SANE? NAHHH

Ok I may seem psychotic and who knows, maybe I am.  No.  Change that.  I am sure I am.  Stress, wanting, uncertainty, confusion.  They are all there to make sure my mind never settles.

So I just went back and reread my last post to figure out where I was then.  Boy have things changed. 

"M" has been kicked to the curb.  I discovered he was not willing to fight to keep me.  It was so easy for him to say, let's just walk away.  It really made me feel wanted...Not.  Bottom line was he only wanted to be my Dom when he felt like it.  When he didn't, he didn't care how I felt or that I missed him.  He said all the right things but when it came down to it, he wasn't willing to handle the responsibility of having a sub.

I don't need nor want that.  I want someone I can rely on.  Someone who has my interests at heart as much as I do his.  Sometimes life gets in the way.  Work gets busy or family needs more time from us.  I understand all that but don't ignore or neglect my feelings.  I try to be reasonable and brave but I cant' help it if I miss you..  Just acknowledge that it is a legitimate feeling and you are aware, even if you can't do anything about it.

Now the friend I had the argument with, we are good now.  We had a talk a couple days later and made up.  I understand that he cares and he doesn't totally understand my side of things.  I just needed him to understand that I am trying my best and I am not always right but I am doing the best with what I have to work with.  He does mean a lot to me.  My feelings for him run very deeply so I am glad we worked through it all.  I cried, we got emotional, we made up but I cried all night.  Out of relief I think.

So where am I now?  Stressed.  Trying to find a place to live when we move.  Having problems with income requirements so looking for private rentals now.  They are hard to find.  I have also not finalized the plans for how I am moving my stuff there.  So many wrenches in the works but I am trying to remain optimistic.  I know in the long run that this will be a better place for us.

I am spending time with Daddy H again.  I know, I know.  He is my Achilles.  My soft spot.  I know that things are not always good between us but I can't turn away from him.  I believe he really does love me.  I've come to realize that he has put up as many walls as I have.  I need to see if I can break through them.  I don't think I can tear them down but if I can make a passage through them where I am the only one to have the key, we could be a formidable team.  He is driven.  His beliefs are strong but he is so used to fighting people that he forgot some people in your life you don't need to fight.  I think he is starting to realize that and we have been talking and things are getting better.  I believe he is making a real effort this time, so we'll see.

YEAH

Well tomorrow is another day full of real estate listings, moving bids and jobs searches.  I can't wait until this is all done so I can just be little again.  Being grownup sucks.

Smoochie and I are going to play Bubble Break and get some sleep.  Ni ni

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

LOVE TAKES TIME

I am feeling better today.  Things have not resolved with the friend I had the argument with yesterday but I don't feel as if I am to blame for this one.  So even though I feel bad that there are bad feelings between us right now, I am leaving it up to him to make the first move.

As for the new man in my life, I guess I need to give him a "name" because it looks like he will be around at least for a bit more.  I will just call him "M" for now.

I was missing M as I'd not seen or heard from him since Thursday morning.  After the argument with a couple of friends yesterday (on minor), I was in dire need of a cuddle.  We finally got to spend a little time together late tonight.  I got my cuddle and some clarification on a past event.

A few days ago I posed a question to him.  I asked him if there was love and in what capacity.  When he asked for clarification I said that some Doms love their girls as a possession and others like a partner.  His answer was "I like you as a possesion", which didn't sit easy with me.  (See yesterdays post as to why)  I have been mulling over those words for a couple of days.

Everything about this man feels right.  There were no red flags or nagging thoughts in my mind until he said those words.  I want to be loved and feel loved but was it worth losing everything else he offered?

I wasn't going to say anything but in his presence tonight I felt the need to speak up.  I told him his statement bothered me and I told him why.  His answer was so simple.

"Love doesn't just happen."

Duh!  *Slaps self on the forehead.*  We really haven't known each other for that long.  It is the same in any relationship.  You start to like someone for their looks, or the way they make you laugh.  You want to spend time with them.  It is just that he wants me for himself and the Dom in him is going to make that happen.  The love itself takes time to grow.

Doesn't matter what kind of relationship

I can live with that.  It is nice feeling wanted.  It is nice knowing he wants to spend time with me and that he enjoys our time together.  It is nice being taken care of and protected.  I am not ready yet to make a full commitment and he understands that and won't push or rush me.  He knows that it has to be right for both of us and if it is, it will happen.  Until then, we'll get to learn about each other and determine if we are a good fit and can make each other happy.

So tonight, I am a happy baby girl.

Smoochie waves goodnight!

 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C