On Daddies and Fathers

Daddy H and I celebrated one whole year back in his collar last night.  He is such an amazing man.  When I first met him, his attitude was "I don't change for anyone, if you don't like it then kiss my a**".  Which is true in a lot of ways, people who love you should love you just the way you are.  However to see the changes in him and knowing they are because he wants to change for me, that is a precious thing.  He is truly becoming the daddy that my heart always wanted and needed.  When i need comforting, he is the only one I want.  He has stopped being so defensive and has started to really listen and therefore is able to soothe instead of stir up more emotions.

Boss Daddy is back for a couple weeks.  He's on vacation and will need to head back East and maybe off shore after that.  I heard from him yesterday and am hoping to see him online tonight.

I am in a lot of pain today.  Starting a couple of years ago my left foot occasionally swells up and gets painful.  I've been to an orthopedic surgeon.  They found some osteoarthritis in that ankle and recommended not to do any walking for exercise nor having a job that had me on my feet or walking all the time.  It used to flair up every few months but I've not had an episode in over a year.  Today, I can barely walk.  I need to lean on the kids to just get between my desk and the bathroom which is just five feet away.  Vicodin and Percocet don't usually touch the pain, nevertheless, I have taken half of one.  Too much makes me sick to my stomach though I've taken and may take as many as two at a time if I need it.  I am starting to feel the effects and hope I get through walking the kids through making dinner before I float away.

First a disclaimer for those that are not in the lifestyle.  The majority of baby girls DO NOT have issues with their real fathers.  I always loved mine and was proud of him even though he was very strict.  I never felt like I was good enough at anything I did in his eyes though.  Then seven years ago when I decided to divorce my husband, I went to him for a small loan to pay a divorce attorney.  That's when he told me that I was stupid and should stick it out because my then husband made good money.  He followed that by saying, you have dug a hole now you will never get out of and I know you are never going to make anything of yourself in this world.  I walked out.  He then proceeded to lie to the courts and helped my husband take my kids away to "teach me a lesson" for not doing as he said.  Since I had no attorney, I lost them for two years until my ex came to his senses and sent them back to me.

I tried once to make up with my father but got shot down again.  I vowed that day to never let him hurt me again.  I've not talked to him in more than five years.  He does not contact his grandsons even though they send him emails for things like Fathers Day.  They have their own email accounts and cell phones but never hear from him.  They don't say much but I know they feel sad that he has forgotten about them.

Today I sent him an email.  Partly to finally say what I needed to about finding out that the family that I though would always be there turned out not to be but mostly to tell him that I have always loved him.  He will be 78 this fall so I'm not sure how many more years he'll be here but I felt the need to let him know that no matter what, and even when I hated what he had done, I never stopped loving him.

I will not ever contact him again.  I've said my piece and I need to move on.  I feel sorry for him sometimes.  He has the admiration of the community where he lives but has alienated 3 out of his 4 daughters.  My youngest sister still spends time with him but that is the kind of person she is.  Family means everything, as it should.  I guess I'm not as good as she is.

Life goes on.  Now it's my turn to try and be happy.

Smoochie says to hug your family today.

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•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C