in my life.

Another question that has popped up from these discussions has been the issue of Babygirl vs slave.  I understand babygirl.  I am babygirl no matter what, it is part of my personality and makeup.  I can be babygirl with someone or by myself.  Slave, however, requires a Master.  Being slave is defined by his guidelines and expectations for and about me.  Since Boss Daddy has been so busy, We've sort of lost that and I am missing it very badly.  I am not sure what defines me as slave right now.  Boss Daddy says things are setting down at work and he will be around more now so hopefully this will resolve itself.  I am tired of feeling lost all the time.        

That said, I started new Facebook page hoping to connect with others who are in LDRs.  Please come join us and share.  Or if you can pass the link on to others who might be interested I'd appreciate it.

https://www.facebook.com/longdistanceds

Also don't forget our other page for the babygirls in all of us.

https://www.facebook.com/Discoveringdaddysgirl                                                                                                                                                                                                                         It is nearly 4 am here and I am falling asleep at my computer.  I'd better go before I get a spanking.

Smoochie says "sleep well"

                                                                                                                                        
::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

"Cant Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

WARNING!  I am in extreme little subspace right now.  This post is full of ranting, raving, tears and general emotional, sometimes irrational, meltdown.

I was checking all my social media sites earlier and saw there was a message for me on Fetlife.  I went to read and there was a man, a stranger man, writing to me.  the title of his message was "hello little one".  the message said what he was looking for and then he ended with  "if you want to chat, come to Daddy".

I was very very offended and told him nicely that I felt he was being disrespectful.  I was NOT his little one and he was NOT my Daddy and since my profile says prominently that i am owned, collared and that I already have my Daddies that it was double disrespectful..

He wrote back that he didn't think there was anything wrong in what he did.  I was looking for a post i saw either on fetlife or tumblr about that subject but couldn't find it and only got more and more frustrated.  So i just sent a note back that maybe he should join one of the babygirl groups and ask them what they thought and learn proper etiquette before he really hurt someone.  then i had a good cry.

My Daddies call me little one sometimes, it is a special thing between us.  He is NOT my Daddy, I don't want him to be my Daddy and I don't want him to pretend he is my Daddy!  I love my Daddies with all my heart and soul. and he shouldn't try and come between us.

To make things worse, I did get to talk to Daddy H earlier in the evening but Daddy R, who is my rock, was out in the field and unreachable tonight.  So all i want is my Daddy and I can't even reach him.  It has been a bad zoloft withdrawal day and I am just overwhelmed right now.

Was I wrong?  Why does it make me feel bad?  Why does it make things feel ...i don't know... dirty?  not taboo dirty but like i need to take a bath dirty.  I just want my Daddy, my real daddies and not some fake who wants to steal me away.

I need ... a movie .. and  ... and.... ice cream!  then smoochie and maybe i will get to hear from Daddy in the morning.

NOW I LAY ME DOWN...

I am just...tired.  Worn out trying to find a job.  Stressed over making ends meet.  Frustrated with Daddy.

I have been applying for any position I find that I might be remotely capable of doing.  I'd love a decent part time job so that I'd have a couple of days to do what I do now.  I'd like to make some time to finish my novel and write my trilogy, learn more about CSS and other coding for websites, look into doing audio books.  Right now though I am applying and looking into full time jobs also.  All I get are offers for MLM companies and I was even almost scammed last week.  Thank heavens for woman's intuition.

So right no anything that will get the bills paid.  Every time I think I am caught up, something comes along.  Unexpected deposits for utilities, car registration, clothes for the boys, car repairs, school expenses and now I need to find money to go pick up the boys' new glasses... one thing after another and I get further and further behind.  The stress is wearing me out.

Daddy has been nearly nonexistent lately.  Between work and him being sick and the holidays with family, I don't get to see or even talk to him much.  I know he tries, some times.  I did get a phone call on Monday morning and another this morning.  I still feel like leftovers sometimes.  Only important when it's convenient.  I can't make him see that.  He just feels so overworked and that his life is not his any more.  I try to be patient but the longer i feel neglected the littler I become and the more emotional and irrational I get.

I start to feel unloved and unwanted.  My past doesn't help, all the men in my life have made me feel inadequate.  My father even told me there was something wrong with me for wanting to be a stay at home mom for my kids and I needed to get my head checked.  Then he said I was stupid for wanting to divorce my husband because he made good money.  Then the line that made me walk out of his life.  "If you get divorced you will never make anything of yourself your whole life."  What kind of parent tells their child that?

I think I've been connecting more with the BDSM/ DDlg community and reading their blogs, Facebook, Tweets and I miss that dynamic in my life.  It has not been there lately with him being so busy.  I am trying to find ways to work it in even just a little but have as yet been unsuccessful.

So what do I do?  I pout.  Then I fly into a verbal tantrum on his yahoo or in his email.  Of course a few hours later, I hate myself for it.but not until I've had a good cry and a snuggle with Smoochie.

Like I said, I'm tired.  Thank you for letting me rant.  I'm going to bed.

Smoochie is in charge of bringing the tissues tonight.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

BA HUMBUG!

Three days until Christmas.  There are no decorations up.  I tell myself it is because we have not found the box that holds the few that are not in my storage unit in California.  Truth is... it doesn't seem like Christmas.

I have been singing Christmas music in my shows since the day after Thanksgiving and I love it but other than that, I do not feel the joy of the season.  Could it be that even though we've moved and I believe we are in a better place, finances are still hard?  There is no money for Christmas this year.  I am thankful we have food and I have a ham in the fridge waiting to be Christmas dinner.  My boys work hard all year, in school they are top notch students.  At home, they do a lot of the work here.  All the heavy lifting is their job.  Groceries, trash, even vacuuming.  I cannot even afford to show them how much I appreciate them.

I think that is only part of it though.  I am feeling so lost and don't know what to do about it.  The little in me is hurt and scared and feeling abandoned.  Daddy H has been working long hours, 80+ a week.  We don't have much contact and my heart misses him.  I miss Daddy/Master connection.  He has no time right now for that.  I, on the other hand, have been feeling very very young.  The result is that I am not handling the ups and downs and the loneliness as well as I should.  He is tired and overworked and so short tempered and snippy.  Makes me wonder what we have sometimes.

It is hard to be in the Christmas spirit when all you want to do is crawl in bed with your stuffie, put your thumb in your mouth and stay there.  The adult me doesn't function well when the little me is this upset.  I wonder if it is like this for others or is there just something wrong with me?

HOW FAR IS DOWN?

This weekend has been full of a lot of highs and lows.  I am hoping the lows are so low because I am sick.  I seem to have caught the cold my youngest had last week.  Sneezing, runny nose, scratchy throat.  I thought I was dying Friday night, I felt so sick.

The good news is that it seems I have found a place to live when we move.  I talked to the rental agent and he told me about the apartment.  I've filled out the application and just need to get it and a deposit check in the mail tomorrow.  I am excited about it.  It seems like a nice unit.  It only has two downfalls right now.  1)  It is on the 2nd floor.  2) It has no washer and dryer in the apartment itself.  Otherwise it seems large and spacious.

It is in a good location and very close to a couple of my favorite places to shop.  Now I just need to see about getting my stuff there affordably and I'm good to go.

My shows went well this week.  They were well attended and I booked a couple more for the next couple of weeks too.  It is cyclical.  I get very busy for a while, then things die down for a couple of months and then pick up again.

I am feeling very down tonight.  There has been a lot of rejection in my life the last six months.  Most days I handle it fairly well.  Daddy H has not been around this weekend and I think with me being sick, I've needed the contact with someone.  I've spent the weekend mostly alone.  Makes me feel like I'm never quite good enough for anyone.

I don't think I ask for much.  Someone to hold me and love me.  Someone who makes me feel like they want to spend time with me.  Someone who thinks maybe I'm special.  Who will tuck me in at night and check to make sure I've done what I need to.  Someone who will just say hello or good morning.

It all makes my heart ache.  I guess I will go and snuggle with Smoochie.  He is always there when I need him.

Smoochie waves goodnight.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

A LITTLE RANT

I have been going through some interesting and trying times.  Trying to get things in place for the move.  Finding a place to live and a job.  Getting quotes and comparing services from movers and auto transport.  Dealing with this overwhelming fatigue.

YET

I've met a man too and we've been spending time together.  He is definitely a Dom but never thought of himself as a Daddy Dom.  He has all the traits and he treats me very well.  He is even tempered, kind and nurturing.  He takes interest in what I am doing and asks how my day went.  He questions me on my plans and what I have done to move them forward and he makes suggestions about them.  He is free with praise  and tells me he is proud of me.  He is possessive and protective and wants to guide me into being better in every way.  He is also controlling and strict but fair and I know where I stand and what I need to do to make him happy, which makes my life easier and less stressful.  I have reined back the little in me just a bit, but when I do let her out he seems amused and I can make him laugh.  Everything I could wish for ... almost.

The problem is, even though he wants monogamy, he sees me as a possession not as someone to love like a partner.  I'm not sure that sits well with me.  My need to be loved is so strong.  It probably overrides every single other need I have.  While it seems that he can give me everything else I want, that need leaves a nagging doubt in my mind.  I am still mulling over what I should do, taking my time and not making any promises or commitments right now. 

I am feeling exceptionally little tonight.  Lonely, hurt  and confused. 

I was talking to a friend who lives near where I'm moving.  I adore this man and we are dear and close friends.  I asked him if he had any other suggestions about finding private rentals down that way besides craigslist.  I didn't know if there were local publications or something.  He started telling me I was an irresponsible parent and that I couldn't just move my kids like that without knowing what I was doing.  It is a risk sure  but staying here is a losing proposition.  At least there we have a fresh start, the economy is better and there are more jobs, especially for my skills.  He cut me very deeply and i cried most of the night. 

Why do the men in my life do this?  Why is it that their way is the only right way?  Here I am trying to make a better life for myself, for my children and I get slammed for trying.  He probably doesn't think he did anything wrong but I hurt so much.  Who is he to judge me and my decisions?  Just because it is not the way he would do things doesn't mean that I am wrong for doing them.  Friends (and family) are supposed to support you no matter what.  You don't hurt people you care about like that.  You dont make them feel worthless and stupid and selfish, not when they are trying so hard to pull themselves up.

I just want someone to hold me right now but there isn't anyone here to do that.  So it is just Smoochie and I tonight.

Smoochie says good bye for now.

 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C