Some big ones affect my family life. Do we move where there are jobs and the economy is better? Where do I get the money to make this move? How should I split up the money I have coming in to cover all my expenses?
Mostly though, I've been dealing with a lot of emotional issues lately. The need to be loved and cared for. The need to be held and cuddled. The pain of rejection. The different pain of disappointing someone you care about. The confusion over someone you know who might not be good for you but at the same time, you can't turn away from him.
It has been hard, this journey I'm on. I've learned that what I thought was myself was really me being what was expected of me. I was someone else's vision of what I should be. I was not happy nor comfortable the way I was. I wanted to be me and be loved for being me but I wasn't sure who me was.
It took me a couple years to admit I was submissive. It took another year for me to be okay with that. I realized that it did not make me weak. That the strong need to have someone to please was normal. To know that I had a gift to offer someone. The gift of my submission. It felt right. I found people who understood what I was feeling. There was still like a corner that didn't fit though.
A year ago I got into a relationship with a man I'll call Daddy H. I don't even really remember how I started calling him Daddy. Previously the thought of a sub calling someone by that title was a little disconcerting and weird. After a time I remember I told him that sometimes I felt very young around him. When we broke up after almost nine months, I realized the part I missed the most was Daddy. I missed being held and snuggled and missed feeling safe and protected from the world.
Since then I have let my whims lead me more. I'm discovering the delight in looking at things through "younger" eyes. I realized I missed crayons and coloring books. I've started to acquire stuffies again and sleep with Smoochie every night. I want to be nurtured, to be told it's time for bed, to be reminded of the work I need to do. I want to hear "good girl" when I have done something pleasing or followed orders. I want not only to take care of someone, to make them happy but also to have that person take care of me too.
The more I discover and the more I accept the smoother that "corner" becomes. I think I've found my niche. I just need to find the one who can be that for me. I don't know where he will come from or when. Daddy H. is the ex I have been talking about that wants me back. I am still on the fence about what to do there. Until then I will continue coloring and surrounding myself with the little girl things that make me happy.
Smoochie says Goodnight
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*: (=’ :’) :*
•.. (,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`» Baby C
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