Cake and Sodomy

I done did it!  After days of procrastinating, another couple of days of just being fuzzy and trying to make things harder than they are, I finally have a second blog up!  This one will remain as is .  This is my "journey" blog.  It's adult so I don't have to watch what I say and it is definitely not vanilla.

(BTW I've been using song titles as my post titles the last few posts.  This one well it kind of sums up my two blogs.  It's by Marilyn Manson.  I've never heard it.)

This new blog will be a place for the general public.  A place to share recipes and other things I've found.  I wanted them separate so that people would not be squeamish about following me there.  I will post here when I put up a new post there but will not do it the other way around.  This blog is more my heart and soul and the other one will be more what I do when I am dragging my feet about getting any real work done.

So go visit me at  YUMMY STUFFIES FOR THE TUMMY and More!

It is spring!  Go visit www.abento.net

It is warming up here and we are glad to see that spring is here finally!  Things on the home front here have been mostly good.  The Daddies are both really really busy at work.  Boss Daddy might be in line for a promotion!  Yay him!  Plus this being an election year nor something, they both have their hands full with their groups locally.   They are  both political activists.  To add more chaos to that, this weekend they have another dog show to go to so they are out of town.  Boss Daddy has been pretty good about keeping in touch even though they've been on the road and I even heard from Daddy H too.  As a matter of fact, they both called me at the same time when they were driving.

Boss Daddy has been a great addition to our family.  He really is our family now.  Not only does he try to go out of his way to make sure that I am happy but he is teaching Daddy H how to be a better Daddy and a better Master.  He is so patient with me, especially when I am down and on edge.  The big me understands when times get busy, things have to be put on hold.  The little me only understands that she is lonely or hurt or anxious.  Unfortunately for all of us, the worse things are, the younger I become and therefore less tolerant of them not being around.  Daddy H's answer is typically to get defensive and yell and we fight and eventually he hurts my feelings.  Boss Daddy just says  "Shhhh calm down.  I love you." and 9 times out of 10, I stop.  Can you tell how much I love him?

Anyway, it is late but I need to go do my Saturday night rounds.  Talk to some friends and do some PR work.

You all have a great night!

Smoochie wants to know what makes it feel like spring to you?

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» Baby C

ALMOST AWAKE

Okay, I am back to being an adult.  Oh who am I kidding, I'm never really an adult any more.  I'm back to not being so emotional I guess is a good way to put it.  I had quite a bit of support from the people at Fetlife  and it made me feel a lot better.  Daddy R made sure to tell me that I was his through and through and that I belong to him and Daddy H and no one else gets to have me.  That made me feel much better too.

I am down to a quarter dose of Zoloft as of tonight.  I got no work done this past week.  I did do my taxes but that was only because Turbotax asks one question and a time and I can save and walk away from it whenever i wish and I did, frequently.  Mostly I've just been headache-y and confused.    Yesterday and today weren't bad though but we start again with the lower dose tonight.  Hopefully it will all soon be over.

I downloaded this app for my phone.  It's called Binality and basically plays binaural beats.  I don't know a lot about them and I might get this wrong but these beats carry different frequencies or something and can help with all kinds of stuff from insomnia to pain relief.  You are supposed to listen with stereo headphones but i don't, I just play it on my phone which i then place on my night stand.  I don't know if it really works but I have been falling asleep faster and sleeping better.  Also I have started dreaming again, something that I haven't done for a long time except for an occasional one here and there.

I'd love to dream this!  Hello Topiary by Eric Joyner

*Took a sleep break when I passed out at my desk, then couldn't get up this morning, sighs.  So again 12 hours later, we continue...*

Except now I have no idea what I was going to say.

Daddy H and I got into another one of our fights this weekend.  That man gets so defensive sometimes.  When we fight it is for stupid things, things that would not be an issue if he kept me up to date on stuff going on.  This time though, Daddy R jumped in and mediated.  He listened to me and told Daddy H that he had better do the same and also to talk to me nicer.  Of course I got a lecture too but then nice snuggles after.

One wonderful thing did happen this weekend though.  Daddy R called me on the phone!  I got to talk to him and hear his voice and other stuff.  *Grins*  I also have his cell phone number now so I can text him whenever I want!  Boy is he gonna be sorry!  Daddy H said that his friend has been burned a few times and would take awhile before he would trust enough to give me his number and he was surprised it happened so soon.  Now I can text him good morning and good night and reach him before I get into another fight.

Anyway, I am falling asleep again.  I can't wait until this is over, hopefully in another 10 days or so.

Smoochie is waiting and sends his love.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

NOW WHERE WAS I?

For all my good intentions on getting to bed early, it never happens.  I told myself 3 hours ago that I was heading to bed within the hour.  Guess who is still up?  I get so caught up in things and lose track of the time.

I ran my first ebay auction in years last week.  I had found some old maternity clothes.  I didn't make nearly as much as I expected but at least it didn't cost me anything.  I had to get those packages ready for mailing tomorrow so that is where part of the hour went.  I can't believe how expensive shipping can be though.  A couple of the best items didn't sell at all.  I want to put up some other stuff but I am wondering if it is worth the time at all anymore.  I guess right now every little bit helps.

I've also been doing odd jobs online.  I found one company that will pay me $.02 a word to write content for a clients website.  Most jobs are between 150-200 words each.  It's not a lot but it is something.  I've also been working at Mechanical Turk.  I'm hoping with the two, I can bring in enough to cover the bills while I work on long range projects.

I need to get writing and recording and advertising.  My kitchen is a wreck too.  Since I burned myself, I have been trying to keep my finger out of anything icky so it doesn't get infected.  My kids are picking up part of the slack but they don't do a great job.  The liquid in the blister has finally absorbed back into my body so I think another day for it to dry out and I can finally try and get some good cleaning done.

Back to my work.  I guess my mind is all over tonight...oh how cute is that?

If my daughter were here she would soooo make these for me!

I think as I have gotten older I no longer would make a good employee.  I can do the work, I'm competent and a fast learner.  I am generally warm and gracious but my tolerance level for incompetence and whining have gone way down.  Sometimes though, I wonder if it is old age or just a new attitude about things.

All my life I have tried to be what everyone else thought I should be.  Raised in an Asian family we were taught not to make waves, to be aware of what people thought about you and about what kind of impression you were making.  Sometimes that is good and other times not so much.  When I left my hubby, my ex-hubby now, everyone was shocked because they didn't see it coming.  I hid it from everyone.  I hid the fact that I was unhappy, that he was incapable of making decisions, that he was also incapable of showing love and affection, that most days he would come home, grab a handful of cereal and go to bed leaving me to handle the kids 24/7.  You just don't air your dirty laundry in public, not even to family.

I am done with that.  I want to be what I am, not what they want.  I am a little.  I am a sub.  I even border on slave sometimes.  I would wear a collar full time and not care what they think any more.  Yeah I'm better off left to myself to work most of the time.

Daddy and I got to spend some time online together today during his lunch hour.  Then he called me too!  So I am one happy camper.  On the other hand, he's got a really bad cough.  He works too long and hard and never really recovers from being sick before he is sick again.  I am trying to get him to take some time off.  Maybe come visit me.  *looks all innocent*

Oh look!  I've managed to lose another 30 minutes and still not in bed.  I'd better scoot before Daddy gets mad.

Smoochie sends smoochie kisses!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

OH HAPPY DAY!

*Twirls...leaps...screams...twirls again...breaks out into the happy dance*

Daddy finally had some free time to himself this weekend!  We got to talk and cuddle and most importantly, he finally joined me on our private blog!  I am so excited!

I have this blog, which I use for life in general including things about my Daddy and others that are more general and more PG.  I have my writing blog where I post my stories.  This new one is my first private one.  Only Daddy and I can see it and post to it.  I am trying to see if it is a way to keep communication open between us when his work gets nuts.

I can post about things i see that excite me, pictures, my feelings and moods, even questions I have for him.  He can comment or leave secret messages.  He can outline rules and tasks and I can complete and post them there if possible.  This way, I can leave his messenger open for things like saying I love you.

We were having an issue that when I was sad or mad at him and I'd put it all on messenger then he checks in after 2 days of being in the field without a connection and it looks like I'm b*tching at him, then he doesn't feel like talking to me right away.  This way I can still let my feelings out and he can read them when he's not dead tired and even see if I've progressed beyond that by that time.

Tomorrow I am taking the kids to the aquarium, their sister bought them annual passes so we need to use them.  So early bedtime for me.  OH it's already after 1 am!  Well early for me!

Smoochie grabs our pillow and waves good night!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

PLEASE PASS THE

Geritol!  I need some Geritol!

If you remember that then you are showing your age!  I slept most of the day yesterday, even almost missed a show.  Didn't even manage to eat dinner.  I am lucky the kids can fend for themselves now and then.  They had cheese quesadillas and chili.

Even today, I feel groggy and unfocused.  I still sent out at least a dozen applications/resumes.  I hope my befuddled mind didn't mess anything up too badly.  I've expanded my search out to 25 miles from home.  Not sure if going any further than that is cost effective, so hoping I get a few bites within that radius.

I did get on the government site for healthcare.  Wasn't a good idea today.  It just made it extra frustrating.  so it goes like this.  I can't get Medicaid and I don't make enough to qualify for reduced premiums.  What?  So the poor get screwed again.  I guess I get to pay more than my income for health insurance.

Daddy and I are arguing again, kinda.  He called me on the way to work this morning then had to hang up because of traffic.  I've not heard from him since.  I don't know what is up with us.  If he's still mad or if he even still wants me any more.  I am just lonely.

I was so bored that I went over to Fetlife and opened an account.  Spent the evening just looking around.  I am shy until I get to know people.  I'll probably just lurk for awhile and see what goes on.

I hope you all had a good Monday.  I am going to bed.

Smoochie waves good night!

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

NOW I LAY ME DOWN...

I am just...tired.  Worn out trying to find a job.  Stressed over making ends meet.  Frustrated with Daddy.

I have been applying for any position I find that I might be remotely capable of doing.  I'd love a decent part time job so that I'd have a couple of days to do what I do now.  I'd like to make some time to finish my novel and write my trilogy, learn more about CSS and other coding for websites, look into doing audio books.  Right now though I am applying and looking into full time jobs also.  All I get are offers for MLM companies and I was even almost scammed last week.  Thank heavens for woman's intuition.

So right no anything that will get the bills paid.  Every time I think I am caught up, something comes along.  Unexpected deposits for utilities, car registration, clothes for the boys, car repairs, school expenses and now I need to find money to go pick up the boys' new glasses... one thing after another and I get further and further behind.  The stress is wearing me out.

Daddy has been nearly nonexistent lately.  Between work and him being sick and the holidays with family, I don't get to see or even talk to him much.  I know he tries, some times.  I did get a phone call on Monday morning and another this morning.  I still feel like leftovers sometimes.  Only important when it's convenient.  I can't make him see that.  He just feels so overworked and that his life is not his any more.  I try to be patient but the longer i feel neglected the littler I become and the more emotional and irrational I get.

I start to feel unloved and unwanted.  My past doesn't help, all the men in my life have made me feel inadequate.  My father even told me there was something wrong with me for wanting to be a stay at home mom for my kids and I needed to get my head checked.  Then he said I was stupid for wanting to divorce my husband because he made good money.  Then the line that made me walk out of his life.  "If you get divorced you will never make anything of yourself your whole life."  What kind of parent tells their child that?

I think I've been connecting more with the BDSM/ DDlg community and reading their blogs, Facebook, Tweets and I miss that dynamic in my life.  It has not been there lately with him being so busy.  I am trying to find ways to work it in even just a little but have as yet been unsuccessful.

So what do I do?  I pout.  Then I fly into a verbal tantrum on his yahoo or in his email.  Of course a few hours later, I hate myself for it.but not until I've had a good cry and a snuggle with Smoochie.

Like I said, I'm tired.  Thank you for letting me rant.  I'm going to bed.

Smoochie is in charge of bringing the tissues tonight.

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C

YES (DADDY) BOSS!

I know I missed yesterday.  I've been feeling very yucks the last few days.  Not anything I can put my finger on.  Occasional tummy ache and nausea.  Also a strange very intermittant pain right under my sternum.  Hoping it's all just the slight crud left over from Christmas.  Seems a long time but we were all sick back and forth from Christmas till March last year.  No medical insurance for me yet this year too but at least the kids are covered.

Daddy was at a dog show all weekend.  I missed him terribly.  I have noticed that the longer we go between communications and the lonelier I feel the littler I feel too.  So between not feeling well and Daddy being gone it was a rough weekend for me.

This morning though my cellphone rang.  I have a special ring for Daddy so I knew it was him!  I was sooooo happy to hear his voice and he said me missed me very very much.  He did well this weekend so he was super happy though and I was happy for him.  The call made my whole day better.

This is my ringtone for Daddy!  Puts me right into subspace when I hear it!



The other day we were grocery shopping and there was a freezer that said "Clearance" on it.  I am always on the look out for markdown meats and things.  I once got four boneless leg of lambs for 99 cents a lb and boneless western beef ribs for  a buck a pound!  So we take a peek and there are these big 2 lb bags of head-on shrimp.  I look at the price...$2.98 a bag!  Not a pound, which would have been a great price anyway but a bag!  So I bought two.  Tonight I pulled one out and threw together some sauteed shrimp with garlic, ginger and green onions.  Soo yummy!  It was more than worth all the effort to shell them while we ate and took 10 min to cook!

Ginger Garlic Shrimp!  Yummies!

Ok so I'm caught up again.  A day late but back in the swing of things.  I already have an idea for tomorrow's post.  I have a little art project to finish first.

Smoochie says good night and to keep warm out there (it's 19F here right now *sad face*)

::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C