LIFE IN THE FAST LANE

First I want to say...

HAPPY BELATED GIRLS DAY!

Wow I really lost track of the time here.  Didn't realize it has been so long since I've posted.  Life has just been busy I guess.  All my social media was ignored for at least 4 days.  I got a lot done though.  Refrigerator and freezer are stuffed to the gills  We only need to go out for milk, ice and to refill our bottled water.

Bottled water.  Ok here is a small rant.  When I was living in Arizona there were water and ice stores all over the place.  You could refill your large water containers with pure water run through a reverse osmosis system (important for taking the fluoride out) and usually buy some ice cream or other frozen treat.  they were relatively inexpensive, like a buck for 5 gallons of water.  The tap water in AZ wasn't too bad.  I would run it through a Brita and it was fine to drink but Daddy says no fluoride.  Here where we are, even when I run the water through the filter pitcher, it has all kinds of crud in it.  I made the kids stop drinking it.  That said there are two...2...TWO  places to refill your water containers here!  They are both within a mile of each other on the other side of town.  Lately one or both have been out of order when I go to refill, meaning I have to buy already bottled water at nearly a buck a gallon!  Sighs, makes no sense.  If i had money I'd think about opening one of those water stores here.  Ok end of rant.

I might pay a bit extra for these in my glass too!

I found out that my performing alter ego's website has been taken down.  She was lucky enough to be able to piggyback off someone else's site but I guess they decided not to renew.  So I have been checking into various web hosting sites and finally decided on one.  I am now the owner of two of my own domains but need to get to work to build the sites.  I am not nor have ever been trained in website design or programming.  I am self taught and so will be doing this by trail and error.  One site is for my performing and writing.  I sing and write under different names although my fans know both of them.  The other site is for me personally.  I will move my virtual assistant site there and I am looking at opening an Etsy shop and will make an extension on my own site for some things.  I guess I need to read Etsy's policies first.  That has kept me busy the last few days.

Today we finally got all our new cell phones also.  Yay no more horrendous bills!  So of course we had to program contacts and download all the apps.  It is the boys' first smart phone and they are going nuts but they had to learn to use them today.  If you are not a huge user, check out Zact.com.  I am impressed by their structure.  It is inexpensive and you only pay for what you use pretty much.  I am saving at least $100/mo off my bill and we now have 3 smart phones.  Yay us!

Good thing I've been busy because my Daddies have not been around much the last few days.  They had a good friend pass last week.  He was young, only 27 years old and they think it was a blood clot that migrated from his leg to his heart.  So they have been busy with the arrangements and taking care of the family then the wake this weekend.  To make things worse they are both sick with some stomach crud.  So I've seen and heard very little from them.  I miss them.  Yeah I'm high maintenance in that regard.  I require frequent contact and reassurance.

Ok I've procrastinated enough.  I was supposed to start looking at building my site but it's almost 2 am.  I guess I'll take a quick look then head to bed.

Smoochie says to get my butt in there because it is FREEZING!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

ALMOST AWAKE

Okay, I am back to being an adult.  Oh who am I kidding, I'm never really an adult any more.  I'm back to not being so emotional I guess is a good way to put it.  I had quite a bit of support from the people at Fetlife  and it made me feel a lot better.  Daddy R made sure to tell me that I was his through and through and that I belong to him and Daddy H and no one else gets to have me.  That made me feel much better too.

I am down to a quarter dose of Zoloft as of tonight.  I got no work done this past week.  I did do my taxes but that was only because Turbotax asks one question and a time and I can save and walk away from it whenever i wish and I did, frequently.  Mostly I've just been headache-y and confused.    Yesterday and today weren't bad though but we start again with the lower dose tonight.  Hopefully it will all soon be over.

I downloaded this app for my phone.  It's called Binality and basically plays binaural beats.  I don't know a lot about them and I might get this wrong but these beats carry different frequencies or something and can help with all kinds of stuff from insomnia to pain relief.  You are supposed to listen with stereo headphones but i don't, I just play it on my phone which i then place on my night stand.  I don't know if it really works but I have been falling asleep faster and sleeping better.  Also I have started dreaming again, something that I haven't done for a long time except for an occasional one here and there.

I'd love to dream this!  Hello Topiary by Eric Joyner

*Took a sleep break when I passed out at my desk, then couldn't get up this morning, sighs.  So again 12 hours later, we continue...*

Except now I have no idea what I was going to say.

Daddy H and I got into another one of our fights this weekend.  That man gets so defensive sometimes.  When we fight it is for stupid things, things that would not be an issue if he kept me up to date on stuff going on.  This time though, Daddy R jumped in and mediated.  He listened to me and told Daddy H that he had better do the same and also to talk to me nicer.  Of course I got a lecture too but then nice snuggles after.

One wonderful thing did happen this weekend though.  Daddy R called me on the phone!  I got to talk to him and hear his voice and other stuff.  *Grins*  I also have his cell phone number now so I can text him whenever I want!  Boy is he gonna be sorry!  Daddy H said that his friend has been burned a few times and would take awhile before he would trust enough to give me his number and he was surprised it happened so soon.  Now I can text him good morning and good night and reach him before I get into another fight.

Anyway, I am falling asleep again.  I can't wait until this is over, hopefully in another 10 days or so.

Smoochie is waiting and sends his love.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

I AM IN HERE...SOMEWHERE

I am down to half a dose of my Zoloft.  Been in a sort of haze the last few days.  Headache-y and unable to concentrate on anything for very long.  I just had a horrible thought.  What if it's not withdrawal but turns out to be a permanent thing because I'm not on the meds any more?  I haven't been able to do any appreciable work the last few days, even writing this blog is hard.

LOL. I started writing this 12 hours ago and then wandered away from it.

I had a melt down tonight.  It was a rough day, I was feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  Daddy H came online but when i tried to talk to him, he answered but you could tell he was distracted.  I decided to step outside my comfort zone and attend a discussion group in Second Life.  Well it wouldn't let me kn because I had too many scripts (for those that don't know, scripts are the coding that makes things do things and the more you have it causes lag)  I couldn't get them down low enough so I just left.  Tried Daddy H again but felt i got the brush off again.  So what do I do?  I yelled at him, stomped my feet and in no uncertain terms told him I was unhappy.  I was feeling about 3 years old.  Daddy R was working late and hadn't gotten home yet.   I was not a happy camper and was letting them know I wasn't.

Daddy R has actually taken over and he is boss now.  I can talk to Daddy H and snuggle but no playing (as in sex) with him.  Daddy R is mad because Daddy H keeps upsetting me and so he banned him from playing for now until he earns his way back.  He was not a happy camper but understood why and said he'd do the same if the tables were turned.  I told the two of them to work it out and let me know but don't put me in the middle.

Daddy R eventually came home and heard I was upset  so he came online.  We talked and he reminded me that he loved, wanted, needed and craved me (his words).  We discussed my issues and he assured me he wasn't any of the former men in my life and he wouldn't act like them  He reaffirmed that i was his and that he would be there for me and together we'd work through the fears and walls I have.  He also gave me homework.  I need to read and write a report about alternate natural methods to fight anxiety, then he kissed away the tears and said good night because he had to be up in 4 hours.

So here I am calmer and feeling a bit warm and fuzzy.  It is funny, daytime I can barely function but at night I have insomnia.  I sure hope this all goes away when I'm off the Zoloft for good.  I should be completely off in another 2 weeks or so.  I love my Daddies, both of them, but especially Daddy R.  I have never felt so loved and protected in my life.

I am going to watch a bit of my KDrama (Queen Class) and hopefully get tired enough to go to bed.  Can't wait to see Daddy again tomorrow!

Smoochie says he will introduce you to his new friend next time!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

POST VALENTINE'S DAY

Happy Happy "Heart" Day!!!  I hope you all had a great one!

Valentine's Day kind of snuck up on me this year.  (Omg, isn't "snuck" a real word?  My spell check says no way.)  I was thinking that it was tomorrow.  I don't have anything for the kids and I am trying to figure out what to do.  We are still doing the low carb thing and they are doing so well that I do not want to veer from it yet.  Budget doesn't allow of much more than a sweet treat though.

Holidays have always been a big deal in my house.  Growing up we celebrated everything.  Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, 4th of July, New Years, Valentine's Day, Easter, Girl's Day, International Children's Day (not Boy's Day ... I had no brothers).  Heck my father even brought presents when he went out of town for work.  He and my mom also celebrated the anniversary of their first date every year.  There were always presents and good food.

I try to keep that alive today with my kids.  Times have been tough and the budget really lean but I try at least to cook something special.  My ex-hubby, his family didn't celebrate anything.  He got a check for his birthday but that was it.  I think in 18 years of marriage I only received 4 presents from him for any occasion.  An electric keyboard and a pot set that I had told him I did NOT want the week before, were the two he came up with.  A ring and a laptop computer, both my sister's idea and she went and got them.  Don't get me wrong, I loved the pressies, well except for the pot, but I would have been happier if he had gotten some small trinket on a more frequent basis.  A Hello Kitty pencil, a cupcake or even just my favorite chocolate bar.

Ok whining done for now.  Maybe some sugar free candy for the kids.  Like I said they have been doing really well on the reduced carb thing.  They have each dropped between 8-10 lbs.  They have carbs at school during the week and I allow whole grain carbs at home for breakfast or lunch on the weekend.  No starch carbs for dinner.  (I got sidetracked from writing.  Didn't get them anything but we will go out tomorrow and we'll see.)

So interesting turn of events...Master R is now my Daddy too so I guess he changes to Daddy R.  I need t think of a different moniker for him or them or something.  We are getting along very very well and he is who I spend most of my time with lately.  He has become very enamored of this babygirl.  I am not sure why but he says he adores me.  He has exerted his dominance and claimed lead position.  I love my Daddy H but in reality, he has so much on his plate that is more important than me and I am not sure it will ever change.  This is a good compromise.  I love them both and Daddy R takes very good care of me.  He is better at nurturing and guiding.  He is infinitely patient, he listens and doesn't get defensive.  He can make me toe the line when it is important.  I truly am a lucky babygirl.  I have two men who love me to death and they know about each other and it's all okay.

I've missed Valentine's Day already and it's late, so I'm off to bed.

Smoochie blows you some kisses.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

WHAT? WHERE? WHO AM I AGAIN?

Life has been so busy lately.  I mean to write then get sidetracked and when I realize I haven't posted I am too tired and go to bed.  I haven't forgotten this blog and I am sure I will get back to something regular soon.  Until then I will post when I can.

I am feeling especially spacey today.  A year ago, I was going through some very bad anxiety attacks.  You know that feeling you get in the back of your neck and head when you think you might have been caught doing something bad, like when a cop stops you and you wonder if you were speeding or you know you were?  I felt like that 100x over and all day.  It never let up.  I could see how people would want to kill themselves just to make it stop.  I finally went to the doctor and she put me on Zoloft.  The first 4 days kicked my butt.  I couldn't think, couldn't even wake up for the first two days.  I had to call the kids in sick on that Friday because I could not get behind the wheel of a car.  Luckily for me the next three days were a holiday weekend.  After that I thought things were fine.  the doctor told me to stay on it for at least a year and well, it's been a year.

Daddy and Master don't like drugs that mess with the mind and since I was thinking of going off of it anyway, I started to read about tapering off.  I realized I had all kinds of side effects but didn't attribute them to the Zoloft.  Weight gain, I thought it was just one of those cycles where I put on some pounds...ok it was quite a few,  m ore than 20.  My vision has gotten very bad.  I attributed that to old age and diabetes.  Now I read a lot of people have vision problems on this med.  Sometime I find myself at a loss for words or the correct word or I will think of something I need to do and turn to my laptop and poof, can't remember what it was I was doing.  This literally all happens within a split second.  It is time for me to come off the meds.

I only take 50 mg/day so last night I only took 3/4 of a dose and will do so for the next 5-7 days, then reduce it again.  So yeah spacey and tired today but feel like I need to write.

I am also procrastinating.  I got in trouble with Master last night for being impatient.  I can be infinitely patient, unless I am in little mode and guess where I was mentally yesterday?  So I got homework...poop.  I have to write a 500 word essay on why I am impatient.  He will grade me, 75% on content and 25% on grammar and spelling and stuff.  Well little me had to open her mouth.  After all writing is what I do, that and singing.  I said "no problem writing is one of the things I am good at.".  So then he says ok so if you get below 80 then you have to do it all again.  Not a problem right?  THEN he goes on...for every word under 500 I take off 2 points.  OK still not a problem, I can write over 500 words easy.  AND every word OVER 500 I take off 1 point.  Damn.

Master and I are getting very very close.  I am surprised at how fast and deep my feelings are for him.  I still love daddy very very much but Master is right there too and he seems to "get me" more.  He listens better, he is more attentive, I feel like I am one of his priorities.  With Daddy, between work, activism and his show dogs, I feel pushed aside sometimes.  All in all, that part of my life is going well right now.  Kind of spooky, like when does the bomb drop?  I am bad, I know.

I have a show coming up soon and then really do need to write that essay.  You all have a great day and thank you for sticking with me.!

Smoochie sends his love for a good week!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

AND THEN THERE WERE TWO

Life has taken an interesting turn of events lately. No job yet but I've been making a decent amount doing odd jobs here and there.  Time will tell if it will continue and be enough to at least cover all the bills.

I've started back low carbing.  I lost a lot of weight doing Somercize back in 2001, then I got pregnant.  I kept about 75% of the weight off for a long time.  Then about four years ago, I got really sick...":women stuff" but it left me severely anemic.  I didn't have the energy to do anything but eat and sleep.  My weight climbed back up again.

I tried low carb, Somercize,  Weight Watchers, gluten free.  I did all of them religiously for weeks and lost nothing.  Last year, about this time, Daddy and I were having a rough time and I'd go 24-36 hours without eating anything.  I was so depressed and I was having anxiety attacks on top of it all.  I dropped about 25 lbs in three months.  Finally the anxiety got so bad i had to go to the doctor.  She put me on meds.  At the same time, she discovered I was newly diabetic.  So more meds for that.  I am doing well and ready to hop back on the weight loss bandwagon again.

I am dragging the kids with me this time.  They eat entirely too many carbs.  Before you all scream, I am not taking away all their carbs.  Breakfast they eat half at home, half at school.  While they are home they stick with protein.  Ham or turkey and cheese.  I can't control what the school serves but the boys are learning to make better choices.  Chili and cornbread vs corndogs.  Dinner is low carb.  Meats and tons of non starchy veggies.  They were eating about 3-4 cups of rice EACH at dinner time.  I do have whole grain bread, brown rice and sweet potatoes for a touch of carbs on the weekend for them too.  It has been two days now and so far no complaints so we will see how it goes.

The biggest thing that has happened is in my personal life with Daddy.  Those who follow know that Daddy works long hours and sometimes is out in the field and doesn't even have cell phone coverage.  I miss him so much when he's gone and he's gone a LOT.  So we had a talk and he said he was assigning me a babysitter..  His best friend was going to keep me from being lonely and be my protector.  I talk to his best friend from time to time and he's a nice guy so I said okay.  Daddy is afraid he was going to lose me if I was lonely all the time.  He was right, I was thinking about it.  We have spent some quality time together.  I am loving the cuddles and conversation, among other things.  I clear things with Daddy.  He encourages our closeness and it has brought him and I closer too.  So I have my Daddy and I have my Master now.  Daddy is both Daddy and my Master.  Master is my Master and babysitter but NOT my Daddy.

Feeling the Love

I know it's kind of weird and I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't like it but right now, it seems to be working for us.  I am happier, more centered and I feel loved by both of them.

Well bedtime for me.  I think i caught the kid's crud again.

Smoochie waves good night!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C