DEJA VU

Seems like the drama in my life never ends.  I guess I bring some of it on myself.  I hate being alone and I hate being lonely.

It is funny because I don't like crowds or groups of people most of the time.  I can handle them but mostly I just like the one on one type of socializing.

So I guess I should tell you, I caved in and went back to Daddy H.  He pushed and pushed and promised he loved me and that things were going to be better.  I know.  Bad move.  No sooner do I recommit than he pulls his disappearing act again.    Oh he's around but can't take the time to text or call, says he's too busy with other things.  I've come to realize during these times he's either spending time with someone else or looking for someone else to spend time with.

It reminded me how truly miserable I was with him the first time around.  I'm not doing that again.  I wished him well and walked away.  It hurts because I do have deep feelings for him.  You trust the one you submit to and you believe him when he says he loves you, when he says how amazing you are, how special you are.  Then when this happens you question all that. 

Was I loved?  Am I special?  Amazing?  Worthy of his attention?  He once told me when I questioned him, "I tear you down so I can build you back up better than you were before."  Is that how it's supposed to work?  I question my worth every day.

Part of me is relieved that I do not have to keep trying to please someone who was never happy no matter how much I did or gave up for him.  The other part of me is extremely lonely.  I miss my Daddy so very much.  It's like a big hole.  I find something cute or funny, or I accomplish something and there is no one to turn to and say  "Look what I found/did!"  No one to call me baby girl.  No one to tell me I am doing good.  No one to set limits, send me to bed.  No one to say they love me.  I have to fight the urge to contact him all the time.

I am new to this little thing.  It feels good and feels right.  I am happy when I can be in little mode and happy when I am around someone who accepts that in me.  Sometimes though, the hangups of society creep into my head.  What is wrong with me that I need and crave this kind of attention?  Maybe I just need to grow up and push that part of me away.  I can't.  I am happiest when I am being a little.  It is comforting and soothing and I am having fun again.

Anyway, that is what has been going on in my life and why I haven't posted here the last few days.  I guess I just wait and hope someone comes along to feel the void.  Until then, I guess I can eat all the chocolate I want.  No one to tell me not to.

Smoochie says good night when you get there.

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•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»   Baby C