HIGH ANXIETY

I am having an anxiety attack tonight and my Daddies aren't around.  I am trying to keep busy but it's not always easy.  I am completely off my zoloft now and mostly doing well.  Not sure what tonight's trigger was.  I just feel jittery and emotional.  I am trying to work on building the website for my sister's restaurant but it is frustrating me.  Not because it is especially hard but because I am having a hard time concentrating so finding the answers to some fixes I need is not going well.  On top of that, I've not been sleeping well.  Usually up until 4 or 5 am then I wake up at 6 to wake the kids for school.  Then about an hour later I can get a nap in when they leave.  I have been getting out of bed between 9:30 and 10 am though, so not getting a lot of actual sleep in there.  I nod off at my desk all day.. It's a good thing that I work from home right now.

This is me.....not on drugs.

I think I am going to start another blog too.  I'm not abandoning this one but I did rather enjoy my last food blog.  You can see the remnants of it here.  I don't want to do anything regular but would like any food related stuff I post here to be cross posted to that one.  That way people not in the lifestyle who might get a little squeamish can follow that one and not get all the adult stuff.

I don't know what to do with myself tonight.  I just want to lie down and cry so I'm making this a short post to go do that.

Smoochie is waiting for me

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

ALMOST AWAKE

Okay, I am back to being an adult.  Oh who am I kidding, I'm never really an adult any more.  I'm back to not being so emotional I guess is a good way to put it.  I had quite a bit of support from the people at Fetlife  and it made me feel a lot better.  Daddy R made sure to tell me that I was his through and through and that I belong to him and Daddy H and no one else gets to have me.  That made me feel much better too.

I am down to a quarter dose of Zoloft as of tonight.  I got no work done this past week.  I did do my taxes but that was only because Turbotax asks one question and a time and I can save and walk away from it whenever i wish and I did, frequently.  Mostly I've just been headache-y and confused.    Yesterday and today weren't bad though but we start again with the lower dose tonight.  Hopefully it will all soon be over.

I downloaded this app for my phone.  It's called Binality and basically plays binaural beats.  I don't know a lot about them and I might get this wrong but these beats carry different frequencies or something and can help with all kinds of stuff from insomnia to pain relief.  You are supposed to listen with stereo headphones but i don't, I just play it on my phone which i then place on my night stand.  I don't know if it really works but I have been falling asleep faster and sleeping better.  Also I have started dreaming again, something that I haven't done for a long time except for an occasional one here and there.

I'd love to dream this!  Hello Topiary by Eric Joyner

*Took a sleep break when I passed out at my desk, then couldn't get up this morning, sighs.  So again 12 hours later, we continue...*

Except now I have no idea what I was going to say.

Daddy H and I got into another one of our fights this weekend.  That man gets so defensive sometimes.  When we fight it is for stupid things, things that would not be an issue if he kept me up to date on stuff going on.  This time though, Daddy R jumped in and mediated.  He listened to me and told Daddy H that he had better do the same and also to talk to me nicer.  Of course I got a lecture too but then nice snuggles after.

One wonderful thing did happen this weekend though.  Daddy R called me on the phone!  I got to talk to him and hear his voice and other stuff.  *Grins*  I also have his cell phone number now so I can text him whenever I want!  Boy is he gonna be sorry!  Daddy H said that his friend has been burned a few times and would take awhile before he would trust enough to give me his number and he was surprised it happened so soon.  Now I can text him good morning and good night and reach him before I get into another fight.

Anyway, I am falling asleep again.  I can't wait until this is over, hopefully in another 10 days or so.

Smoochie is waiting and sends his love.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

I AM IN HERE...SOMEWHERE

I am down to half a dose of my Zoloft.  Been in a sort of haze the last few days.  Headache-y and unable to concentrate on anything for very long.  I just had a horrible thought.  What if it's not withdrawal but turns out to be a permanent thing because I'm not on the meds any more?  I haven't been able to do any appreciable work the last few days, even writing this blog is hard.

LOL. I started writing this 12 hours ago and then wandered away from it.

I had a melt down tonight.  It was a rough day, I was feeling overwhelmed and lonely.  Daddy H came online but when i tried to talk to him, he answered but you could tell he was distracted.  I decided to step outside my comfort zone and attend a discussion group in Second Life.  Well it wouldn't let me kn because I had too many scripts (for those that don't know, scripts are the coding that makes things do things and the more you have it causes lag)  I couldn't get them down low enough so I just left.  Tried Daddy H again but felt i got the brush off again.  So what do I do?  I yelled at him, stomped my feet and in no uncertain terms told him I was unhappy.  I was feeling about 3 years old.  Daddy R was working late and hadn't gotten home yet.   I was not a happy camper and was letting them know I wasn't.

Daddy R has actually taken over and he is boss now.  I can talk to Daddy H and snuggle but no playing (as in sex) with him.  Daddy R is mad because Daddy H keeps upsetting me and so he banned him from playing for now until he earns his way back.  He was not a happy camper but understood why and said he'd do the same if the tables were turned.  I told the two of them to work it out and let me know but don't put me in the middle.

Daddy R eventually came home and heard I was upset  so he came online.  We talked and he reminded me that he loved, wanted, needed and craved me (his words).  We discussed my issues and he assured me he wasn't any of the former men in my life and he wouldn't act like them  He reaffirmed that i was his and that he would be there for me and together we'd work through the fears and walls I have.  He also gave me homework.  I need to read and write a report about alternate natural methods to fight anxiety, then he kissed away the tears and said good night because he had to be up in 4 hours.

So here I am calmer and feeling a bit warm and fuzzy.  It is funny, daytime I can barely function but at night I have insomnia.  I sure hope this all goes away when I'm off the Zoloft for good.  I should be completely off in another 2 weeks or so.  I love my Daddies, both of them, but especially Daddy R.  I have never felt so loved and protected in my life.

I am going to watch a bit of my KDrama (Queen Class) and hopefully get tired enough to go to bed.  Can't wait to see Daddy again tomorrow!

Smoochie says he will introduce you to his new friend next time!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

WHAT? WHERE? WHO AM I AGAIN?

Life has been so busy lately.  I mean to write then get sidetracked and when I realize I haven't posted I am too tired and go to bed.  I haven't forgotten this blog and I am sure I will get back to something regular soon.  Until then I will post when I can.

I am feeling especially spacey today.  A year ago, I was going through some very bad anxiety attacks.  You know that feeling you get in the back of your neck and head when you think you might have been caught doing something bad, like when a cop stops you and you wonder if you were speeding or you know you were?  I felt like that 100x over and all day.  It never let up.  I could see how people would want to kill themselves just to make it stop.  I finally went to the doctor and she put me on Zoloft.  The first 4 days kicked my butt.  I couldn't think, couldn't even wake up for the first two days.  I had to call the kids in sick on that Friday because I could not get behind the wheel of a car.  Luckily for me the next three days were a holiday weekend.  After that I thought things were fine.  the doctor told me to stay on it for at least a year and well, it's been a year.

Daddy and Master don't like drugs that mess with the mind and since I was thinking of going off of it anyway, I started to read about tapering off.  I realized I had all kinds of side effects but didn't attribute them to the Zoloft.  Weight gain, I thought it was just one of those cycles where I put on some pounds...ok it was quite a few,  m ore than 20.  My vision has gotten very bad.  I attributed that to old age and diabetes.  Now I read a lot of people have vision problems on this med.  Sometime I find myself at a loss for words or the correct word or I will think of something I need to do and turn to my laptop and poof, can't remember what it was I was doing.  This literally all happens within a split second.  It is time for me to come off the meds.

I only take 50 mg/day so last night I only took 3/4 of a dose and will do so for the next 5-7 days, then reduce it again.  So yeah spacey and tired today but feel like I need to write.

I am also procrastinating.  I got in trouble with Master last night for being impatient.  I can be infinitely patient, unless I am in little mode and guess where I was mentally yesterday?  So I got homework...poop.  I have to write a 500 word essay on why I am impatient.  He will grade me, 75% on content and 25% on grammar and spelling and stuff.  Well little me had to open her mouth.  After all writing is what I do, that and singing.  I said "no problem writing is one of the things I am good at.".  So then he says ok so if you get below 80 then you have to do it all again.  Not a problem right?  THEN he goes on...for every word under 500 I take off 2 points.  OK still not a problem, I can write over 500 words easy.  AND every word OVER 500 I take off 1 point.  Damn.

Master and I are getting very very close.  I am surprised at how fast and deep my feelings are for him.  I still love daddy very very much but Master is right there too and he seems to "get me" more.  He listens better, he is more attentive, I feel like I am one of his priorities.  With Daddy, between work, activism and his show dogs, I feel pushed aside sometimes.  All in all, that part of my life is going well right now.  Kind of spooky, like when does the bomb drop?  I am bad, I know.

I have a show coming up soon and then really do need to write that essay.  You all have a great day and thank you for sticking with me.!

Smoochie sends his love for a good week!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C