SCARED

The last five years since my divorce have been a long road but the last two have been extra hard for me.  While I have finally learned to accept that I am submissive at heart, the  roller coaster to get there has left me emotionally fragile in some ways.

On one hand, it has clarified and brought things into focus.  I no longer think something is wrong with me because I don't want to be the boss of the house or because I feel more complete when I have someone who possesses me. It has also made clear what my true needs are.

What do I need to be happy?  Remember that "needs" are different from "wants".  You NEED air to live, you WANT a cigarette no matter how strong that want is.  I need someone who loves me and wants me.  I need someone who is willing to lead and push me to be better.  I need someone who will let me love him and who loves snuggling me as much as i love snuggling him. 

I need a Daddy.  Not a father figure but a man who will recognize the parts of me that still are the baby girl.  I love cute things, stuffies (stuffed animals), stick candy, swings and coloring books. I believe birthday wishes will come true if you blow out all the candles on the cake the first try. 

Smoochie

I want a man who will set limits and make me be accountable.  I can be a huge procrastinator.  I will do things for someone I love better than I will do it for myself.  My desire to please is all encompassing.  Almost nothing makes me happier than hearing someone say "Good Girl".

I have a deep desire to belong to someone I can love and trust implicitly.  To hear the word "mine" whispered in my ear starts the tears flowing with happiness.  He doesn't need to be perfect.  I don't want him to be perfect, that would be too intimidating. I want him to want to try and make me happy.

Right now there is an ex-Dom who wants to come back into my life.  My head and even my heart know this is not a good idea.  Our whole time together was tumultuous.  I had severe panic attacks when I was with him and he nearly destroyed me when he left. Looking back on our time together, there were more times I was unhappy than when I was happy, but the sub in me, the little girl in me, is having a hard time pushing him away. I have him at arms length right now but he pushes and pushes and then says he loves me and I feel myself start to waver and the tears come.

I've not been sleeping well lately and I think this is going to be another one of those nights.  I sleep so much better when I've had a cuddle and good thoughts before bed.  Smoochie  and I will just lie quietly in bed and hope I get tired enough to drift off.

Night night all.  Hope you sleep better than I do.


 ::: (\_(\
*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C