HANGING ON

I'm down with the crud again.  I guess it could be allergies but it feels like the crud.  Kids didn't get sick this time though.  I feel like I am breathing underwater. I will have to hit the doctor in a couple of days if this keeps up.

Life.  So life has been interesting.  The struggle to survive continues.  Bills get paid mostly.  I do have a storage unit that i have had for the last 5 years that I cannot afford to pay for.  It is in California and I can't afford to have the things shipped to me either so my guess is that I will lose everything in it.  Most of the stuff I don't care about.  The kids' old toys, some household decorations, a few pieces of artwork.  I am hoping someone will go and grab the bins of pictures though.  Pictures of my daughter when she was young and of the boys.  Old friends, keepsakes...that sort of thing.  I asked my sister to go or to send one of my nephews but they have been too busy the past few weeks.  I'm hoping soon and before the place locks them out.

The daddies are doing well.  Boss Daddy is nearly well but first was playing catch up at work after having been out with pneumonia, then the storms hit and they have been scrambling to make repairs and stuff. I miss him as I don't get to see him very often.  We text and he calls every few days if he can.

Daddy H and I still have this volatile relationship.  When things are good they are really really good and when they are not good, well, it plain sucks.  He has been putting in more of an effort sometimes.  I've watched him grow and change a bit.  At the same time, he has periods where I become nearly non existent.  He will send me IM's online but I don't get to "see" him or spend one-on-one time with him.  We are in one of those periods now.  I told him last night that we could stay friends but he needed to let me go.  He said no.  That is the very very short story.  We argued for over five hours.  He finally conceded that he neded to make a bigger effort and that things needed to change , at least a little. So we will see.  I love him, deeply, so I am willing to give him another chance as long as we are moving forward and not backward.

Recently I have gotten several PM's at Fetlife.  While the occasional one is polite and respectful there are others there who need a lesson in etiquette.  To them I have posted two new pages.  You can find them here and here.  They are some things that need to be said given some recent occurrences.

That is a lot of writing for one day!  PHew!  I am out for now.

Smoochie sends some loving your way!


::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

ALMOST AWAKE

Okay, I am back to being an adult.  Oh who am I kidding, I'm never really an adult any more.  I'm back to not being so emotional I guess is a good way to put it.  I had quite a bit of support from the people at Fetlife  and it made me feel a lot better.  Daddy R made sure to tell me that I was his through and through and that I belong to him and Daddy H and no one else gets to have me.  That made me feel much better too.

I am down to a quarter dose of Zoloft as of tonight.  I got no work done this past week.  I did do my taxes but that was only because Turbotax asks one question and a time and I can save and walk away from it whenever i wish and I did, frequently.  Mostly I've just been headache-y and confused.    Yesterday and today weren't bad though but we start again with the lower dose tonight.  Hopefully it will all soon be over.

I downloaded this app for my phone.  It's called Binality and basically plays binaural beats.  I don't know a lot about them and I might get this wrong but these beats carry different frequencies or something and can help with all kinds of stuff from insomnia to pain relief.  You are supposed to listen with stereo headphones but i don't, I just play it on my phone which i then place on my night stand.  I don't know if it really works but I have been falling asleep faster and sleeping better.  Also I have started dreaming again, something that I haven't done for a long time except for an occasional one here and there.

I'd love to dream this!  Hello Topiary by Eric Joyner

*Took a sleep break when I passed out at my desk, then couldn't get up this morning, sighs.  So again 12 hours later, we continue...*

Except now I have no idea what I was going to say.

Daddy H and I got into another one of our fights this weekend.  That man gets so defensive sometimes.  When we fight it is for stupid things, things that would not be an issue if he kept me up to date on stuff going on.  This time though, Daddy R jumped in and mediated.  He listened to me and told Daddy H that he had better do the same and also to talk to me nicer.  Of course I got a lecture too but then nice snuggles after.

One wonderful thing did happen this weekend though.  Daddy R called me on the phone!  I got to talk to him and hear his voice and other stuff.  *Grins*  I also have his cell phone number now so I can text him whenever I want!  Boy is he gonna be sorry!  Daddy H said that his friend has been burned a few times and would take awhile before he would trust enough to give me his number and he was surprised it happened so soon.  Now I can text him good morning and good night and reach him before I get into another fight.

Anyway, I am falling asleep again.  I can't wait until this is over, hopefully in another 10 days or so.

Smoochie is waiting and sends his love.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

WARNING!  I am in extreme little subspace right now.  This post is full of ranting, raving, tears and general emotional, sometimes irrational, meltdown.

I was checking all my social media sites earlier and saw there was a message for me on Fetlife.  I went to read and there was a man, a stranger man, writing to me.  the title of his message was "hello little one".  the message said what he was looking for and then he ended with  "if you want to chat, come to Daddy".

I was very very offended and told him nicely that I felt he was being disrespectful.  I was NOT his little one and he was NOT my Daddy and since my profile says prominently that i am owned, collared and that I already have my Daddies that it was double disrespectful..

He wrote back that he didn't think there was anything wrong in what he did.  I was looking for a post i saw either on fetlife or tumblr about that subject but couldn't find it and only got more and more frustrated.  So i just sent a note back that maybe he should join one of the babygirl groups and ask them what they thought and learn proper etiquette before he really hurt someone.  then i had a good cry.

My Daddies call me little one sometimes, it is a special thing between us.  He is NOT my Daddy, I don't want him to be my Daddy and I don't want him to pretend he is my Daddy!  I love my Daddies with all my heart and soul. and he shouldn't try and come between us.

To make things worse, I did get to talk to Daddy H earlier in the evening but Daddy R, who is my rock, was out in the field and unreachable tonight.  So all i want is my Daddy and I can't even reach him.  It has been a bad zoloft withdrawal day and I am just overwhelmed right now.

Was I wrong?  Why does it make me feel bad?  Why does it make things feel ...i don't know... dirty?  not taboo dirty but like i need to take a bath dirty.  I just want my Daddy, my real daddies and not some fake who wants to steal me away.

I need ... a movie .. and  ... and.... ice cream!  then smoochie and maybe i will get to hear from Daddy in the morning.

A FEW RAMBLINGS TO PROVE I'M NOT DEAD, I THINK

Weekends are always so busy for me!  Between shows and having to go to the laundromat and do grocery shopping, most of my social media stuff gets put off.  I am so behind on my Facebook page and tumblr and Fetlife and yes, my blogs too.

My finger still has a huge blister on it from the sugaring wax.  On one hand it is good that it is still intact. There is less chance of infection this way.  On the other hand, keeping it bandaged and trying to keep it dry and relatively sterile is a pain.  I occasionally get a tingling pain in it too.  I am hoping it is the nerves coming back or pain around the site and not the dreaded infection.  The kids have been doing the dishes and everything the last few days.  I am hoping my body just reasorbs it all.  I wash it, put some honey on it and then bandage it up again at least once a day.

I picked up a little bit of piece work doing content creation for websites.  Pays 2 cents a word right now, which isn't fantastic but better than nothing.  If I can write enough to make between $!5-$20/day then I won't be rich but will be able to pay the bills.  Just need a few more like that.

I got to see Daddy tonight.  Can we say "YAY!"  His mother is in the hospital.  I guess she needed a bypass operation.  He says she's doing better but between that and work he's not been around much.  I miss him a lot when he's not around.  He said he would try and be back again tomorrow.

I was going to write something else but now I can't remember what.   I think I am too tired to be doing this right now, so I'll just leave you with something cute!

Almost too pretty to eat...Almost!

Smoochie is calling so I'm out!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

10 - 1 = NOT A LOT OF FUN

It is not my usual post date but of course I feel the need to write tonight.

So nearly a year ago Daddy and I were talking and the conversation got around to shaving down "there".  Now I am an older woman (my two sons could be my grandchildren) and I am uber curvy to boot so I had never dared to shave my kitty.  Of course Daddy being Daddy he insisted.  I shave my legs like twice a year.  I only have 3 or 4 hairs near my ankles on each side.  So I had to go out and get good razors and shave cream and moisturizer.

I carry all my weight in my tummy so I have to shave blind.  I do it all by feel.  to make it worse, I think my arms are shorter than average because I can only reach with one arm at a time.  It wasn't fun nor pretty.  I cut myself in a few places then in bed that night I was feeling my hairless puss and discovered it wasn't as hairless as I had thought.

Over the months I've gotten better but could still never get it all and it grows back so fast.  I would love to get it waxed but like I can afford that?  Not.  Lucky for me I was on Fetlife and they were talking about waxing and someone mentioned sugaring.  I Googled it...what else?  I found a lot of Youtubes showing how it is done and how to make your own.  Bingo!




So today I tried it.  Mixed sugar, water, salt, and lemon juice and cooked it.  Did what it showed on the video.  Poured it out and cooled it.  Hmmm still the consistency of molasses.  Put what I could back in the pan and then cooked it some more.  Poured and cooled again.  Oh now we are getting somewhere!

Got it into a ball and started to work it, keeping my hands wet.  It got softer and softer and softer until it slid right through my fingers.  Sighs again.  Poured the whole thing down the sink.

By now the kitchen was starting to get a bit sticky everywhere but thoughts of a smooth hairless kitty kept tempting me so I gave it one more go.  Used a little less water and lemon juice this time.  Poured it into the pan and let it sit for a bit.  Started scooping it into a ball.  Secret to keeping your hands wet...just wet the tips of your fingers and rub that over your hand.  Work it good and keep transferring it hand to hand because it is still HOT!

Put it into a small bowl and took it to my desk.  Tried it on my underarms and then face.  Took some of the hair off.  I had to play a while to figure out the right consistency.  I had put some in a small dish like they use for soy sauce when you eat sushi.  When it got cold I would microwave it for 10 seconds to soften it up again.  I finally got the hang of it and was happily reclined on my bed slapping carmelized sugar on my privates. It wasn't too painful and i was impressed that the hair was coming off.  The trips back and forth to the microwave got tedious though.

After a while I decided I wanted to throw away the part I was using and get a new piece so I stuck the bigger bowl in the microwave and put it on the same 10 seconds.  Took it out and gingerly touched it and DAMN!  Put my index finger right into liquid molten sugar!  I stuck my finger under cold water then on a chunk of ice in the freezer.  It hurt like hell for like 2 minutes, then it stopped.  Not a good sign.  I went back to finishing my wax job.  When I was done I was mostly hairless, sticky from head to toe and had a huge blister on my right index finger, the finger I use the most.

My finger..that is a blister!

It did start to hurt later around the edges but not on the burn itself.  I did get to whine to Daddy who was properly saddened by the fact I was hurt.  I am also learning to type with only 9 fingers.

On a funnier note, my son came home from school and seeing the bowl on my desk asked what it was.  I told him sugaring wax to take the hair off like my eyebrows.  He asked what was in it and when I told him he said, "Does it taste good and can I have it for snack?"

So that is my sad story for the day.  I will try this sugaring thing again and see how it goes next time.

Smoochie is ready to snuggle with me so good night!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

WARM DAYS AND CUPPYCAKES

Life has been good lately, not great but good.  There is still a stack of bills sitting here that I don't know how I'm going to pay.  There have been no legitimate callbacks on all the resumes I sent out.  However, weather has been warmer, Daddy and I have been good and I feel happier and more productive now.

I received the mock-up for my story in that new adult magazine and it looks good.  They said it will go both online and in the physical version.  I am so excited!  I hope this turns out to bring in a little side money and more traffic and interest to my writing site.  I am going to be working on a couple of novellas for release on Amazon.  I'd like to get that out there before I finish off my novel and put that out for sale there too.

I will admit, I can be flighty.  I get bored doing the same things all the time.  I figure if I have a number of different types of jobs then things will never always be the same.  So I have my transcription I do for that NY Times best selling author, I have my own writing, the articles for the adult magazine, and I'm working on a connection with a content creation company to write website content.  Then I have my singing, I am gearing up to record audiobooks, and lately I have an urge to be artfully creative.  I'd love to make jewelry or maybe sew plus size... something.  I would need a basic sewing machine though and supplies for either or both.  Then I could open an etsy shop.  I am gearing up to start ebaying again too.  If I can find an occasional contract doing website design then that would be awesome too.  A lot of little jobs that all add up to something substantial.

That would suit me wonderfully!  I could stay home and work.  On the days I feel especially little, I can still work but can also wear my pj's or the Hello Kitty rings I got off the cupcakes we had tonight...

20 min later....

I'm back!  I got sidetracked with an idea and spent some time thinking about that.  I sometimes get distracted easily.  One day I should do a post and put down what has happened between the lines or paragraphs that I write.

 “if you cant handle a needy "little girl" do you deserve to be called a daddy dom?” 

Anyway, I was reading a thread on Fetlife last night.  It was asking if people thought the above quote was true.  I was reading through the posts and I remembered something.  When I met the man who would turn out to be my first Master, we talked about kneeling.  I told him that I viewed it as cold and impersonal.  Most of the time the sub was kneeling and the Dom was either standing or sitting in front of her but there was no physical touch involved and that is what made me feel like that.  Not knowing I was a little back then I never understood why.  Even now, I will kneel but it is out of respect and because Master likes it.  It doesn't make me feel especially sub.  Let me sit in your lap or sit at your feet and hug your leg or pet my head and I will slide toward subspace.  I guess the little in me needs to know he is not only there but that he is there for ME.

It was pretty deep thought for 3 am!  It is almost that here now again.  So I will leave you with a picture of our dessert tonight!  I get all the Hello Kitty rings!  I did give them a choice of Hello Kitty or Pokemon and they chose Hello Kitty.  My boys love me!

Mine and mine and that's mine and this one is mine too and....

Smoochie sends good night smooches!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

TOO MUCH

Still been under the weather the last few days although feeling better.  The weather has been nicer so I'm not freezing at night right now.  It is cold in my bedroom, just the way I love it, but not achingly cold.

Nothing on the job front yet but I did answer a call for adult writers.  Evidently there is a new adult magazine starting up in February and they need adult content.  I sent them a story and they loved it and will put it in the first issue,  which goes to print next week.  No pay for it yet but I will get trackbacks to my writing site and the possibility of pay down the road.  Also I will have something new to put on my resume and it will hopefully bring in some new leads.

I don't know what it is about me and daddy.  I am usually very sub with "the One" and I am with Daddy mostly but when I get riled up and upset with him I can go ballistic.  Yelling at him on messenger or in text.  All my past men would not believe it was the same woman.  I've never done anything like this before.  I am actually very surprised he came back to me and that he has stayed.  Grant it my rants are well deserved but it is so outside of my character it even scares me sometimes.  

I did have a long talk with Daddy's best friend last night.  He assured me that Daddy needs me and that he loves me.  I realized after talking to him that I need to stop ranting at Daddy.  When he is away and can't contact me and then i fill his messenger with my yelling then he is defensive when he gets back and we get no time to really talk.  So I am trying to be more patient and understanding.  To just tell him that I love him and see what happens when he has time to talk to me.  It worked tonight!  He popped on and although he was busy with some business too, he took time in-between to talk to me a bit.  So I am a happy little girl and will sleep well tonight.

Part of keeping calm is trying to keep myself busy.  One of the things I did was to join Fetlife.  I've been lurking and visiting groups.  Introduced myself to a few today.  It is interesting to see the different kinks out there and also to realize how popular your particular kink is.  It is good to read what other baby girls write and be able to connect with that right away.  I learned some new things too.

Possible TMI Alert!!

The past eight months or so, I've been shaving "down there".  Being a BBW it has not been easy.  I have to do it all by feel and although I've gotten better, I still find spots i miss especially in the more sensitive areas, plus I hate the stubble.  Today I learned about sugaring!  I found out you can make the sugaring paste with household ingredients and even the application and removal look fairly easy.  Icing on the cake is that I won't be in danger of cutting anything off!  I can't wait to try it!  There are some excellent YouTubes on it, both how to make it and how to use it.  I will try it in the next couple of days.  I like to take care of it when the kids aren't home to avoid a walk in and questions. I'll let you know how it went.

Anyway, I've been in a musical mood today so want to share one of my fav songs with you.  I love these ladies!

Smoochie blows you all a kiss goodnight!

::: (\_(\

*: (=’ :’) :*

•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C