REFLECTION

First some cool news...I am officially published both on the web and in print!  I answered a call for adult writers about a month ago.  Sexy San Antonio is an online adult magazine that was about to put out its first print issue.  I talked to the owner and wrote him a little story that he liked and put in this issue.  The story is a little milder than my normal writing because I wasn't sure where they would draw the line.  He told me I could dirty it up if I wanted but I let it stand as is and will get naughtier for my next piece for them.  The print magazine is available for free in some of the San Antonio head shops.  Check out "Pool Service" and let me know what you think.

So I do this naughty storytelling once a week and I usually pull my stories off the internet.  I was reading one and there was a paragraph in it that kind of struck a chord.  I am a large woman.  I worry about what potential partners think.  It didn't help that in my last relationship my partner hated that I wasn't skinny.  He never knew me when I was skinny, I am not sure why he wanted me anyway but that's another story. Anyway, we almost all have times when we do not believe we are attractive.  I'm not talking when you are cruddy sick and not moved from bed for 2 days.  I'm talking even when we've had a chance to dress and put on makeup.  We all think we are too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, our lips are too big, eyes too small, hips too wide, ass too flat...the list goes on and on.  Even when someone tells us we are beautiful we don't really believe them.

When did we learn not to do this?

This story said that in a vanilla world we are taught to be "humble".  This is a desired trait.  Even more so in the Asian or at least Japanese culture where mothers will refer to their children as ugly or stupid so as not to appear boastful.  So when someone compliments us we naturally try and negate that comment, even in our own minds.  For me, add that my father never thought I was good enough for anything and I have very real self esteem issues.

So along comes Daddy/Master, not to be confused with my father, and he says I am pretty.  He says stop putting myself down.  I stop verbally.  Does my mind believe it?  I worry that I am not enough.  I worry that he will find someone prettier...smarter...funnier...more obedient.  It is hard to relax.  Since we have times he has to be away with little contact, my mind wanders and ends up in places not so good.

Is it just me?  How do I overcome all that?  I told myself that I was no longer going to be what others wanted me to be (meaning general society and my family) but what I and my Daddy want me to be.  I guess it is easier said than done.  I wish I could see myself through Daddy's eyes.

This will take more pondering and maybe some hot cocoa and cookies.

Smoochie hopes you all have a great day!

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•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C